To determine the 12 states struggling the most with mental illness, 24/7 Wall St. reviewed the share of the adult population with a serious mental illness in each state based on surveys conducted between 2013 and 2014 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). He might be riding high in the polls, but Joe Biden’s mental acuity increasingly is an issue in the election campaign, and growling at reporters who ask about it is no way to alleviate voter ... delusion, psychotic belief - (psychology) an erroneous belief that is held in the face of evidence to the contrary. mental health - the psychological state of someone who is functioning at a satisfactory level of emotional and behavioral adjustment. I [22M] am in a terrible mental state, and I'm afraid to let my GF [23F] see me like this. Personal issues I've spent many years being a very private person; the "strong but silent" type, if you will. - Mental State statistics is actually an indicator for players' behaviour and reveals how aggressive a player is in GTA Online. Tip #1: One can check their current Mental State stats by holding the D-Pad or choosing stats from the Start Menu. - The longer the meter bar is filled up, it suggests the more aggressive that player is and vice-versa. Ideally, consumers should have equal access to in-network mental health providers and primary care providers (a.k.a, “parity”), but that’s not the case. In Connecticut, consumers are 11.5 ... Nevada is the worst of all. A state comprised of around 3 million people, Nevada has only 43 treatment facilities for mental health. By comparison, Vermont has around 624,000 people and 53 facilities. Alaska and its 738,000 people have 78 facilities. Another word for mental state. Find more ways to say mental state, along with related words, antonyms and example phrases at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. Thoughts and feelings of failure inflict terrible damage on mental health, leading to anxiety and depression. Negative thoughts discourage you from setting goals, diminish the value of your natural talents, and magnify your missteps. ... Regret is another emotional state that is healthy only in small doses. Everyone has some regrets in life ... That said, her mental issues stem from much more than just her place in life; she has a terrible outlook/perspective on her life and thinks that everyone is successful and happy except for her. She hates her living situation, she hates her job, she hates spending time with her "annoying" friends, etc.
2020.10.21 22:31 DepressedCourt Naked moms home
For the last three days, I've been suffering with depression really bad. I have made some irrational decisions and choices that didn't only hurt me, but to those that I care about. In the last two days, I only felt miserable. I barely eat, not going out like I use too, starting to have poor hygiene, staying in my room listening to depressing music, crying and pushing those away that I truly care about. Now I'm in this deep hole, that even I don't think that I can get out of. I've been through so much for eleven years....and I'm afraid...afraid that this depression is going to kill me. When I was nine years old, my mother allowed this woman to strip me naked, hand cuff me to the bed and beat me with a belt till I was black and blue from head to toe. A couple years later, my mom called me terrible things, slapped me, hit me with a broom and felt across the face. Did other things that I don't want to talk about. When I was thirteen, I was stalked, harassed, and was almost kidnapped...by two grown men. (Also when I was five....my cousin tried taking advantage of me.), at thirteen was the first time I self harmed and attempted to take my life. Fourteen and Fifteen, I got bullied really bad that I continued to self harm. Sixteen....I attempted to take my life again, and in that year...my parents divorced and my mom remarried to a horrible man who put his hands on me, choked me, called me names....threatened me. Seventeen, I tried taking my own life again. Eighteen, another attempt...nineteen, last year...my step dad beat me until my lip was busted....that I had a concussion....and other things that are terrible. My mom didnt protect me again. This year...I'm twenty....and he tried beating me again, called me terrible names, threatened me...my sisters and own mom tried attacking me to the point, I finally left home.
Everyday for years...I've been bullied...and abused that I began hating myself and torturing myself. This IS not everything but a little bit of what I've been through. Something terrible even happened in February. This guy...took advantage of me, to the point he got arrested. He really hurt me and I'm still thinking about that day.
I've been hurt so many times....that I feel like I'm never going to be happy.
submitted by DepressedCourt to depression [link] [comments]
2020.10.21 21:30 marcosmou Naked home moms
Obligatory this happened 69 days ago.
So a little backstory, one day I (M69) was coming back from work (Iwork as a pornstar and fuck hot chicks with my enourmous dick) into my 3,000,000$ mansion and the floor was wet(with vaginal fluids of my gf )and I trip and fall onto the maid and my penis slips in and we have sex, but my penis is to big for her so I accidentally crushed her organs (oopsies).
Anyway, while i'm hiding the body, but I'm having trouble because her boobs are too big to fit in the wardrobe and while i'm trying to fit them my mom (F69) walks in. It was super awkward but the she saw my penis throbbing through my pants and decided to fuck me. Luckily, she has a very loose pussy so she could handle me, eventually she asks me if I wan't to try anal, im super nervous because at the moment I was still a virgin, but I said "fuck it".
Turns out she is an entitled bitch, and she shat on my dick. As soon as this happened I started sprinting towards the shower to clean myself up, but my gf caught me midway, she had just come home from work, and found me naked with poop and cum all over my dick and balls.
Luckily for me, she discovered she had a poop fetish, and decided to fuck me(also my mom died of cancer so she didn't see us) but her ass was to fat and when she tried to ride me she accidentally broke my dick. Now I need a dick operation, but i'm broke, so I hope you guys can help me out with awards so I can pay for my penis surgery.
TLDR: I broke my dick, need awards to pay for the surgery.
Edit: wow, downvoted allready y'all jealous af
submitted by marcosmou to tifucirclejerk [link] [comments]
2020.10.21 17:55 WerewolfOverlord Home naked moms
Warning: Yule Tide Terrors features SCP-4666, a character who mutilates children in graphic ways. If you are uncomfortable with this, please skip this entry in my series - Werewolf Overlord
Prologue: It's January 1, 2020, in Canada. A young boy wakes up after hearing footsteps in his home. He opens the door and sees a tall nude figure holding his father by the throat. The creature drops the body and runs off into another room. The boy grabs his bat and follows the creature. He finds it standing over his dead family. They have been stabbed and sliced open. The creature grabs the boy and places him in a sack before climbing out and running off into the cold winter night.
Chapter 1: What Day Is It?
Zoe and Ashlyn wake up after a night of fun. They see Twig staring at them with a smile. She runs out and runs back in holding a Christmas Present. Zoe looks confused at Twig. Ashlyn looks at her phone, it's December 25. She says," Why is it Christmas already? Shouldn't it be May?" Miller walks in holding a crying Alli. Zoe comforts her while Miller says," There's a skinny naked guy outside!" Ashlyn grabs her pistol and runs out. She goes outside, it is covered in snow with human-like footprints. Miller brings in a box covered in blood. Zoe opens it and drops it after seeing what is inside. A small brush with human teeth. Ashlyn rushes back in and says," There's something outside and this doesn't make sense. Yesterday it was May, now Alli finds a brush made with human remains. I think we're dealing with an SCP." Ashlyn hands her a note she found outside. Zoe reads," Dear scumbags. This is 4666, but you can call me Yule Man. I noticed your little attack on my fellow anomalies and have been asked to take action. Sadly your attack was outside my active period. To fix this, I have employed another friend to help mess with the date. You are now trapped in a time loop that lasts 12 days. My motives are for you to find out as are my employers. What I will tell you is that when you wake up after the 12th day, the loop resets. If you die, the loop resets. I will kill you over and over until my boss is satisfied. You won't see me coming. I will take your baby wendigo and enslave her. Any tries to call the Foundation will be punished. They never caught me and they never will. I travel all over the north during Christmas and visit the children. I even leave them little toys. The event you are now part of is known as Weissnacht. Have fun and Merry Christmas. From the Yule Man." Ashlyn growls and says," I'll kill this fucker!!" Zoe says," Calm down! We don't know what he does and what he looks like. We need to do research." Ashlyn takes a deep breath and says," The prick also left us a hard drive." Zoe plugs it in and opens the files. They are all news reports of attacks dating back to the 1400s. Ashlyn says," This bitch never said we couldn't use it. Just that we can't call the Foundation, whoever they are." Miller says," The SCP Foundation? I know all about them."
Chapter 2: Explanations:
Miller pulls out a notebook and begins reading," The SCP Foundation is a secret group dedicated to containing anomalies that defy the laws of our world. They have sites all over the world that contain these creatures. Based on the number and how he called himself the Yule Man, I know somewhat how to stop him." Ashlyn said," Who the hell let you read this stuff?" Miller replies," You never block anything so of course, I'd find some dark things." Zoe asks," Well what does this Yule Man do exactly and why is he targeting Twig?" Miller opens her computer and reads," Based on the terms he used, I can help anticipate his moves. So far we're only in the first phase. This is where Yule Man will watch his prey from outside or a window while they sleep." Ashlyn asks," What's phase two?" Miller replies," Days 7 to 11 are when the entire family will hear footsteps in the attic or on the roof and commonly report a foul smell with no source." Zoe asks," What happens on day 12?" Miller replies," Well, Yule Man has two confirmed outcomes. One is where he enters the house and kills the entire family except for one child under the age of 8. For some reason, he did his other option early." Ashlyn says," So your saying Yule Man leaves toys made of body parts?" Miller replies," Human children to be exact." Ashlyn says," The calm manner you said all that in disturbs me." Zoe asks," So what can we do to stop him?" Miller replies," This isn't a normal Weissnacht. He already said he'll kill us over and over. The wiki doesn't mention any way to stop him. Also most likely our death would go unnoticed by the world as the Foundation can't contain him and suppresses any news of him. Based on what the letter said, He's making new rules. This means we have a chance at ending this." Zoe asks," Does it say that parents seeing the footprints is normal?" Miller replies," No, based on the fact Mom saw the prints, it's a good bet you both can see him if he comes back. Although I don't know why he picked us when we live in a suburban area. He normally takes out isolated targets." Ashlyn says," I'm getting the tracker ready. I'll shoot him with the dart and we can see him coming."
Chapter 3: Siege:
It's nightfall. The family sits in the TV room looking outside. Twig hears something and rushes to the window. She points at a figure in the trees. Ashlyn opens the window and aims. She says," Jesus this guy is ugly, look at his nuts!" Zoe groans and says," Just shoot him." Ashlyn pulls the trigger and fires the dart. A faint groan can be heard as the figure goes back into the trees.
Chapter 4: Recovery:
The next morning, Alli walks in again crying while Miller brings in another box. Zoe opens it. It's a knife made from bone. She hands her mother a note. Zoe reads," Scumbags, you have been marked by the Foundation as a target of Weissnacht. They will send a task force to secure you. This will not stop me, however. My time loop is gone, but I'll still make your corpses into furniture for my cave. Your little tracker won't be hidden for long. Also, 049 sends his best wishes and a present. 049 is great at making friends with people. I hope you have fun with his new friends. From Yule Man." Zoe asks," Miller which one is 049, and what friends are Yule Man talking about?" Miller replies," 049 is a plague doctor like creature who kills people just by touching them. He performs surgery on his victims to cure the Pestilence as he calls it. This results in zombies." A knock on the door is heard. Ashlyn opens it and sees Allison. Allison says," We got word that 4666 is after you guys. I called in some friends to help." She pointed to a truck full of armed soldiers. Ashlyn asks," How did they agree to this?" Allison replies," My brother is in the top part of the Foundation and we still care about each other. He greenlit this mission under the condition that we bring in 4666 if possible instead of you sending him to some prison." Ashlyn says," Well seeing as this jerk wants my kid, I wouldn't care if you shot him. Where are they gonna hand out anyway?" Allison replies," They brought more than one truck. Besides, they're trained to survive in this kind of stuff. We also got a piece of mail addressed to you guys. It's got 4666's prints on it." Ashlyn opens it. It's a hard drive labeled Fun Times. Ashlyn plugs it in and opens the file. It's security footage taken directly by 4666. It shows mutilated children with missing limbs. A voice can be heard saying," Keep going or we'll make you one of them!" A high-pitched laugh can be heard as the camera pans over to a skinny male eating a child. The voice says," Hey 4666, save for the rest of them!" 4666 flips off the camera before saying," I'm coming for you. No one can save you." Ashlyn groans and says," WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Torture Porn?!" Allison replies," That's first-hand footage of 4666's lair. We can't match it to anything." Gunshots echo outside. Ashlyn grabs her pistol and goes to look. 4666 is outside killing the task force with logs and tools. A soldier is stabbed in the throat with an ax. Ashlyn aims and fires at 4666. He growls and leaps on her. Allison grabs her gun but is thrown aside by Yule Man. Zoe comes out and fires a shot into Yule Man. Yule Man tries to teleport away, but can't. Zoe says," Looks like that demon juice we got from Alastor really does work." Ashlyn kicks off 4666. The remaining soldiers grab 4666 and cuff him. They load him into the trucks. Then a black limo off in the distance drives off. Ashlyn says," Take that you Yule Tide Terror." Yule Man growls at them as he is placed in chains. Allison says," Hopefully they can save the rest of the kids he kidnapped." Ashlyn tells them goodbye and walks inside. She says," Well ladies, Yule Man is off to a monster jail that he won't get out of." They go to sleep. The next morning when Ashlyn wakes up, her phone says May 17. The kids walk in and say," I swear yesterday was Christmas." Zoe said," We still gotta find out who made the time loop." Ashlyn said," Not today." The two then kissed.
submitted by WerewolfOverlord to stories [link] [comments]
2020.10.20 23:45 ThrowRAmeanstepsis Naked moms home
Starting off by saying I've never posted anything like this and am awfully bad at storytelling, so my apologies if it's all over the place and friggin long. Using a throwaway because this contains some sensitive info.
Some slight backstory so this post makes a bit more sense - my stepmom and dad got married in 2017, which was a secret that none of my other siblings knew about because stepmom had previously robbed our house and took all of my dad's money, and stole his guns (he has a license or whatever you need to get one), and a year later they got back together and my dad didn't want to break the news they were getting married. Anywho, while in school, I lived primarily with my dad, stepmom, and stepsis as my bio mom was having addiction issues. During this time I never got close to my 'step-family', I usually felt alienated from stepmom and stepsis. I have 3 siblings who didn't live at home when my stepmom moved in (back in 2016) as they are much older than me and never trusted her or her daughter, but acted civilly. The most crucial part of this story is the lack of acknowledgment I have gotten from stepmother for her robbing our house and taking all our furniture, and abandoning us (and stealing our cat). When this happened, my dad and I bonded a lot.
Another important instance is one time, while I was living with stepmom/dad/stepsis, my dad was out of town for 2 months (business trip) and had taken away my car away (I'd say slightly reasonably since I had gotten my car towed-dumb kid). My stepmom was supposed to drive me to/from my classes at the nearby community college since I was in 'running start', but she ended up never taking me once or even talking to me the entire time he was gone, and I failed 3 of my classes as a result (I went along with this mostly since I during this time I had an 'attempt' and was lucky to be alive). One night while dad was still out of town, he calls me and says he can't get a hold of stepmom and asked me to check in on her. She was in their room, but the door was locked and I knocked and asked if she was okay. No answer. I kept knocking for while, and still no answer. My dad told me to break down the door. I ended up picking the lock with 2 bobby pins (thanks Skyrim), but she had also locked herself in the bathroom with the bath running. After about 15 mins of knocking and trying to get into the bathroom, and the lockpick not working, I told my dad I should call the police. He said to just break down the door. In this moment, I didn't have the capacity to stand the idea of maybe finding her dead body, and I'm 5'3 and 120 pounds so I wouldn't even be able to knock a door down. I gave a warning I was calling the police to both my dad and presumably her through the bathroom door, I hung up on my dad and called 911. They showed up fairly quickly and started knocking profusely on her bathroom door. Finally, they warned they were going to break down the door, and the bathroom running stopped. She walked out, in just a bathroom robe with dry hair, and asked what was going on. She claimed she was taking a shower and that everything was fine. The police were questioning her and very skeptical of her story, but ultimately no one was harmed so an office just pulled me aside and asked if she had ever used drugs, and I said I didn't know. He told me if I had somewhere else to stay, I should go. Later that night I got an angry call from my dad screaming at me for getting the police involved. I told him I didn't want to see a potentially dead body, and he said I was overreacting and that I was being overdramatic, she would never do that. He was so pissed at me he said when he got back from business trip I shouldn't be there. I was able to get my car keys back that night, and I packed all my stuff and moved to my mom's an hour away.
After that all happened, no one talked about what happened. I just ended up forgiving everything and we never talked about it again, and I still managed a civil but distant relationship with stepmom. My dad and I got close again after a few months passed.
Finally, to the part that I would call the 'climax' of the story. In February, I moved out of my mom's house as she had BPD + bipolar disorder and it became too much for me I got my own apartment in a major nearby city, and my relationship with my parents (both sides) improved a lot. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Then, a few nights ago, I planned on driving down to my dad's to say hi / do laundry (no in-house laundry)/see some friends. When I asked him if that was okay, he said he was going to be out of town, but that his house was my house and I shouldn't have to ask. I then asked if my friends could gather there since no one else is home (step sis lives there but is barely home and usually out partying). I told him the names of my 4 friends who he all knows who would be there, and all was set, he and my stepmom were totally cool with it. Before I left for the gathering, I texted stepsis and said I'd be bringing some friends over since no ones there and my dad and stepmom okayed it, and I had laundry to do, and she usually isn't home, so I asked if I should feed the animals or do anything for her. She said she'd actually be home watching movies with a couple of friends, and I was like ohshit, and felt bad intruding, but she said no worries and that we could even all hang out together if we wanted, as we are around the same age. I pick up my friends, and walk in the front door, greeting her and trying to introduce myself to her friends and whatnot, and she just says "hi" and ignores the rest of us. I figured she was a bit annoyed that we were there, but at this point we wanted to make do with the situation since we are all usually away at separate universities. The air was extremely awkward in the house so my friends and I opted to go into the garage and hang out there, reducing our disturbance and noise. We set up a picnic blanket, pillows, and pulled out some card games, and drank a little. We would have to walk past the area stepsis was with 2 friends to go to the bathroom, and they were just drinking and seemingly gossiping about whatever, just a normal girls night, except they were ignoring us. No biggie, I felt bad being in their space anyways even though this was my dad's house, but I didn't live there anymore, and she took my old room. Fast forward to 2 am, one of my friends comes back from the bathroom to say that stepsis wants me to call my dad and I look at my phone to a bunch of missed calls from my him, and then my phone dies. I already was like oh shit, what did I do? But I didn't have time to ask, as then stepsis and friends started to say they wanted us to leave, and get the fuck out. I had a friend go into the house to grab my belongings for me, and my stepsis threw my uncleaned laundry in a garbage bag and threw it at us. My friend said while she was grabbing my stuff that they were talking shit about my family and bad talking my family. Also, they had started to strip naked and were dancing loudly to music and laughing. We just opted to go to one friend's house to sleep, and 2 of us didn't drink so 1 drove my car and the other just drove us to their house, and we slept there. Before I went to bed, I charged my phone finally and my dad had only sent one message, saying "why would you invite so many people there?" and I told him I gave him the names of everyone that would be coming over before I even asked. I knew he was pissed at me. He never replied, but by this point, I was livid and angry about the situation, about everything. I was mad that stepsis went behind my back and told dad whatever she said, not sure what she said still. But I was also mad that my dad didn't ask me about it first, but instead went on a calling rampage assuming I was doing- god knows what I went off on him over text essentially saying that I have tolerated stepmom and stepsis for years and been civil and tried to make stepsis and stepmom like me, and try and forgive them for all the bullshit, and that I would not return to his house until I got an apology from stepsis, but also an apology from stepmom for all of her shit too. I do feel pretty guilty about going off on him, since in that situation I don't know what he was told, but he has always stood idly by and been complicit in everything that has happened between me and stepsis and stepmom. I just snapped, I couldn't deal with any of the passive aggressiveness from them, the lack of accountability, anything. I was, and am, done pretending. I am not saying I am going to never forgive them, all I want is an apology. But honestly, I don't know if that is going to happen. It has been 3 days and my dad has yet to reply to me. I am really scared, as my dad and I are very close and he was my rock for years when my mom wasn't there, and I love him a lot. All I want is for everyone to get along, but not at the expense that I am tolerating someone treating me like shit. I'll be honest I mostly want to fix the relationship between me and his married-in family because I am scared he won't talk to me if I don't. Stepmom and I have always gotten along better than other siblings, but she is eerily good at faking nice and she tries talking shit about my siblings and dad to me which I don't tolerate. She has done weird stuff like ignore me when I walk through their front door if she and my dad are in an argument. Idk. All of it is weird. I just want my relationship with them to be okay, but I want closure for everything that has happened as well. What can I do or say to make everything okay? How do I repair the relationship with stepmom and stepsis so I can keep my good relationship with my dad? I have a lot of anger towards them, but most of it is because of the lack of acknowledgment and passive-aggressiveness across the years. People of Reddit -- what would you do in this situation, and is it possible to stay close with my dad at this point?
I welcome any insight on this situation (if anyone gets this far lol) but please be considerate to everyone in this story, there's a lot more to it but I wanted to keep this as short but also provide enough information so the story made sense, as there are a lot of elements.
TLDR; My stepmom and stepsis ignore me and are passive-aggressive to me and siblings, and the other day my stepsis snapped on me in front of my friends and my dad is complicit in the situation and refuses to acknowledge how badly they treat me or stick up for me. Now I want to get a good relationship with my dad back but I am not sure I can move on from the years of how they treated me without them acknowledging it.
Sorry for the extra background, it was sort of therapeutic for me to put all of this in writing. Again thank you if you took the time to read. <3
submitted by ThrowRAmeanstepsis to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.10.20 19:39 thephloxisjinxed My boyfriend (22M) has had pictures on his phone of other girls. I (20F) know for sure he took one of them. Is this cheating?
To begin with, we have been together for three years since May 2017. I was 17 and he had just turned 19.
We have been through a lot, are very serious, lived with each other since we were eight months into our relationship when his mom kicked him out and I begged my mom to let him move in so he wouldn’t have to sleep in his car. Never paid rent or spent any money while living with my family (from Jan 2018 to August 2019). My step-dad got him a job when we first met too and he had lost his job due to a possession charge.
I think the first time I found a picture in his phone was June 31st, 2020. I went into his email, and into his trash. There was just a picture sideways of a girl dressed in a blue work out top and very see through leggings (sent from another gmail account of his). Although it might be a swim top? There is also a guy in the picture in swim trunks, but focus is on the girl. I have no idea when he could have hung out with any friends at a pool without me knowing since I live with him and he works everyday except one day and I’m basically always with him. When I confronted him with it, he was angry, dodgy, and would only say he sent it to himself from a random website (he said pornhub candid then took it back and won’t say what it is from).
Then there was another incident since then, where there were a series of pictures of a girl in a pink bikini top, black bikini bottom, walking on a board walking during sunset; then pics of her walking to a car with luggage in tow at night—same swim suit. No naked pictures or anything incriminating that he was there with her. So he also said he found them online.
Most recent time. August 30th. I get a text from my aunt in New York inviting me to visit her during December, I’d have to fly to her and get a chance to visit my family. She also tried to FaceTime me. As soon as I saw the message and missed FaceTime call, I tell my bf. Immediately angry with me, ridiculing the idea, saying ‘she’s just gonna make you pay for an expensive ticket just for you to be there for five days’ ‘you’re really gonna leave me?’ ‘Fine, but I’m gonna take a road trip and you’re not invited’. Leaves for his job which starts at 3pm angry and not have given me a kiss.
He comes home at like 8 or 9 ish and we watch TV and are being chill. I go on his phone and look through his photos while he is distracted by the tv. This picture breaks my heart because it is new, and taken at 3:55pm. My boyfriend is a security guard, and the company he works for has him at a condominium doing gate duty. This picture is for sure from that condominium’s clubhouse, I confirmed it looking at real estate photos online and matched identifying parts of the picture he took, and the ones from the real estate. He is inside the clubhouse, apparently he was heating his food up according to him but I know he also goes there to use the bathroom, and sees a woman in her 30s/40s in a black bikini top and bottom, and a hat. Apparently she had sunglasses on but I can’t tell from the picture. You just see her sitting back, relaxing, reading a book in an adjustable pool lounger. There is another person in the chair next to her but you don’t see their body at all just their silhouette in the chair so the focus has to be the girl if he is taking the picture all the way from inside through the closed sliding glass door. It looks like he just liked her legs and stomach maybe. You see her hands against her lap holding the book open.
It is so intimate and so unknowing, it makes it so much more creepy and heart breaking. And it’s where he works at! As a security guard! I confronted him about it (after sending it to myself) and he lied to me. Told me there was no photo and I can check his phone and there is no photo of a girl in his phone. I check it and he deleted it and it is in his trash. I hand the phone back and ask him if it is in his trash. He walks away, deleted it from his trash, and then showed me. I told him I sent the picture to myself already. We argue, and I’m the one who slept on the couch that night. Although he did let me in when I woke up and knocked on the door at 3 in the morning.
He maintains the taking of the picture was him being stupid, petty, and a huge mistake. But it wasn’t cheating. Can someone tell me if it is cheating so I don’t feel crazy? Also, is that what gaslighting is? Him saying there was no photo and lying about it and making me feel crazy?
Someone tell me what it is I should do. I have these pictures still. He has been belligerent and aggressive with me, but I think he is wary to do any attempt to harm me because I have incriminating evidence. I appreciate any input.
submitted by thephloxisjinxed to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.10.20 16:59 Oculusfluffy Sam Adams Guide Chapter 4 - Episode 1 - GRANPA156 and Pumpiikin
| Pastebin entry: https://pastebin.com/kcZxdNan|
Previous entry: https://www.reddit.com/fluffycommunity/comments/jd0v4h/sam_adams_guide_chapter_3_buwwito_aids/
Mr. Adams' Guide to Practical Fluffs - Part 4 - Episode 1 by Oculus
Featuring art by GRANPA156 and Pumpiikin
You love fluffies!
And after being on a trip between three different countries to meet three different fluffy breeds, you’re eager to meet more. "Right, so, whats the next breed you're going to show me?" you ask Sam in anticipation
"I'm afraid I have to leave you here."
You are in shock at Sam’s words, as you exclaim "Leave me here? In the middle of goddamn Germany?!!"
Sam holds his hand up, indicating you to keep quiet. He then reaches into his suit, and pulls out a few documents, tickets, and a wad of money
"I... what is this?"
"I got you a reservation for a ten day stay at the Ritz Carlton in Berlin."
Your eyes are wide open, as you blurt out, "Stay?!! But I got work tomorrow! I can't just take-"
Sam passes you another document. It has your boss's signature on it, as well as notification that you're taking a leave of absence for at least two weeks.
"He was a bit cheap. And you've done a lot for me in the past, so, consider this as thanks."
You're still fairly dumbfounded by this generosity. You continue to flip through the documents, then found two tickets to Tokyo.
"Tokyo? Whats going on?"
"Ah yes. I can't get your passport here, but I can get you a trip to Japan. Hasbio is having a conference there related to their latest work in genetic engineering. And, more importantly, ABAP Japan has a Door there."
A bit befuddled by this whole thing, you ask Sam a rather simple question. "Don't you have a teleporter here?"
"Alas," moans Sam, "we don't. The Gowdies here don't generate enough energy or break the laws of physics ( >>15062 ) to pull off such a stunt, and it takes a certain type of fluffy to be able to fire up a Door. We do have a Door in Japan though, so you're just going to have wait until I settle business in Germany, before we can go to Japan. And from there, I can take you home.
In the meantime, enjoy yourself in Berlin. Du bist jetzt ein Berliner!"
As Sam walks off, you're wondering what you're going to do in Berlin for the next ten days.
~Featuring A Tribute to Seabreeze~
Ten days passed by rather fast. You had a great time in Berlin. And soon enough, you found yourself on a private jet chartered by Sam. The plane is currently making a nonstop journey to Tokyo. It was a long flight, so you decided to have a bit of a snooze. the thing was, you had the weirdest fucking dream
You dream of a world where the reverse happened. Where the fluffies were the intelligent race, and the humans were the "dumb ones". A world where fluffies, or Equus Sapiens, had experimented with the rather primal Homo Caballus to create the genetically-engineered "human race". In this world, humans over-populated, and raided fluffy homes, while the fluffies, being able to use magic, hand to fend off human raiders. (>>25348 >>25370 >>25398 )
It was really weird. so weird, it was like you had to wake up from the dream
"Didn't sleep well?"
Sam greets you. He's in his bathrobe, holding a cup of coffee and seems like he just got out of the shower. No, that’s wrong. He left the door of his quarters open, and you can see the flight attendant on the bed, naked, and fast asleep. Sam blushes, then closes the door quickly.
"Erm, you caught me doing worse."
As he sits downs on the chair opposite yours, you catch a glimpse of his well-endowed junk. Grabbing your eyes, you softly say “I did not need to see that.”
“Sorry about that.” An embarrassed Sam apologizes, as he rearranges his robe to be more accommodating.
"Yeah whatever, I just had the weirdest fucking dream."
As you narrate your dream to Sam, he starts wondering, “Maybe it’s a glimpse into a parallel universe.”
“Oh knock it off Sam, its just a dream.”
“I’m serious mate. One of the problems with using the door is that, after a while, you start experiencing parallel realities. Sometimes they may be physical, sometimes its mental. I’ve encountered a few alternate realities myself, sometimes in dreams.”
“Yeah well, I seriously find it hard to believe that a fluffy pony civilization can exist, that could create humans the way our reality is the opposite of that.”
Sam takes a sheet of paper from a memo pad. He then starts drawing some random stuff, as he imagines the scenario. "Actually that got me thinking. How would a fluffy society work, and how would ferals come about? In our world there are dogs that wear tiny sweaters, but the dogs don't have manufacturing capabilities either. I imagine that the fluffy pony civilization has built an industry around providing accessories for their human pets. Further, I imagine that the humans would reject naked humans or humans clad in caveman skins from their group the same way that we would. So they are all wearing clothes made by the fluffy ponies, though feral life has made them shabby…."
"You're thinking WAY too much about this!"
You are currently attending the Hasbio Japan conference with Mr Adams. As Mr Adams is a member of ABAP, he maintains some relations with Hasbio, and can attend their press conferences. However, despite this relationship, many of the staff in Hasbio, particularly the scientists, are not fond of Mr Adams. He has had their run-ins with them before, on questionable ethics.
One of the more interesting things covered in the conference is the successful cloning of the Woolly Mammoth. However, due to the size of the creature, as well as its large dietary requirements and particular habitat preferences, mammoths are currently restricted to a Hasbio enclosure in Siberia. It is not known if or when a woolly mammoth will be brought to a zoo, if at all. Hasbio, however, has ruled out a potential Jurassic Park situation. A UN agreement a few years back has maintained a ban on any attempt to clone an animal that existed before the Cenozic Era. As it is, they are now working on banning recreations of animals like the Smilodon and the Basilasaurus. Even the Mammoth was frowned upon due to its sheer size and was eventually allowed due to its herbivorous nature. Hasbio is currently turning its attention towards bringing back the High Arctic camel. ( >>25563 )
The conference continues, and a representative from Hasbio starts talking about the commonly perceived negative perceptions of fluffies. As she keeps going into detail about their common selfish attitudes, their rejection of alicorns, and their limited intelligence, the Hasbrio representative then takes the moment to announce work on the "Hasbio Biological Companion version 2.0" ( >>23554 )
\"Hasbio Biological Companion version 2.0\" (Artist:GRANPA156)
Following a drumroll, and the unveiling of a curtain, in steps a literal biological recreation of Princess Celestia. You recognize it, because you had watched reruns of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as a child. From Sam, you also know that Hasbio started work on fluffies as a result of trying to meet the growing demand among the populace for their own pony pet. Fluffies, however, were considered a rushed product
This biotoy, being show accurate, seems more in line with what Hasbio intended from the start.
"Huwwo fwens! Huwwo daddehs, mummahs and kind mistahs! Cewestia fwuff am good fwuff!"
The Hasbio representative is speechless, and her face has turned completely red. She politely asks for her spot to end while she rushes the "Celestia" off-stage. Despite the heavy soundproof curtains, you can vaguely hear her anger through the veil. "What do you MEAN you didn't breed out the fluffspeak?!! You embarrassed me in front of all our stockholders, you FUCKS!" In addition, the “Celestia” could be heard crying "Owie! Mummah am meanie! Huu huu..."
"Welp, that was a disaster," quipped Sam.
As the conference ends and the audience clear, you think about the fluffies depicted in the presentation. They didn't seem like any you had seen before sold in a Fluffmart. They had a more equine shape to them, and more equine-like snouts, unlike other, more popular fluffy breeds.
"Oh, those are GRANPAs."
"To be more precise, the GRANPA-156. Fairly rare breed. The scientist you saw speaking was actually one of the scientists involved in their creation."
Tomoko and her fluffy (Artist:GRANPA156)
As the two of you keep walking, you pass by a schoolgirl holding a brown GRANPA fluffy. Her eyes are ladened with bags, her hair a complete mess, and she has seen the best of the days. However, she seems happy, as she cuddles the brown fluffy in her arms. The fluffy seems to have been doing well under her. ( >>26708 )
"Why didn't they make more of them?"
"It is hard to say. One thing about fluffies released by Hasbio directly, is that there's also a limit to how much you can breed or crossbreed them. It is something that I myself, as well as the rest of ABAP, are still trying to understand. It could be a case of different genes resulting in a different makeup, thus making certain 'breeds' the equivalent of species or sub-species, like the difference between a fox and a dog. but none of this is certain."
"I feel like I have seen fluffies like GRANPAs before."
"There is definitely a type, but I can't put my figure on what the type is like. I feel like it is similar to the Babbeh-Teef, Fluffus and Red breeds. And definitely not the same as Pumpiikins. But I want to do some comparison and research before I confirm the existence of a type."
The trip to the ABAP Japan building was not long, and currently, you're in the same type of room as the one you had been in previously. Sam and the scientists converses with the Japanese ABAP staff fluently
As the devices are prepped, you can hear the boxes, clearly with some kind of fluffy in them, going "Sketti! Sketti! Sketti!"
You want to tell Sam that the fluffies are too excited, but, you think Sam knows already.
"馬鹿! You put in too much power!"
He says this, breaking out of the Japanese. It is possible that he is getting exasperated. As you walk towards the door, and the fluffies keep yelling"Sketti! Sketti! Sketti" intensely, you have no idea what will happen next.
Upon pressing down the door handle, you feel a sudden jolt, like as if something from the other side of the door pulls you in. Sam calls for your name, but it is a bit too late. The door closes before he can get to you.
Your head hurts. Whatever force had pulled you through the door, it has landed your face right smack into a toilet bowl. Your face is dangerously hovering above the water. From the smell, you can tell that someone clearly didn't flush.
You now have a vague idea of what Sam was warning you about. As you try to regain your bearing, you hear a cry from outside your cubicle.
"Daddeh! Pweeze no weave fwuffy and babbeh!"
"Godammit Seabreeze, I need to go to the toilet!"
As he says this, you feel a little twinge in your stomach. Oh god, you got to make the big poopies! As you sit upon the toilet seat, you could overhear a phone conversation from the cubicle beside you. The voice belongs to the same man who was talking to his rather needy fluffy earlier.
"Yeah, who is this? Oh hey dad.
Yeah, yeah I'm doing fine. Just left the company a week ago, but I am going for an interview tomorrow. Came to ABAP today to ensure Seabreeze gets her routine check-up and shots."
That one line relieves you. Looks like Sam's stupid door DID work. Wish the fluffies had picked a better spot though.
"Yeah, Seabreeze is doing fine. Same for her foal, Aurora. It is amazing how fast foals can grow up. Aurora is a big adult now. I think it is a miracle that Seabreeze was able to raise her, what with her being an alicorn."
That line intrigues you. Even though you eavesdropping on what is a fairly private conversation, you can't help but want to listen more.
"Yeah, Aurora was Seabreeze's only child. I should tell you the story of what happened over the past year.
Seabreeze really wanted a child of her own, which tends to happen when fluffy mares watch too much FluffTV. So she ran off one day, and got knocked up by a random feral. I was rather angry with her, but at the same time, was intrigued at the idea of raising a foal. After all, we got Seabreeze as an adult.
However, there was a little accident while Seabreeze was pregnant."
You could hear him hesitating. It seems to be that whatever happened to him and his fluffy must have been difficult.
Seabreeze and Aurora (Artist:GRANPA156)
"Suffice to say, Seabreeze had Aurora. Seabreeze initially rejected Aurora. After all, she was an alicorn."
You hear him chuckle, as he recollects, "I remember the first time she breastfed her filly. She genuinely thought that Aurora was trying eat her! She kept calling me in the middle of the night, and I had to remind her that, no, Foam was not a monster, and Foam was her babbeh.
It was difficult to say the least."
There is a change of tone in his voice, as it becomes a bit more tender.
"But, Aurora has been a good girl. I managed to toilet train her well, and she's not overly dependent or wanting for treats. I feel tempted to say she's better then her mother."
You definitely can't hear what the response is on the other end of the phone, but whatever it is, it sounded like the equivalent of taking Seabreeze off his hand, whether by giving it back to his father, or something similar.
I know Seabreeze has been a pain in my ass. She's a troublemaker, and she's needy. But I have to admit, she's a good mother. Even though it took a lot of training, she came to accept Aurora. The two are kind of inseparable. And besides, Aurora looks up to her mom, even though she behaves better than her. I guess I just have fondness for the little rascal that Seabreeze is.
Anyway, I better get going. you called me in the middle of a bathroom break, and I think I left Seabreeze and Aurora alone for too long."
As you finish your business, you walk out of the toilet. You see a man stroking the cyan mane of his GRANPA fluffy, along with her alicorn progeny
"See that didn't take long did it?"
"Yus daddeh. And babbeh played upsies with fwuffy."
"Oh did he? Good girl, Aurora."
"You two have been good girls. Lets go get some spaghetti!"
As the man and his two fluffs walk off, you feel a slight happiness as you look at them.
As you watch Seabreeze and her family walk off, you hear a familiar voice make an unrelated observation in a rather concerned tone, "A one hour difference. Rather anomalous."
It is Mr. Adams.
"Glad to see you made it back safely."
"I'm surprised you didn't land on top of me in the toilet. Then again, maybe it is a good thing that didn't happen."
"Sorry I took so long. I forgot to bring a fluffy I saw back in Japan."
He's carrying a white fluffy in his arms. The fluffy has green mane and tail, with its mane arrange in long pigtails like as though it was hair. Its front and hind legs have been dyed in a shade of black, with the number "01" spray-painted on each front leg. The overall design of the fluffy reminds you of a icon in Japanese culture. ( >>46600 )
Hatsune Miku Vocaloid Fluffy (Artist: Pumpiikin)
"That fluffy looks like Hatsune Miku!"
Sam smiles, as he continues, "Yes. This is a vocaloid fluffy, and yes, its of the Hatsune Miku model. What's interesting about it is that it can be programmed to sing any song rendered in vocaloid. There are limitations though."
He whispers something into the fluffy's ear, then places her down on the foor. The fluffy then sing's a rendition of "World is Mine"
"世界でいちばんおひめさま そういう扱い 心得てよね "
It's a pitch-perfect recreation of Miku's voice. Well almost. You can still hear the unmistakeable presence of the fluffy lisp. But for the most part, the voice matches Miku’s. As you stare flabbergasted at the fluffy, Mr Adams makes a verbal note of things, "I should get a friend of mine to do a toy review of this fluffy."
At the same time, as you notice the large amount of chest fluff, like a Yehdoo, but a lack of puffed cheeks, as well as short legs, you are curious as to what breed of fluffy this was
"Oh this? This is a Pumpiikin. Its a fluffy Hasbio is still producing currently. Speaking of which, I'll tell you more about Pumpiikins, but next time we meet." (>48433 )
"Next time I'll have to take you to a farm to see more Pumpiikins. But not today. I'm sure you're exhausted."
It is about two days later. You had planned to see Mr Adams yesterday but, as Sam predicted, you slept for more than 12 hours upon reaching home. Once again, you can tell why Sam is a bit cautious about relying on Fluffy-induced teleportation.
You are currently in the back of a car with Mr Adams. Usually he would take a limousine, or a private car, but today he is driving his own car and is dressed rather casually
"We're going to a Sugar Crest Farms. They're located South." ( >>46705 )
Cutie Pies Advertisment (Artist: Pumpiikin)
The name seems familiar at first. And then it dawns on you. The fresh aroma of baked pastry sweetened with honey and butter. And within it was delectable meat. You have the fortune of eating one, once. But that fortune turned to misfortune when you came to realize what was inside them
"They run a fluffy meat business! They kill fluffies!"
"I get what you mean. But it is still legal to eat fluffies in this country. ABAP has been trying to get the practice prohibited, the way feline and canine meat is prohibited, but Hasbio has been actively pushing for fluffy meat as an alternative to 'natural' meats, as they call it."
"I just don't get why you want to go to a fluffy meat farm, of all places!"
"Well, my friend, it is a farm that is focused primarily on Pumpiikin fluffies. Specifically, the fluffalo."
You then remember that Sam wanted to show you Pumpiikins. But it still begs the question.
"Why not just show me Pumpiikins at the ABAP mart?"
"I could do that - but there is one type of Pumpiikin fluffy that we don't have. Their fluffalo. And there's a greater variety of Pumpiikins at their farm then we have down here.
Also, and you're not going to like this, but, they're our main supplier, and breeder, for Pumpiikin fluffies. Hasbio still produces Pumpiikins, but most of them are sent to this particular farm. I've been wondering what relationship there is between Hasbio and Sugar Crest farms, if any."
CONTINUED HERE: https://www.reddit.com/fluffycommunity/comments/jetmzp/sam_adams_guide_chapter_4_episode_2_pumpiikin_and/
submitted by Oculusfluffy to fluffycommunity [link] [comments]
2020.10.20 08:58 Cre8ivejoy My son got out of jail tonight
Hi my 24 year old son got out of jail tonight, and walked to my house. It must be 10 miles from the jail. It was about 1:30 AM. It is cold and wet outside, and he has nothing. Just his release papers and the clothes on his back.
He has been struggling with addiction since he was about 14, maybe earlier. His father was alive and we were together. We got him therapy, counseling, and finally, sent him to treatment when he was 15. He refused to work the program to get out early and wound up being there over a year.
When he got out, we moved to a different state where we had family, and he could get away from bad influences. He went from bad to worse, in the downward spiral that most of us are familiar with. We have been here eight years.
During that time, He has been in and out of jail and treatment, more times than I can remember. His father and I spent oner $100k trying to help him, we were not wealthy. It was a sacrifice. He has two children with different women. One the mother decided to not let me see anymore when he was 3. The other’s baby is two months old, and I have not seen her yet. My oldest grandson’s mom is bitter about my son and punishing me. The second, I don’t know what the deal is. The first I am fighting in court to see my grandson. There are grandparent’s rights in this state.
Anyway, my son’s father died a terrible, horrific death of cancer in his bones and spine. My son of course was not here to help or support in any way. He is a trained CNA but never helped and rarely showed up (as they do). He was not with us when his father died, and did not come to the funeral. He has been in jail most of the time since then. All drug related.
I have tried to help him three times since his father died. The first time to get him into a Christian college program. I let him stay with me less than a week when he got out of a jail rehab program for six months. He broke into my deadbolted bedroom, stole my anxiety medicine (I had a breakdown after his father died. We had been married 30 years.) I had left him at the house when I went to the store for a few minutes. When I got home I was furious. He had actually sold some of the meds and was super loaded. I took back my meds, took the money he made selling it, snd put him out the door.
The second time was several months later. He called me crying (supposedly) from his father’s grave. I let him come to my house for one hour. Some how, when he was there, he stole two bank cards from me, and managed to get over $10,000 from them. His (then) girlfriend was his accomplice. He eventually got busted and I pressed charges.
The last time, he called me back in July of this year, begging me to please please help him. He was relentless and I caved drove to pick him up. He was tweeking hard, half naked. Super paranoid, I was frightened. I took him to Walmart, got him a set of clothes, shoes, a cheap phone, and a phone card. I drove him to a hotel got him a room, gave him cash (i know, I know), told him I am done. I was literally afraid of him, and for him. The only way I could easily, and safely (for me) get him out of the car, was to do something like this.
Someone messaged me and told me he was dealing out of the hotel room. The next morning I got a call from my credit card saying there was suspicious activity on my card. He had pickpocketed me, gotten my card number, and dropped the card back in my handbag. I canceled the card, and got a new one. Then I called the police and told them where he was.
They didn’t get him right away, but at the first of August. He had six felony charges and some how, some miraculous way, October 19th the judge let him go. He had emailed me and told me all charges were being dropped because of a technicality, but I did not believe him. Pretty much if his mouth is moving he is lying.
He showed up here, and rang my doorbell. It scared me, and my new husband. I have recently remarried, and my husband has never been around an addict or even known anyone who is a criminal like my son. My son hasn’t been charged with anything violent, but he has the capacity. He broke his father’s nose twice. His father totally enabled him, letting him live in our home drinking, trashing our home, and pretty much doing anything he chose. I was about to leave before my first husband got sick with cancer, because I literally could not take any of it, anymore. But I stayed and was my first husband’s caregiver, for two years until he died a very very painful death.
Anyway my current husband was an officer in the military, but as I said, my son is scary, and scary looking person. I didn’t want anything to happen between them. My husband really doesn’t deserve to be exposed to my son’s volatility, illness, and general insanity. I just don’t want him to have to deal with it any more than he has to. He deals with ptsd, already. And I am scared of my son.
I called the police to come and get him, and take him away. I told them he was just sitting on my porch, but that I don’t want him here because I am afraid of him. They have been out here before when my son was younger, and helped me in the past. They know him. They said they would take him to a shelter. He was not doing anything really illegal, but because of the circumstances they picked him up. I am very thankful I live in a small town where the police and sheriff’s department are so helpful to people. They go the extra mile.
So now I am a wreck, upset, frightened, both for myself and for my son. I know he is a grown man at 24. It is the age his father was, when I met him.
My son, my only child was adopted at birth. We found out much later, that both his biological mother, and father were addicts. His bio mom is sober now for many years, bio father is still a mess. I know that genetics play a part in this. I believe he was triggered when our family went through a crisis, when my son was 12. It started with cigarettes, then otc meds (which I was cluelessness about , until I wasn’t). Of course he has bern on the downward spiral ever since.
My people, I really, really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to have to get a court order for him to stay away from me. I want him to live, get clean, and healthy, and become the amazing man I know he has the potential to be. But I cannot do it for him, and any help I have given him ( three times in the past three years) has been an utter failure. I know he is angry with me. I cannot say I blame him. I know he is scared, but so am I. I love him very much but I have to stay uncoupled. For my sanity, and for my marriage.
submitted by Cre8ivejoy to naranon [link] [comments]
2020.10.20 07:18 cleanyourbedroomboy Naked moms home
“Once upon a time, in a cold, dark land, there was a king who lived on tall mountains of ice. A king without a castle, who sat on a throne of blood and skin; from the top of his mountain, he watched over his kingdom of skeletons; roaring loudly for his subject skeletons on the arrival of winter, cautioning them of the impending icy winds.”
“The skeleton kingdom was home to all kinds of skeletons. Tall skeletons, short skeletons, fat skeletons and thin skeletons, old skeletons and younger, fresher skeletons.”
“When they were old enough, a skeleton started to grow skin, or had blood flowing through its body. Every time that happened, they would go to the king, and bow in front of him”
““My lord of flesh and blood” A skeleton would say, “Here I give to you a humble offering, so you may make it one with your throne.” And with that, the skeleton would offer the king all the flesh and blood it had, and the king would find a place of it on his throne.”
“Every day, offers were made, and the throne grew bigger and bigger, taller and taller, fatter and fatter, and the king went up higher and higher.”
“More and more skeletons would come in every day and every night, and they would keep giving more and more flesh and blood to the king’s chair.”
“The king’s throne eventually grew so tall; his voice became faint, and soft to the ones who stood below. But the skeletons did not stop; like obedient subjects, they making their humble contributions to the throne.”
“Every day they added.”
“And every night they added.”
““My lord I come to offer you more of my own flesh and blood, and I hope my humble gives more strength to your throne.”, and in reply, they heard just a distant mumble from high up.”
“The throne eventually went so up high, the throne became a living tower, covered in flesh, with veins of blood flowing through it. If you were still enough, a faint heartbeat could be heard from within the tower.”
“The tower went so high up, the skeletons believed that it might have pierced through the skies.”
“One day, a skeleton bowed in front of the tower. Fresh blood dripping from his bony white hands, and a handful of extracted flesh tied neatly with ropes on his back. After his words of offering, he stood up, waiting for the king’s reply. And he waited, and waited. Not a sound. He said his words a second time. He was yet again, met with silence.”
“And then he looked up, to the vast throne he and his fellow skeletons had built, and on top of it…he froze. He could not locate the top.”
“He felt like a sailor on a boat, trapped in the still, windless of the ocean of time. A few moments felt like ages in this uncertain stillness he found himself in. And then, like a gentle breeze of hopeful wind, his skull was kissed by the dropping snow.”
“He waited for the king’s roar, knowing full well that it may never come. The king was lost in the skies.”
“The skeletons rejoiced that day. They had finally gotten themselves rid of the fleshed king that ruled over this land of bones. They had found freedom,”
“The skeletons sang all day. And they sang all night. They danced till their bones came apart, and fell on the icy terrain below; but they put it back together and danced some more.”
“They sang wildly while the moon watched silently. They continued their songs even when the moon had hidden under the blankets of a sunless winter day.”
“And as time went on, the skeletons had found themselves used to this life without a leader, and lived life free and happy.”
“Eventually, their skins began to grow back, and blood began to flow into their veins.”
“The snowfall never stopped. And the winds grew ever colder. And with the growth of their skins, the cold finally touched them. But the cold was not so gentle. It was a fierce, with icy teeth, aimed on their skins. Wanting to bite through their skins, and freeze their blood. And bite it did.”
“The skeletons had never felt the cold before. They had no understanding of it. But with the growth of their skins, they felt the harsh cold for the first time. And with this new agony, they had to live.”
“The old ones died first. And then the youngest ones found themselves frozen in the cold.”
“The skeletons fought against each other, accusing each other of being at fault for this unescapable cold of the harsh winter. And with that, eventually the skeleton kingdom found itself buried in the snow.”
“The few that lived now, found themselves slaves to the ice. By this time, they could not find a way to rid themselves of their skins either. The flesh had found roots in their bones now, and were an eternal part of them.”
“Every summer they lived in peace, but that was only before. Now, with summers, they found themselves preparing themselves for the winter, and with the winters, they prayed for the summer’s return.”
“They had tried to get their king back, readying themselves for heavy and heartfelt words of apologies, and for the punishment that might follow. Yet, the living tower had been darkened and withered by the icy winds of winter, and they king lay trapped on this tower of rot.”
“And so, with heavy hearts, the skeletons finally accepted their fate of agony and hardship, and are now subjects of the winter.”
My mother stood up straight, looking down on me as she smiled warmly, thinking I had fallen into a deep slumber, as she cautiously paced in a gentle manner to the door, and gently shut it, leaving only a tiny sliver of light seeping into my room.
Sleep hadn’t taken me yet, and I opened my eyes, to the dark room. The tiny amount of light that the door allowed in formed a line on the font wall of the room, vertically reaching from the top of the window to the floor.
I had made sure the windows had been kept covered by the blinders as tight as possible, so that I couldn’t accidentally find myself looking out of it. Or anything accidentally looking in.
I shivered at the thought.
When I was seven years old, my mother had been in the hospital, giving birth to my sister, and I had been staying with my aunt Greta at the time. I had been watching T.V. late at night; Aunt Greta didn’t care much about me going to sleep at the time my parents had set for me. But she herself, exhausted, and possibly maybe even slightly drunk, had found rest on the couch, sitting next to me, while the television flickered with various colours, illuminating her skin, edging towards the moment a light bright enough would jerk her out of her sleep. Aunt Greta won that battle, and managed to keep her sleep. But not me, I was on the loosing side, and sleep had finally begun to tug at me.
I tried distracting myself my shaking my head, and then looking around the room. That’s when I made the grave mistake of looking at the front window next to the staircase in the living room.
Two eyes stared back at me, shining white with a touch of red in them. A demonic horned outline stood out, sinisterly grabbing hold of my gaze with the hellish stare it had locked me into.
I don’t remember the exact moment I let go, but my aunt was there to comfort me, calming me down, and the thing outside the window just stood still, flinching a little.
“It’s just a cat!” Aunt Greta said comfortingly, yet slightly irritated; shooing the horrid thing away by tapping the window lightly. It pounced through the window and out of my sight.
Innocent as that encounter had been all those years ago, it had instilled in me a heavy fear of cats and looking through windows in the dark of the night.
Yet tonight, I felt a different kind of heaviness. One that came with feelings of gloom and sadness. The story my mom told me about the skeletons was not a stranger to me. Yet, it was one story I could not find myself to bear. I felt like an idiot, asking to hear that story again. My mom had told it to me a few months back, and I felt the same melancholia back then. I felt that I had grown stronger within to be able to bare that dark tale again, yet, I had only found myself feeling bad about the skeletons. Even a tiny bit of guilt for keeping their suffering alive by asking that tale to be spoken again.
I had pretended to fall asleep in hopes of my mother leaving the story undone, and walking out alone, leaving me to face only my silly fear of the dark, and not this heavy air of sadness that had been left behind.
What was the point of that story? I asked myself. There was no moral attached, not a wholesome outcome. It was a story that tied an iron chain around my tiny eleven-year-old heart, and tossed it on the bottom of a river. I still feel the same way after all these years anyway.
And the way she would tell it, it made the whole experience even more depressing. So vivid, and indifferent her narration was, it was unsettling.
But thankfully, that night was not a snowy night. It was not even winter yet. The night was a rainy one.
There was no storm, not like I would have minded that anyway, but it was a calm, gentle rain with distant soothing rumble of thunder.
I closed my eyes to sleep through the gloom I felt, but the moment I did, images of skeletons building a tower of extracted skin and blood, and dancing to the moonlight filled the darkness.
I tried to think of other things, but the skeletons had already wrapped their body fingers all around my imagination.
I didn’t want to open my eyes and look around (and seeing risk the blinders on the window somehow opened), so I buried myself in the covers, and shut my eyes. My main concern was to just get to fall asleep somehow.
Slowly, I opened my eyes,
Just a tiny peek. Just a tiny peak and nothing would go wrong.
I looked out the covers, and scanned the room. The tiny line of light was gone. My mom had probably already gone to sleep.
My eyes then moved a slightly left, to the drawer, the pile of unread books on top of it, and then…. the window.
I got of the covers, and ran to the door, all the while imagining eyes of that horrid thing in the window, I saw all those years ago following me.
I shut the door behind me, and decided to sneak to my parents’ room. I knew I wasn’t supposed to sneak out this way, my mom had a strict bedroom curfew at 9:00 p.m. for us kids. Of course, she would send us to bed earlier, but it was pretty clear she did not want us out of our rooms after nine.
But tonight, she had told me that story again, and hearing that led to a series of events that had led me to loose all of my bravery.
The rain did provide some comfort to me, calming and soft it was, I still dared not look at any windows of the hall.
Shielding half my field of vision by cupping my palm around my right eye, I went across the hall. The faint creaks of the wooden flooring making me painfully aware of my loneliness in the now dark hallway.
There was a corner up front, the left of which were some stairs leading down to the living room, and right of the corner, in a distance worth just a tiny few step was a turn, which led to the door to my parents’ bedroom, and the bathroom.
Now here, I stood still for a moment. I was trying to peak into the corner, and at the same time, trying to focus elsewhere.
If I wasn’t fast enough, something would come out of that corner, and grab me. There was so much darkness in that corner, it almost looked like a dark cloaked man sat there, concealing himself into that place with slow and even breaths.
The dark cloaked man breathed the light in and exhaled the dark. He was darkness itself. If I wasn’t quick enough, he would grab me with those long tendrils of his, and swallow me whole.
A rumble of thunder came, but not before a flash of lightning, lifting the veil of the dark from that corner, revealing… absolutely nothing. No cloaked men, no skeletons. But as soon as the light went away, I saw something there.
It was just for a tiny moment, but I swear I saw a big crawling mass of darkness. It was alive, and moving, with a thousand, or millions of appendeges, tendrils or even legs. Like a spider, or a squid, or some grotesque insect from the deep.
And when the thunder followed this time, it didn’t feel like the soothing, calming touch of my mother’s hands either; rather, it felt like a witch’s cackle, loud and hideous! Piercing through my soul and getting ever closer. A cackle from the depths of a throat with crawling maggots and rotting skin.
I bolted as fast as I can, almost tripping on my own feet, and somehow, I reached the room, and burst right through it. It was unlocked, and there I looked around in the dark, scanning frantically for my mother’s presence.
And there, standing in the dark, in front of the mirror stood someone. Hoping it was my mom, I tried to make out its features, but my heart was also infested with fear and I felt it clawing at my chest, pleading to be let out.
It was as tall as my mother, and was built like a woman. Yet…it was, naked. I could make the outline of bare, sagging breasts. Lighting struck again, this time bringing light to the entire room, and the thunder screamed a blood curdling scream as I saw the figure for what it was. The wrinkled, leathery and aged skin, along with a barren scalp. It’s lip, twisted and the jaws shut so closely, indicating a lack of teeth.
The naked old woman opened her mouth to say a few words, but I felt the world go dim around me, with a bright flash of light, before I was plunged into complete darkness.
Danny? Dan? Yeah…he’s opening his eyes…
The sound of my dad’s voice was the rope I pulled on to come out of my darkness, and I woke up with a jump.
My mother came up to the bed and wrapped her arms around me.
“I was so worried about you!” She said. “How are you feeling baby?”
Her arms around mine, I checked her for wrinkles, and suddenly feeling a bit stupid I turned a bit red.
My dad let out a laugh and punched me in the arm softly, and stood up, rubbing his bald head.
“I told you he’s a strong one. Aren’t you?”
I gave a hesitant nod.
My mother put her hands on my shoulders, sat back and looked me in the eye.
“Now, tell me what happened child. And tell me everything. It’s alright baby, mommy and daddy are here.”
I misliked the way she seemed to baby me, but I did not think to complain.
I looked at the window, the sun was rising up, and the sky seemed clear.
I remembered what I saw the night before. The crawling mass of darkness, and the naked old lady.
It’s silly now that I think of it, but at that time, I was too embarrassed to tell my
parents that I saw a naked old woman, “NAKED” old woman in our house.
“I just had a bad dream… and I got scared.”
My mom stood up. Telling me words of comfort that were meaningless to me, and walked out, holding my sister’s hand and walking out the room downstairs.
“Dad.” I told my dad as he came down to sit next to me. “I think I want to sleep a bit.”
My dad nodded, “Do you want mom?” He asked me.
I refused and shut my eyes. I was too sleepy to care or think much.
I brushed the old lady off as a bad dream, and nothing more…during the day. At night, as much as I didn’t want to, I believed with all certainty that it was real. Our house was haunted by an old lady’s ghost. I had been sleepless the first few nights, even though I had mom next to me for three days. I kept a lookout at times, peeking out the sheets to see if the old lady had come back (making sure the blinds were shut first), but I didn’t see her.
A few weeks passed and I figured it was just a bad dream, and a year or two later, I pushed it in the rear end of my mind.
It was winter, and the first batch of snow had made its way to my hometown. Flecks of snow buried themselves in my hair, and their cousins and made their place on the ground, forming a white path home.
My sister and I usually walked home from school together. I usually was on my own while my sister talked to one of her friends, I didn’t really know any of them. She and I had never been close, and during school, we drifted apart even more.
She was in middle school, and she already knew what an enormous looser I was. I used to sneak out the school from the back, as to avoid Zackary Levitt and his “Henchmen”.
They never put a hand on me; and that’s how they got away with it. I felt ashamed, unable to stand up to them. Their words bit into me like rows of sharpened teeth.
The trouble began when a white cat had found itself in front of the school, and it got too close to me, and I cried because it kept hissing at me. A lot of people happened to see that. A lot.
Zachary rode past us in one of his friend’s car. I averted my eyes so as to not attract any attention, but the more I tried to look away, the surer my chances of being harassed were.
One of them poked their head out the window, making hissing sounds. That wasn’t so bad, but then I saw my sister and her friend turn back to look at me, and they chuckled a bit.
That hurt me even worse.
That encouraged them even more. They slowed the car a bit, now all of them started meowing and hissing at me while my sister and her friend looked straight ahead, probably trying to conceal their broad grins.
In my mind, I hid in a shell like a turtle, only hearing faint echoes of their taunts. Every time I got mad enough and yelled a few colourful words of my own, they pulled their fists, ready for a fight, and the scrawny, skinny kid I was, I thought it wiser to back away.
I never cried myself to sleep. I didn’t even think about it all that much to be honest. It had become such a normal occurrence; I didn’t feel much about it.
At nights, I stayed awake, staring up to the ceiling. The only source of light in the room was the tiny sliver that creeped in from outside, as my mom stayed up much later.
The blinds as usual, had to remain shut. My fear of cats and windows were the only two things I carried, other than my shame and constant feeling of emptiness. I didn’t care I didn’t have many friends, nor did I care much about school or anything… what I cared about was, seeing through this gloomy fog that surrounded me.
The sound of my door creaking open made me sit up.
“Happy birthday to you!” My mom sang, holding up a metal tray.
My sister and my dad followed behind, turning the lights on and mom sat in front of me on the bed, placing a tiny chocolate cupcake with a skinny red candle on it, right next to me.
I looked at the clock, it had struck 12.
I put on a smile, and accepted mom’s embrace. I still remember it vividly. She wore no perfume, yet she had a soothing motherly scent to her. Her arms were skinny, and yet she had a firm hold of me. The fabric of her sleeves felt slightly rough on my neck but I didn’t care.
She planted a kiss on my cheek.
“You’re a man now son!” My dad said. He still wore his uniform. He probably got the cake while patrolling, and he would probably have to go back to patrolling after this.
“Eighteen years!” Mom said smiling, “I can’t believe I’m that old now!” She laughed a bit, “Ellen, wish your brother!”
Ellen came to me, giving a forced, loose hug and wishing me awkwardly and moving next to mom.
“You know the rules…. You get the big cake tomorrow… and the gifts too.” Mom said.
“Well…” Dad cut in, adding to this playful act they put up, “Maybe except this.”
My dad handed me a white, unmarked box.
“Open it!” He said with a grin.
A lamp. A lamp that gave off a blue light. Nice.
“Well it isn’t much, but like your mom said, you get the real gifts tomorrow. We have to keep it exciting you know…” My dad gave me a wink. “But…I figured you’d probably have more use of this thing tonight.”
I thanked all of them, and they eventually departed for the night.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was trying to get myself excited for tomorrow, but I felt nothing but emptiness. I felt like the best of my life had been over sometimes, and tonight was one of those times.
I flicked the light on, giving the room a blue tint, and creating a million shadows with the dim nightlight. And then turned it off, sending the room back into the darkness. It was better this way. The shadows formed strange shapes that I didn’t not want to see. Yet my thumb decided to flick the switch, creating an army of shadows in the room once more. And so, it went for a long while.
Tomorrow was Sunday, so I could stay up a bit later. My own room had begun to make me uncomfortable, so I decided to go downstairs and watch some T.V. Lamp in hand, I left the room.
I walked straight to the hall. The window tapped slightly as tiny snowflakes touched it on their way down, and yet, I could not bring myself to look that way. Like I said, the fear was one of the things I carried with me.
The bathroom lights were on, my mom was in there, her bedroom door was wide open. She sang a soft tune in the bathroom, and it just confirmed her presence in there. I would never forget that tune. It sounded like something old and gloomy. It provoked strange imagery in my mind, but only vague shapes that I couldn’t place. Coupled with the winter winds outside, it would form almost a haunting scenery.
The dark corner was still there, the light from the closed bathroom had not reached far enough. I was peeking at me, threating to show me horrid things in itself. Thankfully, I had the lamp in my hand for that. The light my mom and dad had given me, and I flicked it on, sending all terrible entities in the dark fleeing away and leaving behind an innocent corner.
I went down the stairs and to the living room, and watched 10 minutes of mindless television and my eyes began to get drowsy. Turning it off, I went back upstairs, readying myself for the sweet hold of a restful sleep.
I took the final step, looking down to flick the light on to scare the darkness in the corner away, and when I did, the blue light fell on the aged and wrinkled skin of a naked old woman.
I froze in fear. The light held still in my hands. The woman walked, straight past my parents’ bedroom, which was still wide open and in complete darkness, and to the bathroom.
I hear no singing from my mother, no sounds at all except the splashing of water. I stood there frozen. Blue light my only company, while that thing went inside with my mother.
The splashing grew intense, and yet, all I could do was stand still, my eyes wide open and my jaws clung tightly together. I was afraid. But, so afraid, I didn’t feel it. I became it. My body had forgotten it’s own self, and decided to accept whatever horrid end it awaited.
I pictured nothing. It was just the of splashing water to me, nothing more. But I knew there was something far more sinister at hand. I awaited my consciousness to leave, and go far away from me, and yet, it stayed with me, holding my head firmly and making me experience the dreadful reality.
The light of the corner eventually faded, and I remember watching my dad banging at the bathroom door, while my sister stood crying in the corner. My dad yelled too but they were distant, and faint to me. I was trapped within my own shell of fear.
My dad kicked the door down, and there we found her. She lay still in the bathtub, now just a sack of pruned meat and not the person I remember as mom. Just flesh and bones. Flesh….and bones…
And then I realised the irony of it, and it seemed morbidly funny and I let out a slight chuckle. My lips quivered, not knowing whether to laugh or to mourn. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I fell on the floor, my throat threatening to tear as I cycled between crying and laughing, and crying and laughing and then … just weeping.
Mom was dead. And it was my fault as well. I should’ve entered. I could’ve helped her. If it wasn’t for my stupid fucking fears.
I ate my birthday cake while my dad spoke to other officers who’d come during the morning hours. His eyes had been bloodshot read, and it seemed like he was done crying, yet, he sat, putting on a strong face.
My dad helped me dress up for the funeral, I was in shock since her passing, and I barely spoke or got anywhere on my own.
On our way, watching the snowy winter land that our hometown was now transformed to, I remembered the old lady. I hadn’t told anyone about that. How could I? It had been just a nightmare, right? And even if it wasn’t, was I to tell them that I let a ghost drown my mother in a bathtub, even though the cause had been as an accident?
I embraced myself, the funeral was going to be hard on me, but I had to face it.
After walking through the few early arrivals, my grandparents and some uncles (all from my father’s side), I stood next to my dad, but my sister wanted to have some time alone with mother, so dad let her go first, silently patting her on the shoulder.
I stood next to him, hearing him talk in whispers as I saw down to the ground. I looked at the entrance of the church, turning my head away from the grim atmosphere, and there, I saw the outline of a person, a woman. I tried to make out which aunt or neighbour she was, but then she just walked out in a hurry.
I chalked it up to an honest mistake, and began to turn back, just when I heard my sister scream. I froze up for a moment, but I decided to fight through this time, following after my dad and his elder brother as they ran into the room.
My uncle reached first, and I slowed my pace seeing she was okay, he knelt down to my sister and exchanging a few words, before she pointed to my mother’s casket. He stood up abruptly as he saw within and shielded my sister’s eyes as well.
My dad looked into it, and gasped, covering his mouth with his roughened hands, and turned away.
My stomach began to drop, as I got closer, expecting the worst. I looked within.
She was completely naked. The dark gown she was supposed to be clad in was gone. A large cut had been made in her back, and blood, it was clean and dry. Mom no longer even looked like mom. I came to a horrible realisation, as the contents of my stomach began to rise up to my throat.
All that was left of her, was flesh and blood.
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2020.10.19 20:42 Santiagodelmar Upon A Crimson Throne: Final
It’s strange how things can be so set in stone that struggling against them seems less than futile. And yet I and the world remain unchanged and alive. Yesterday I was so sure that all I knew would be erased that I lost the will to finish telling my story, confessing my sins. So now I’ll do just that, I’ll tell you everything that’s happened because if anything, you deserve to know.
On the night of October 18th, 2000, after a brief confrontation, Don split Bruce’s skull open with a wrench, stuffed his body into the trunk of his 1983 mustang, and drove us to the “Gates of Hell.” I hate to admit that my shock was short-lived, and when he asked me to help him dispose of the body, there wasn’t even a second of hesitation. We threw Bruce’s into the inky depths of hell. A pair of children tossing a coin into a well, wishing for the world. At the bottom of that well, in the depths of hell, our wish was heard, and the world fell into its hands, to gift to us and to keep for itself.
The moment Bruce’s body hit the cave floor, the ground beneath our feet shifted and split with violence I didn’t know was possible. With haste, Don got me into his car and sped away as the magnitude of the tremors grew in their intensity.
“Fuck it; we’re leaving right now! Maybe-”
He had been so preoccupied with the earth tearing itself apart that he didn’t notice the sky doing the same. The skies above splintered, cracked, and tore away from itself, revealing the black void that lay beyond sundered realities. In that timeless place, a monstrous eye blossomed into existence. It’s sheer size dwarfing all of Sunset, it’s sclera was stained a deep scarlet, and its golden iris were marked with unknown and elaborate runic symbols. Its pupil darted around wildly before settling its focus directly on Don and me. I could feel its malicious intent burning, scaring itself into my very being, a primordial, and insatiable hunger. It retreated into the void momentarily, and in that space of time, the earthquake subsided. Don floored the car, and the screeching of his car’s wheels tore through the night air as we finally escaped from dirt roads onto pavement. Don was taking sharp turns at incredible speeds and taking us farther away from the town.
The earth began to quake once more. The force threatened to send us flying off the road. I had a gut feeling that the earth and sky synchronized to some extent, so I looked back up at the sky. What I saw rendered mind and sanity, leaving only a deep, unyielding trauma. A colossal, grotesque hand was beginning to reach through the rift. I thought it would reach down and snatch us up to drag us into the dark dimension it originated from. The breath caught in my throat, and my heart hammered with such speed and force that I feared it would burst from my chest. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that the hand was not reaching for us but instead the town center behind us. That’s when the screaming began, the collective scream of a town roused from its slumber to see the heavens above ripped open. I saw the town shrinking as we drove further away, the hand was closing the gap between heaven and earth. We had reached the edge of the hills when it finally made landfall, and the shrieks reached a deafening crescendo, yet we didn’t stop driving, or think of turning back or calling for help. We neared the highway that barred us from escape in the past and flew past it. The second we crossed it, the screams, tremors, the nightmarish hand, even the road behind us, it all vanished. Where there once was a turn off that led you into the hillside and onto Sunset valley, now was grasslands, the hillside where Sunset should have been was nothing but thick forest.
We drove in silence; the longer we sat in it, the larger the gap between us grew. By the time the car was empty, and we pulled into a gas station, I knew that Don and I would never be the same. We stayed together for about 4 months after that, hopping from odd job to odd job, and city to city. I never heard anything about Sunset Valley, though it’s not like I ever asked. Don and I never talked about it, but the dreams never let us forget. One day, while Don was working, I just walked away, caught a bus, and left.
Despite it all, I somehow found a way to fall into the facade of stability. It all went by so quickly; every waking moment was a blur; my whole life fast-forwarding before my very eyes. When did I meet Rachael? When did I get married? A white dress, red roses, A child born, my daughter’s first words. When and how? I don’t know; it was all simultaneous to me. It was only in my dreams where it all was truly clear, lucid, real. When the realities between the waking and slumber bled into each other and became one, that’s when the trance I was in was finally dispelled. What now? How do I move forward when I spent the last 20 years on autopilot, distant and disconnected from reality. Maybe that’s the nature of trauma, locked in that perpetual state.
When I reunited with Don a few days ago, I thought I could never forgive him. In the dinner, where a smirk carved into his handsome face was enough to leave me in reminiscent awe, it was from my mind. On the drive to sunset, through countless miles spent on highways and I dreamt of our best moments, the grip of anger never loosened. And when we crested the once hidden hills of Sunset and gazed upon the corpse of our old home, and saw that it became the foundation of a flesh bound capital, I fell into crushing, soul-rending despair. Now that it’s all over, I’m glad I got to see him one last time; I hope that he found some solace in the end. I couldn’t have made this journey alone. I wish I could go back to that moment, atop the hills overlooking Sunset, looking down at the hell below. I would’ve let him know that he wouldn’t face this alone. Instead, we both descended into that town, no words or even an acknowledgment shared between us.
When we reached what was once Main street, we stood in awe at how it had changed. Storefronts and offices were now blanketed in pale flesh; the floor itself was one pulsating organic mass. The car stalled before we reached it, and were forced to walk on its grotesque surface. I cringed every time I felt blood vessels and organs squirm and burst under my weight. Don walked ahead; I struggled to keep up and called out, asking him to wait.
“For what? We’re out of time, Jack”.
“Take a look around!”
He paused and scouted the area, taking only a brief moment to acknowledge the gathering hoard of flesh constructs. The creatures gazed at us with curiosity but kept their distance. We walked past them and headed towards the woods, not wanting to see what our homes had been terraformed into.
We reached the edge of the woods; here the forest was mostly free of the flesh. The exception was a single path of scabbed over with diseased tissue. We decided not to walk on it and instead took an alternate route alongside it. We walked in silence, just like so many times before, and it was infuriating. Don would either withdraw into silence or explode into hostility when confronted with extreme stress, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it this time.
“Hey, slow down. I’m not gonna let keep getting away with ignoring me! Not after-”
“After what you’ve done.”
“I fucking knew it! You blame me for all this shit, you of all people,” Don said with a rising edge to his voice.
“Because it was your fault! You were the one who killed Bruce. It was your idea to dump him in that fucking hellhole. It was all you! All because of what?”
Don lunged at me; I tried moving out of the way, but his speed was incredible, and I couldn’t dodge in time. We both went down and tumbled down into a nearby ditch. Don pinned me down and got real close to my face. Anger, desperation, and anguish above all, shone in his eyes.
“Bruce was the one that came to me. He wanted someone to take the blame for Alice; he demanded that I confess to being the one that knocked her up, to clear his name. And if I didn’t, he’d tell everyone about us. I was scared-”
“Of what?! Of being exposed? I thought you, of all people, wouldn’t care about something like that. I thought you of all people had the strength to stand up to him.”
Don was taken aback by my words; as his grip loosened, and he retreated into that seldom seen timid persona, I broke free from his hold and I pushed my back into a corner, trying to create as much distance as possible. Don’s stern expression softened into one of sorrow; his voice was calm and melancholic as he spoke.
“You’re right; I didn’t and still don’t care what others think of me. I wasn’t scared about me; I was afraid of what could and would happen to you. Idiot, you still had one more year bound to that place. The thought of what could happen to you in that year, the thought of you being hurt, the thought of losing you, It terrified me.”
I stood in complete disbelief, unable to respond, and yet Don continued to dismantle the anger I once held for him with every word he spoke.
“You think of me as this remorseless monster, but you’re wrong. You think because I refused to spend years in a guilt-fueled haze that I don’t regret anything? I constantly feel the subtle self-destructive destructive urges clawing at the corners of my mind. But what good would it do if I buried myself in self-pity and gave into my worst habits? What would I gain? The only way for me to move forward is to cut away the past and take each step on my own accord. I’m a selfish fuck, I’ll admit it. I wanted it all with no compromise. I wanted you by my side to the very end, I wanted to defy every single person that looked down on me, and I wanted to break free from this place. It’s ironic, in the end, I still lost you; there was no one left to defy, and I can hardly call this freedom since I ended up back here anyways.”
Don sighed and continued.
“Do you know what my mom tried drilling into my head ever since I was a kid? She tried to raise me to ‘want nothing, take nothing, leave nothing. To live as if you were never even here.' It was the Moretti motto; no one liked us to begin, so why make it worse? If I had listened, maybe none of this would've happened, but living like that isn't living. I refuse to live for anyone but myself."
"That's not fair; you can't just absolve yourself of any wrong-doing with a few words. I won't drop this."
"Of course I can't; that was never the plan. I came here intending to put an end to all of this. If you won't believe me, then I'll show you.
"How? I don't understand what you're fucking saying."
"I’m saying I have a plan.”
"Bullshit, how could you plan for this?"
"I didn't spend all this time just sitting on my ass; I spent years figuring just what the fuck happened."
"So enlighten me, what the fuck happened."
Don explained how the nightly dreams that had haunted us both were the most significant clue. It was a hint left behind by otherworldly beings nonchalantly throwing out the regal title of their ruler, "She Who Sits Upon a Crimson Throne.” I had heard it many times, but never knew what it meant. Don searched thoroughly, through public documents, but it wasn’t until he joined a shady group interested in the occult that he found a lead. It led him to the "Grimoire of Madness," an ancient text outlining the many cults and practices of centuries past. It took years to get hold of a copy, did dirty work for a few private collectors, and that shady organization. A few hours with the book was his payment. He finally found what he was looking for in a section on a cult infamous for human sacrifice and blood rituals. The chief deity was called "Verith, King of the Malcontent Heart” and “He Who Hates.” Amongst his pantheon, the most esoteric of deities mentioned was referred to only by the title "Heiress to the Crimson Throne.”
"It has to be her! I looked for that version of her name and found so much more; what they've been calling her now is a recent name change."
"So it all lines up! I can piece together what happened and how she was brought here. This town's history and its mysteries were hard to find but not impossible; files and records always exist somewhere. I had to pull a lot of strings and do a lot of favors with bad people to get the dirt on this town."
“What did you find?
"In the mid-60s, a small group of hippies gathered in these woods here and formed an inter-faith community. The locals were upset but couldn't do much due to the lack of a police force. So for years, these hippies lived out there and got into some bizarre, occultic shit, and they just kept spiraling into the more fucked up territory. It was the Manson murders that finally pushed them over the edge, and in the early seventies, they started worshiping a collection of deities they referred to as ‘The Court of Crimson Throne.’ Chief amongst them was this ‘Crimson Heiress.’ They got it into their heads that she was a wish granter, and with the right offerings, they could wish for her to start some kind of revolution, typical hippie bullshit. But local wildlife, and a few pets weren’t going to get her attention. The Grimoire states explicitly that only the sacrifice of the most revered person in the vicinity is enough to summon her. The town was smaller then, and no one was noteworthy.”
I stood in stunned silence; it all fit. Though public opinion about Bruce was starting to wane, he was still the most respected and influential person in town. Who would’ve thought two stupid teenagers would, by accident, be the ones to complete apocalyptic rites set into motion decades prior. We couldn’t have seen it coming; no one could; the realization began to unravel the anger that had bound me for so long.
“So, what now? Is there anything we can even do?” I asked.
“In the grimoire, she’s stated to be a lesser deity, because for ‘her’ to fully occupy our world she has to anchor herself to a physical body and declare herself ruler through some elaborate coronation ritual. Until then, she’s only partially connected to our world, linked by something that entered our world the moment the rift was opened. Since humanity hasn’t been enslaved yet, I believe she hasn’t taken a body, or at least it’s not complete. Leaving only one link binding her here, if we can find it and destroy it…”
“You really think that would work? It can’t be that easy; nothing ever is. We could search this whole town and still not find shit.”
“It more than likely will be in that cave, in her throne room. It’s something foreign to our world; when we see it, we’ll know.”
“Even if we do find it, what then? I don’t see how you plan on destroying an artifact like that.
Don patted the backpack he was carrying.
“This baby is loaded with a dozen grenades and a few incendiaries, oh, and I still have this baby.”
Don waved around a revolver; I recognized it as his father’s old Smith and Wesson model 27, the steel glinting faintly in the filtered sunlight.
I couldn’t help but laugh at his plan, typical Don. Dedicated years of his life to this cause, and that’s the best he could come up with.
“And if that fails? What then?” I asked
“I do have one final contingency, but I’d rather not resort to using it. It took me years to get hold of the sonuvabitch, so I’d rather hold on to it. But if the need arises… well, I’ll just leave it in your hands.”
I mulled over my options and realized I had none; it was far too late to turn back. It was either go down without a fight or die throwing a literal hail mary. I owed it to family, my friends, and myself to at least try. I turned to Don and said, “fuck it,” before I could run ahead, Don grabbed my shoulder and pulled me aside
“What’s… what’s her name?”
I could’ve played dumb, feigned not knowing who I was talking about; in all honesty, he probably already knew her name. But I owed it to him to hear it from my lips.
“Do you love her?”
“At some point and time, I did. But you know how things are…”
“People drift apart…”
“Yeah, and things…”
“Are never the same.”
He pondered for a moment before he asked his next question.
“Who are you here for?”
“Her name is Sophie; she turned six a little while ago. She’s got my eyes, you know, my eyes and my nose. Do you want to see a picture of her?”
“Save it for when this is over,” he said with a small laugh.
“And who are you here for?”
He was quiet for a moment before answering.
I didn’t know how to respond; maybe there was no adequate response; all I could do was give him a reassuring pat on his shoulder as we walked forward towards the gates of hell.
The cave entrance was decorated in flesh blossoms, stained a variety of hues. Bruised violets, gangrene rosettes, blackened buds. A menagerie of the fantastically fucked up, a grotesque garden in full bloom in the courtyard of hell.
“I can’t fucking believe we have to go through satan’s asshole to get to this bitch” Don suddenly quipped
“Don, this isn’t the time.”
I said it in a tone as serious as I could muster; I struggled to keep a straight face, and Don noticed and let out a half-laugh. Even I had to admit that the orifice that lay before us was hysterically insane. Still, it was impossible to fully settle into hysterics knowing what it led to. The once sheer drop was now sloped and had smooth pink flesh encasing its entirety. Don was the first one to step in, visibly cringing when he lifted his foot to see that the bottom of it was covered in a viscous, clear fluid. He shone his flashlight light around and revealed that the cave went on for a considerable length. I stepped in to follow him and the moment we both entered, the groves and flaps of flesh dotting the walls of the entrail/cave system stirred and opened. Eyes, Dozens of eyes of all shapes and sizes focused their gaze upon us. Some were tiny black dots while others were as large as my torso, irises bright with livid incandescence. Pupils were bent and warped into alien shapes, hateful polygonal forms with sharp angles that hinted at the pain they so desperately wanted to inflict. I knew they belonged to her, The Crimson Heiress. The deeper we went, the lighter the tissue became, shifting from red to pale pink. The passage widened into a larger chamber; at the end was a massive bulbous appendage was mounted to the wall, a small fist-sized opening in the middle. The realization that it was meant to resemble a cervix made me seriously ponder the nature of this structure.
I went fist first into the fleshy mass. The opening dilating to make room for my passing. When I finally burst through to the other side, I made sure to swing around to face the pseudo-cervix. When Don’s hand reached through, I took hold of it and pulled him through. When he finally looked up he let out a barely audible sound. He gripped my hand with such strength that it ached, and I squeezed back as I steeled myself to turn around. At the moment I saw, the second my mind processed the sight before me. I knew it was my greatest mistake.
Even in my darkest of dreams, nothing came close to this level of depravity. A mass of wriggling flesh made up of hundreds of human bodies, naked and fused into what could have only been her throne. I knew them, I saw the unmistakable expression of recognition cross their faces when they saw us. At the very base, acting as a trunk of sorts was the contorted body of Bruce, a smooth black sphere buried deep into the center of his chest. His eyes darted back and forth between Don and I. I looked away; I couldn’t bear it; they had all been alive, conscious and, in unimaginable torment for the last 20 years. It was a blessing that I didn’t see the faces of my parents. I hoped Don was given the same mercy as I collapsed into his chest, and he fell to his knees.
“Rise,” said a familiar voice.
That blue cloaked bishop levitated above us along with three other cloaked figures of varying colors, Red, Yellow, Purple, the rest of the bishops.
“Stand and face your queen; she has long awaited your arrival. For the arrival of the Crimson Princes, Future Heirs to The Crimson Throne.”
As if possessed, we turned to face the throne once more. My mind reeled and struggled to fight against looking at that wretched thing once more, but my body refused to comply. A massive form now sat on the throne, mercifully obscuring the majority of it. it possessed a body that was a bastardization of the female form. Arms and legs devoid of flesh, revealing muscle and blood vessels. A massive pelvis consisted only of bone and two prominent, flayed breasts. Her head was severely misshapen, From her shoulder blades, thick bundles of nerve fibers extended out and linked her to the base of the throne, directly to the smooth black sphere at the center of Bruce's chest. The most striking features were her eyes, scarlet, burning, marked with familiar eldritch runes. It was those very eyes that peered from the fractured realities, through the heavens above Sunset and onto us. Those insatiable eyes that hungered for conquest, for dominion, for corruption and the vilification of all she set her hateful gaze upon. And so she spoke.
“Birthed from the womb of cosmic entropy, conceived from stray postulations of the 2nd born ‘He who hates,’ I arose from amniotic fluid of a billion sundered realities and fed upon the world that lay before me. Uncountable civilizations fell under my ceaseless conquest. I was to feast upon it all, to devour the whole of existence. Until ‘The Hateful God’ had me imprisoned within the infinite labyrinthian recess that ran concurrent to all that is and is not. But you, lost children of creations long forgotten, have given invitation, no, demanded that I take my rightful place upon a throne stained crimson with the blood of all that has and will exist. And you, lost children, have been rewarded, a place amongst my court as princes, heirs to the sanguine empires, deification within my pantheon, and your innermost mortal desires fulfilled. So look upon this palace of viscera, and know that it is my fetid womb and the genesis of a new era. Take pride in knowing that you will be part of its legacy.”
Her voice should have been one that could shatter mind and poison flesh; it should have been the voice of a dictator hardened to steel or of a being that could not and should not be comprehended. Instead, it was tender, matronly almost comforting. That was the terrifying part; with that voice, she had commanded genocides on an unprecedented scale. I wanted to run away, bury myself in that misery that hung over my life for so long and sink into apathy, but I owed it to everyone that suffered because of me to at least attempt redemption.
“Why did you do this to all my friends? We didn’t wish for this, so why subject them to something so cruel?”
“Your’s were not the only ones granted; the third prince, the catalyst for my arrival too, had his wishes granted. See, this lost child feared that which he could not comprehend, that which strayed from the standards set by his forefathers. So he dedicated himself to enforcing the order that defined his existence, for to have it challenged and defiled would be to have his very being torn asunder. So I made him the center of this place’s existence, the pillar that binds our planes and the future overseer of this corner of reality.”
“What kind of fucked up monkey's paw shit is that? And what about us? You can’t call the last 20 years a wish granted,” Don yelled.
She twisted her lips into a smile, her eyes focused on me for a mere moment before her hand lunged out at dizzying speeds and took hold of me. I was flung violently into the air, I felt my limbs flail about before something caught me. The sudden stop caused my head to whiplash, and the stinging in my skull made it apparent that I had suffered a concussion. I saw that a giant flesh tendril had formed from the ceiling and grabbed me before I collided into it. I could hear Don’s panicked voice pleading with the crimson heiress.
“Wait! Stop, why did you-”
“To get a rise out of you.”
“Just let him go; you can take me instead.”
“Lost children shouldn’t bargain with their mothers; your demands have already been met, and yet you beg for more. Unruly child, I should punish you, unruly child you know not the meaning of agony, unruly child, how should you be disciplined?”
“I promise never to challenge or disobey you; I am grateful for what I’ve been given and will ask for no more,” Don replied.
The Crimson Heiress’s smile softened and the tendril coiled around me loosened enough for me to fall through its grip and be caught by Her. She then bent down and placed me back down on the soft fleshy floor. Don was at my side, helping me up; he mouthed a silent apology as I leaned against his shoulder.
“You are to refer to me as ‘The Mother Of Lost Dreamers, Daelteph,’ That is the name I have chosen to take upon my coronation.”
She gestured with her hand, and the whole throne room blossomed into complex and intricate regal displays. Columns, halls, pews, tables, and pseudo-floral centerpieces formed instantaneously, carved of flesh. Wisps of colorful smoke, rolled in and materialized as the four bishops. They carried a massive circlet, jagged antlers spilling out from all around it. At its points, the calcified remains of some creatures were impaled, their faces locked into an eternal scream. Most of them were unrecognizable as beings from this realm except for the human one at its center, trophies from previously conquered worlds. The bishops floated towards Daelteph, intent on placing the crown upon her head. I knew when that happened; it would be the end for us all. I took hold of Don’s, squeezed it, a gesture he returned; we knew that it was now never.
Don slipped a small object into my pocket, took off his backpack, pulled out a single pin, and flung towards the base of the crimson throne. He let out a casual, almost comedic, “hey” as the pack soared towards Bruce. Daeltepth turned her head at the sound, the way she was positioned made it impossible to intercept the explosives, or so I thought. She let out an incredibly fast kick and caught the pack with the edge of her heel. As soon as she made contact with it detonated. The explosion sent a deafening shock wave throughout the throne room, followed by a series of smaller staccato-like explosions and bright flashes. When they ceased, I could see that most of her right foot was obliterated, and the incendiaries had caused her calf to catch on fire. She turned fully to face us, her face was twisted into an expression of pure rage. Don gave me a quick knowing glance, his eyes telling me, “it’s up to you now.”
He turned to run, and maybe he could have outrun the now seriously impeded Heiress, but before he could even take the first step, three tendrils burst from the floor and lashed out at Don; he dodged all 3 of them with ease rolling out of their grasp. As soon as he landed on his feet 3 more tendrils burst underfoot; Don must have spent the last two decades honing his reflexes because his reaction time was inhuman, dodging and weaving out of the way at incredible speeds. However, he was beginning to be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. I was shocked by how long it took for one to catch him at an angle who couldn’t recover from and pin him down.
Daelteph, having extinguished the fire during the confrontation, got down on her three remaining limbs and charged forward. As she passed me, she struck me with the sole of her foot, sending me flying backward. I landed near the base of the throne; the wind knocked out of me. My entire body ached, but most of all, my diaphragm burned with an intense pain every time I breathed. My only thoughts were Don; I had to help him. I saw that Daelteph now held him in her left hand, A stream of incompressible obscenities spewing from her lips. The floor in front of her split open. I saw hundreds of tendrils form inside the chasm, at the end of each, a different instrument of torture was attached, prongs, drills made of bone, fine needles, mouths with jagged teeth, cleavers, and uncountable others. She held Don over the pit, lowering him slowly into it. The longest of the tendrils, one with a bone sickle, lashed out and slashed at the base of his ankle and made a shallow cut that drew blood. A few drops of blood fell into the crevice, driving the rest of the twisting mass into an even greater fervor.
Panic and adrenaline surged through me, masking the pain with the need to act. With a sudden recollection, I dug into my pocket and pulled out a small dagger, Don’s contingency plan. It was sheathed in a scabbard made from a material I had never seen before; it felt almost gritty, It was pure black, so dark that it visibly darkened the area around it. I unsheathed it, and the dagger itself was even more mysterious. It was made of a metallic material, silver in color, and seemed to be incredibly reflective; a halo of multi-hued light shone off it. It was tiny, only 2 inches from pommel to tip, but incredibly elaborate engravings covered its entirety. The strangest part was that it seemingly ionized the very air around it; merely holding it unsheathed sent waves of volatile energy throughout my body. This couldn’t have been created in our reality, it was far too alien, but if anything could shatter the seal that bound Daelteph to this reality, it would be this.
I knew where it was; she said it herself, the pillar that chained our worlds together. I sprinted to the very base of the throne. I averted looking at Bruce’s face, looking at anybody in that writhing mass, even as the screams and moans intensified. I tried raising the blade but found my body refusing to comply; a cold chill ran up my spine at that moment. That paralytic fear returned; I was frozen in place, terrified thoughts forcing themselves into my mind.
“What if it didn’t work? What torment would Daelteph subject me to for my betrayal? Should I just do nothing and give in? Maybe my family would be spared; maybe I would be rewarded.”
I felt shame for even pondering those things; I had spent so much of my life locked in passive fear and bouts of apathy. But I had also fought against the vices that would have plagued so many in my state. And my mind was still intact; yes I had suffered long periods of dissociation, but in my dreams, my mind was also hardened, that was evident by the fact that was still sane. How many others would’ve had their minds broken apart from what I’ve seen here, from what I’ve been through? That was my hidden strength; I could resist that paralytic, insanity-inducing fear. My whole life, I had fought to break free from the forces that sought to control me. This wasn’t any different; this was the chance to finally cast off the chains that had bound me into that pathetic state for so long, fear, trauma, regret, all of it. I refused to fall into the trance they had held me under for so long. I know now that everything that has ever happened was building to this very moment; this was my life’s crescendo.
I drew the blade and positioned myself so my face was level with the small black sphere in the center of Bruce’s chest; it looked as intangible and imperceivable as a black hole. I raised the blade, and with the greatest resolve I had ever felt, tried to drive it into the center of the sphere. But the object repelled each other, as if the existence of these two contradicted each other to such a degree that some innate universal force drove them apart. As soon as the blade was deflected away, Daelteph twisted her head to face me and let out a world shuddering roar. The Bishops that had been on standby still holding the crown dematerialized into smoke, and rushed towards me. I recentered the blade and tried once again plunging it into the seal, I was met with a torrential current of energy repelling the blade away. But I held firm; with both arms keeping the blade in place, I pushed forward inch by inch, slicing through that universal force that fought with all its might to keep the two separate. I pushed forward until the blade was less than a millimeter from the sphere. At the moment, a flesh tendril formed behind me, the edge calcifying into a bone spear, the bishops materialized above me simultaneously, each brandishing a bronze pike. As all 5 of the pointed weapons were thrust down towards me, I used the last of my strength to throw the entirety of my body into one final push. I was nano-seconds away from being torn apart when the blade finally made contact with the seal, and both shattered instantaneously; the emanation of energy that was released must’ve shaken the very foundations of our reality.
The throne immediately calcified into the ivory bone and the calcification rapidly spread out throughout the throne room, petrifying the bishops and the tendril in place, locking them into an eternal state of assault. Another scream ripped out from Daelteph, and I turned to see that she had dropped Don onto the still fleshy floor, narrowly avoiding the tendril filled crevice. The tendrils themselves had ceased their flailing and instead spasmed meekly as they fell to the rabid calcification. I could see that the Daeltephs body itself was beginning to turn to bone, but she was fighting it every step of the way. Her foot and foot stump had already fused to the ground, and the calcification was spreading up her thighs; she was no longer mobile and instead had drawn her hands to her face in clear distress.
Though I was in excruciating pain I still ran to Don’s side.
“We did it; we really fucking did it.”
He let out a small pained laugh, I could feel the tears beginning to form, but I pushed them back and instead rested some of my weight on his shoulder. I turned to face the throne, the faces of the people I knew and loved still fused into each other; they looked like marble busts, their expressions showing that in their final moments of life, they felt relief, an emotion I shared. I was snapped back into reality by the horse, ear-splitting shriek of Daelteph; she hadn’t calcified yet; the petrifaction had progressed up to her pelvis and was starting to spread to the base of her spine. She delivered a series of powerful blows to her spine in an attempt to sever it, all while screaming.
“I won’t allow it; I spent an eternity locked away in that boundless place, to escape its hold only to be banished by motherless children! It was your hearts that called out to me; it was the dreams of the lost, the castaways, the bohemians; I answered your call! Is this not what you yearned for!? I will not leave this place; I will not return that prison, to be ground under my father’s heel! My dream of escape will not end here!”
Daelteph finally succeeded in detaching herself from her lower body and now stood on both her hands. Don and I set off towards the pseudo cervix that acted as an entrance. It was ivory white and fully dilated, the opening now wide enough for us to dive through, Don going first, spearing through it in an almost graceful, dolphin-esque manner. I was right behind, clumsily rolling through, but I was on my feet in an instant, the both of us ran the cave entrance. I had hoped the bone cervix would at least slow down Daelteph, but she tore through it like tissue paper and was right behind us. My body had reached its breaking point a while ago, and now it was starting to fail on me, I wouldn’t hold out much longer. Daelteph had closed the gap considerably and was now at our heels. If we could at least make it into the woods, we could split up, and one of us could survive.
I could finally see the cave entrance up ahead, pale moonlight shining down and reflecting off the ivory bone, we ran towards the ever-expanding ring of moonlight, Daelteph almost directly behind us; as we came upon the exit, we leaped out with the last vestige of our strength in hopes of creating as much distance as possible. Daelteph had the same idea; using her arms, she lunged out of the cave and landed on the ground in front of us, the impact displacing dirt and grass. I collapsed onto the ground, completely fatigued and no longer able to move. Don was at my side trying to get me on his back to no avail, I yelled at him to run that only one of us had to die here, but he refused to budge. Her massive hand was upon us, her fingers curling around our bodies and closed my eyes, hoping that death would come quickly.
I stayed in that still darkness, heart hammered in my chest, each beat sending a dull ache throughout my body, my lungs and ribs burned with scorching agony every time I took a breath; at that moment, I was ready for death to still my pain. It never came; I slowly opened my eyes to see that the fingers and palms of Daeltephs hands had turned white, pale bone reflecting the light of the moon, set on the backdrop of a clear cloudless sky, the scars that once raked across its facets finally gone. The petrifaction spread quickly up Daelteph’s neck and, a sinister smile spread across her face as she spoke.
“I see now, you are no mere lost children, nor are you lost dreamers; you knew from the very beginning what your heart yearned for. What a grandiose dream it was, but alas, all dreams must come to an end, and so too must its inhabitants. I enjoyed my fleeting time here, but if I must return to my reality, I will do so with poise. However, know that every single longing thought and fleeting dream makes its way to me. As long as there are lost dreamers pining for what lies beyond their reach, there will always be a door from which I can enter. Farewell, little dreamers, heirs to my throne, princes of the endless dreamscapes. Await my return.”
And with that, she completely solidified; her body stood as a monument to the havoc she reeked in so little time. Don and I just lay there on the forest floor, looking past the tree canopy at the sea of brilliant stars that stretched on infinitely; they had never looked so beautiful in my life. And so we lay there, in comfortable silence, letting our minds and bodies rest.
I awoke to the first rays of dawn, I sat up to see that don had his back to me; he was facing towards Sunset. Still sore I walked towards him, and he turned to face me and gestured towards the town ahead. all of Sunset had been calcified; what remained was the ivory capital of an empire that never was. I know that the sight should have filled my heart with melancholy, but instead, a profound relief put me at ease. Now that ghosts that have long haunted Sunset have finally been laid to rest, I have nothing left to grieve for.
I took a picture of Sophie out of my wallet and placed it into Don’s hand; he studied it for a moment and let out a hearty laugh.
“Damn, she really is the spitting image of you.”
“Maybe you can meet her sometime.”
“Maybe,” he said vaguely.
“We’ll meet again, won’t we?”
“Of course we will; it’s the way things are; we’re bound no matter how you look at it. First, I have some stuff to take care of old obligations. I’m not sure how long it will take, but when I'm through, I’ll stop by to check up on you, meet the missus and Sophie. Just wait for me ok.”
“You know I will, I always do.”
Don insisted that I leave him there, that I make the journey home alone, that I needed the time to mull over all that’s happened. I believe that it was because his journey wasn’t over yet, that he didn’t have a home to return to. It was a journey he’d have to finish on without me, but I’m glad I was there for a small part of it, that he was here to help me reach the end of mine. I don’t know where I’ll go from here, but I know that the paths I’ve walked and the dreams I’ve chased all led me to this end. I can only wonder what awaits me in my dreams.
submitted by Santiagodelmar to nosleep [link] [comments]
2020.10.19 14:25 Ok-Level-1548 Naked moms home
Ever since I was a little girl who tried masterbation for the first time, I always felt nothing down there. Flash forward to my teen years and loosing my virginity and actively engaging in sex, I still felt nothing. Just no sensation at all. The idea of sex always turned me on, but when it came down to the actual act itself, it’s like my mind wasn’t sending signals to my vagina to “turn” it on.
Let’s start from the beginning. I did not have a good childhood. My mom was physically and extremely verbally abusive. I was pretty much bullied by her and my little sister the entire time I lived at home. My mother always slut-shamed me before I even had sex. Always making sure I threw away “revealing” clothes, which now that I’m remembering weren’t revealing at all. My sister was allowed to wear revealing clothes and my mom never said anything. I was never allowed to wear makeup (my sister was.) I was never allowed to date in high school. At 17, my mother told me that if she found out I was having sex, that she would kick me out and I can go live with whoever I was fucking. I was never allowed to go to sleepovers because she was afraid that an adult or parent would molest me. Mind you, my little sister went to all the sleepovers she wanted. I was never allowed to go to parties. My sister was. She wasn’t religious AT ALL, just seemed to have a huge issue with sexuality. I remember coming home from “Wacky Tacky Day,” at school and she looked me up and down and said I looked like a hoe. I was only 13. She NEVER talked about sex. I had to find out a little too late in life what sex actually was and everything that came with it. When my mom finally did give us the bird and the bees, she made it seem like sex was just about reproduction. She told me absolutely nothing about it being pleasurable. For the longest time I didn’t even know women are supposed to orgasm during sex. When my senior prom came, I wasn’t even allowed to have a simple prom date. She was overly controlling with my life, even after the age of 18. Every time she spoke about sex, she spoke about it with disgust. Anytime my mother noticed me slowly gaining confidence within myself, she was always quick to shut it down; my sister always ad-libbing for her. I grew up with such low self esteem. I remember being only 5 years old and thinking I looked so ugly. My mother never told me I was beautiful, she never really had anything uplifting or encouraging to say about me. Just constant criticism. I remember being 18 and I posted a bikini picture to my social media to which she instantly freaked out about, saying why did I feel the need to “show off.”
Another time when I was around the age of puberty (13-14 for me) I asked if I could start shaving my legs and start shaving my private parts because the growing hair made me uncomfortable and itchy. She instantly got angry saying “Why do you need to shave? Who are you trying to show off for? Who is gonna see it anyway?” After I would take a shower, she made me stand naked in front of her so she could inspect and make sure that I didn’t shave my lady parts. Can you imagine how embarrassing that is? Mind you, my little sister shaved her parts all the time. Whenever my door was closed, her first thought was that I MUST be taking naked pictures of myself and she would always barge in my room. I never had privacy. I grew up having a negative view of sex and a negative view of myself.
So let’s flash forward to when I lost my virginity. The person I lost it too was an asshole who didn’t even try to make my first time special for me. I was pressured into it, and I didn’t feel secure or emotionally safe with the guy. He was a narcissistic and made everything about him. Soon, sex to me was only about HIS pleasure. He always compared me to other women and said how he’s had better. As a teenager this made me want to change that. Sex to me started to only be about his pleasure. I was always thinking how can I please him, how can I make sure I’m the best he’s ever had? I completely neglected my own pleasure. Eventually I started to except that I just don’t feel pleasure or anything down there. That I have a numb vagina.
Fast forward to my early twenties (current). Having a numb vagina was starting to affect me. I went to doctors, gynecologists who all said nothing was physically wrong with me. I had an MRI scan, thinking maybe it was neurological. All tests came back negative. I tried different pills which claim to make you more sensitive down there. I tried this cream prescribed to me called “Scream Cream.” I tried yoga for years, yoni eggs, meditation, everything I knew. My doctor told me that there is a disconnect with my brain and body, and that chances are I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. This was devastating to hear but I refuse to believe it. I should be able to feel pleasure just like any other girl, but nothing works for me.
I’ve decided that when I can afford it, I want to get therapy. Clearly nothing is wrong with my physically, so it has to be mental right?
Can anyone give me some advice? Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? I’ve never had an orgasm or even felt the slightest pleasure down there.
submitted by Ok-Level-1548 to sexualhealth [link] [comments]
2020.10.19 11:00 W4wa I want to go no contact with my father but I'm torn...
So... May be long sorry, I need to get things of my chest u_u
I (34F) have always felt like an alien in my own family (my father, mom, and sister (32)). I grew feeling like I was the broken one, that couldn't function properly because of something that I couldn't pinpoint, and I couldn't repair. I'm just starting to realize that the problem might not be me being broken but my parents being abusive/narcissist/manipulative (well mostly my father, and my mother by letting him act, even if I think that she was just her first victim and is now too deep into it to really notice or react)
I've got lots of stories about my father. Like the fact you never can win an argument with him. He calls this "debate" and it mostly consist of him telling his truth (and he can't be wrong because he is very smart, he read it not so long ago and he keeps himself informed of the newest technology innovations). You could proove him he was wrong, with clear evidences, he would not admit it, and told me many times that it wasn't about who was right, but who could win the debate by having the last word. I stopped engaging with him in this debates (I knew I was right and he would not admit it so...) My sister was always on his side, growing up to be a mini him.
I feel like he isn't satisfied with how my life turned out. I left home as soon as I could (I'm bi-national and grew up in my father's country, I left for my mom's country for my studies). But my first job ended with revealing my depression and it hit full force. My father made me come back home (they had moved at this point to my city in my mom's country) because I couldn't be trusted with reasonable decisions (and I believed him at the time). He made me study again (he and my mom are engineers, and my "studies level" was too low for their taste). I did, found another job and left again.
My life far from them was nice. I had minimum contact (like phone call every two weeks and I would visit them 3 times a year for 3/4 days). Every contact made me super anxious, and sometimes on the verge of a panic attack. My first boyfriend didn't like my parents, and when I saw how his family was functionning I realized that there were things obviously wrong with mine. Like seriously wrong. I talked to my mom and sister about it, but they just saw it as strict parenting.
[warning, may trigger]I understand that physical punishment wasn't as taboo when I was young as it is now, but I clearly remember my father make us undress totally (like totally naked) before hiting us with a belt. It wasn't systematic, but it happend enough times for me to remember it clearly. For my sister I'm just too emotional/sensitive.[end warning]
My mom always ask me to forgive my father, because he is like this etc. I can't (yet ?) forgive him, and there is now a huge break in my family : me on one side, and father, mom and sister on the other side.
Our last encounter (my parents came to visit) was chaotic. My father accused my boyfriend of trying to cut me from my family (he just didn't want to see my judgemental parents and went out for the day with his best friend). He refused to have a talk with my boyfriend over the phone, and I couldn't voice any opinion (I just had a long talk with my sister and mother, where I told them I would try to voice my feelings to my father, and they said they would help me). My sister was looking away, my mother said her back hurt and was walking during the conversation. I felt alone, with my father tearing into me and me being unable to voice myself. So I just let him unwind, they left shortly after.
Since this encounter, my mother texted me a few times (I answered). I'm serioulsy considering going no contact with my father, but I'm torn. I know that I can't continue and endure his abuse but I don't want to regret anything. Having a talk with him maybe the solution, but it makes me anxious, and if I can't tell what I feel it will just be a huge deception. And going no contact with my father would be going no contact with my mom (I couldn't maintain contact with here when she let all happen and made me understand last time that she clearly was on his side, and would not support me) and sister. I feel like I would be punishing them, and maybe I'm really not normal ? I don't know, and it's a huge step...
submitted by W4wa to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
2020.10.19 07:22 humansnaill Naked moms home
I've suffered abuse throughout my whole life from multiple individuals. I don't even know how or where to start to heal. So I'm going to briefly write about each experience to see if it helps. To help you understand better, I come from a very traditional Asian family. No signs of affection are allowed and girls are second class citizens. My blood cousin abused me as a child. He would wait for me to nap and then he'd sneak in when no one was around and bite me to wake me up. I remember waking up crying and he'd still be biting down on me down there. It was always in my private area. My parents didn't address it with his parents or even tell him to stop. They just told me I couldn't nap when my cousins were around anymore. We moved in with my dad's mentor. He is 10+ years older than my dad. When my dad went to work during the day, his mentor would take me to bed to "nap" with him. He'd abuse me and I forced myself to fall asleep during so I could escape it. I didn't tell anyone cause he told me it was normal. I didn't feel like it was wrong cause he was my dad's mentor. My older sister would tell me "bed time stories" but they were all about incest and very sexual. She made me come listen to them late at night. She had me go in her closet and play house with me. She'd get on top of me, naked, and dry hump and kiss me. She'd always be very sexual at night, but during the daytime, she was completely opposite. Always belittled me and ignored me. This carried on into my preteen years. She'd masturbate, legs wide open in front of me in the bedroom. I feel shame for watching. It wasn't even out of pleasure, I just watched out of curiosity to see what she'd do next. We started going to my dad's mentor church. His mentor was a pastor there. He'd always come to hug me and his hands always "slipped" and he'd grab me in public. I wasn't even a developed girl, I was flat and bony, and no one said it was wrong cause he did it to all the girls there too. So I didn't think it was wrong. I was 14. My mom's sister moved closer to us. I finally met my other blood cousins. My aunt tried to hook me and her oldest son up because she really liked me. I was flattered by her but I didn't like him. He was 17 almost 18 and he was still in the 10th grade. I was a dumb kid. My mom told me to date him. So when he asked me out, I said yes, even though I didn't like him. He'd wait for our siblings to go play outside and then he would start to hump me and he would bite my boobs. I was still flat chested so he said he was biting them to make them grow into watermelons. I didn't know what to do. So I wrote it in my diary. My older sister read it to my mom. My mom slapped me and called me "damaged goods" for letting a man touch me before marriage. She called me an animal and that I'm no longer her daughter. I told her that she told me to date him. She replied "it was a test, you should've said no to him." I was 16, It was puppy love. I thought we were going on a date, the car wrecked, we went to the hospital. My parents said this was God punishing me for disobeying them and dating outside my race. So they didn't come for me. I ended up going back to his place. The next morning, he raped me. My parents had a police officer come get me from his house cause I was considered a "runaway". They refused to look at me when they came to get me. Told me that they were sending me away to live with my older sister and her husband because I was too out of control. I went to go live with my older sister, she and her husband made jokes out of sex that were disgusting and not funny that I finally told her that I was raped. I was crying and they were both just sitting there. My sister's husband waited for her to go to work. He'd try and come on to me. Told me I was the less lazy, young version of my sister. That I was a better fit for him than she was. He told me he was gonna take me to his secret fishing spot. I was scared so I told her he was scaring me. It's almost like she knew already without me telling her the details. They almost got a divorce, got his family involved. They told me not to tell my parents or anyone because I needed to protect my sister and her husband reputation. I told myself "that's true, I'm glad it happened to me so I could protect my family this way." Later, he tried again. Started to break into my room while I was asleep. Would leave the door open just to get in my head. Became a peeping tom. My sister resented me, she got pregnant, I was afraid to tell her. So I told his sister. They confronted him and he went and told my sister I was lying to try and break up their marriage. She lost the baby and everyone ended up hating me. So I was sent back to live with my parents. My parents had no idea what was going on. I was 19, I finally told my mom that I had been touched as a kid by my dad's mentor. She didn't even comfort me. All she told me was, I couldn't tell my dad cause it would cause him to stumble in his faith and since my dad is a pastor, she couldn't allow that to happen. I was 22, my parents set me up to marry a 19 year old guy. They said I would do good with him since he has a rich family. I was married to him for two weeks and he started abusing me. He beat me if he was failing in class. He beat me if I went to shower without telling him. He beat me if I went to sleep without him. I was 24. I had divorced my ex husband a year ago and was starting to date again. My boyfriend was very kind. But he wanted to have sex all the time. He eventually started to rape me. I'd wake up to him inside of me. Or he'd force himself on me and he'd only stop if I started to cry. We broke up and got back together multiple times. He hasn't raped me in years. Doesn't touch me unless I want him to. We are engaged now.
I don't know what to do with my life. No one in my life knows what's happened to me in it's entirety. I wish I could just forget this stuff ever happened to me. I can't ever finish anything I start. I had a business before this pandemic hit and it was going down the drain. I'm grateful for quarantine cause it's helped me to stay home and not have to please anyone anymore. But I don't know what to do with all of this garbage in my life. This was a very long read, so thank you for getting this far. I hate my life. But I love my dog and my baby sister. They are the only ones in my life I truly love and want to protect.
submitted by humansnaill to adultsurvivors [link] [comments]