Time between relationships is not necessary for psychological well-being. People need connection, and moving on can help you get over what has to be left behind. 1 Spielmann, S., Macdonald, G ... The fact is, that many relationships should end. That is especially true when both partners have done all they can, aren't even sure why things went wrong, and are weary of trying. My story, I’m a betrayed spouse. I’ve worked my ass off putting my life back together. My husband has too. It’s been a painful process probably the most painful loss I’ve ever had. I’ve never lost a child, but I can safely say this is the worst experience to date. I had been working toward; clearing old patterns in order to live ‘in the now’ without being hijacked by my ego, my instant response or thinking patterns. Today tested my mettle. After being left out – I had all the physical responses/feelings that drove me to self-medication take me over. “The application itself was eight pages long,” she told NBC. “It asked some normal questions, like my background owning a pet. It also asked about any medical conditions we had, whether we ... Starting my own business, becoming an author, and fulfilling my professional potential have been extraordinarily rewarding. I'm 42 now, and I've quietly moved on. Becoming a mother at this point ... This is one of the most hurtfull things I've been through. Can't sleep or eat. It's just sickening. Dyeshia Sampson on March 19, 2017: I was steady with Kayode Akinlade since December 7,2016. He promised me the world and more the first week. As time went on I grew into his world and felt that he maybe the One. A long but necessary explanation of where I’ve been for a year, what went wrong with my plans, how my ego is now OUT OF THE PICTURE, and why that means I will succeed this time Note: Future posts will not be this loaded with run-on sentences. Long-Term Goals—Why Are They Necessary? “What are your long-term goals?” This is a question that often leaves us pondering for a moment. While it may seem like a simple question to ask, it’s actually quite difficult to answer. But really, how hard can it be? Build a house by the beach. Travel around Europe. Win the Nobel Prize.
2020.10.23 04:15 Mark_Randall_Eminger A long but necessary explanation of where I’ve been for a year, what went wrong with my plans, how my ego is now OUT OF THE PICTURE, and why that means I will succeed this time
Note: Future posts will not be this loaded with run-on sentences. I’m sorry.
Xanthotic… totallyabsurd3… cattivity… everyone else who knew me from back when…
Hey guys. Mark Eminger / twatofhelenharris. I'm writing this pain-in-the-ass post out of necessity, just to get you folks up to speed on what the hell has been going on with me in the last year and a half…because as much as I'd like to just pick up where I left off with my passion-driven feat to invoke evolutionary social change at godlike speed, without first giving it some context within the succession of unexpected and chaotic life events that caused my latest extended disappearance and put those plans on hold (not to mention the recurring patterns of chaos, instability, and extended absences-without-leave which have defined the last six years of my life and of which this last MIA is just the latest and worst), it probably won’t make a whole lot of sense or be very effective without said context.
This post might not be the easiest to follow…my apologies. There will be no more posts like this one after this one, which, to reiterate, I’m writing merely out of necessity in order to make sense of what was essentially an abrupt interruption and my subsequent disappearance without an explanation after having (I assume) given you CollapseSupport folks some good things to look forward to from me and probably some high expectations/high hopes, at least in the sense of looking forward to what kinds of art, poetry, real-world activity/activism and other such things I managed to produce and share with the community in what little precious time we all still have to enjoy on this rock while our “civilization” and way of life topple like the twin towers.
This post is intended to elucidate two things: one, why this apparent failure on my part to fulfill my promises to the community actually wasn’t a failure, nor a tragic mistake or something that wasn’t supposed to happen, but in fact a thing that was supposed to happen just as it did, for reasons that I will shed light on here as I now understand them in retrospect; and two, why this is not an event the likes of which will be repeated, as it’s purpose has been fulfilled—or to be a bit more specific, I’ve now learned (through failure, collapse, and suffering) what vital lessons about myself I still hadn’t learned at that time, without which attempting as I was to change the world/change society/transform lives/lead truth to victory was a hypocritical exercise in futility, and the main purpose of this post is to elucidate what these lessons were and why they are so important (for others going forward, not just myself).
I have clear visions and well-laid-out plans for videos, writing, and other forms of creative activism to unleash upon the unsuspecting, as well as more vague circumstance-dependent plans for direct action that I will carry out with a seriousness I hadn’t had until now—where selfishness and impulsivity have sabotaged such efforts in the past—depending on how future world events unfold. But it’s all going to take a fuckton of work, please understand. And as of the moment, I’ve left myself and others in a very strange spot by failing to (yet) live up to the potential I’d convinced my brothers and sisters I had, by ostensibly failing to deliver on de facto promises I made to turn the world upside down and lead truth and love to victory against lies and hate while the latter destroy us, and simply disappearing for over a year without being heard from.
I’m not expressing remorse or suggesting that these were real failures on my part and could’ve/should’ve been avoided. I’ve done more than my share of punishing myself counter-productively with long-term episodes of depression rooted in unwarranted guilt (which only served to do more injustice to those looking up to me than the things I was feeling guilty for, by throwing years of my time and passion down the drain). And as I hope I’m able to explain in this post, everything that has thus far gone “wrong” or not as expected in my life and my endeavors has actually served a vital purpose as I know in retrospect; not only was it all supposed to happen, but in fact it was all as I had envisioned—only unconsciously. In his book The Perfect Crime, Jean Baudrillard talks about the “specter of the will”, that being the eerily unexpect real-world results of the the fulfillment of one’s unconscious will—or to simplify it, getting what you never knew you wanted.
I still had a lot of learning about myself to do back when I was last active here. I still had enormous strides of personal growth ahead of me—and that I didn’t know it at the time was the whole point. But it all comes down to one simple thing: I still had an ego to get rid of.
My plans an visions for transforming the dying world while there was still a chance were just the same then as they are now—plans including: 1) guerilla information-dissemination through sincere essay-style writings addressed to the public which I print in bulk and pin to trees or tape to lightposts along busy city streets; 2) spontaneous, unplanned public incidents of irony—as inevitably created by the contradictory combination of my fearless and unhesitant attempts at passion-fueled public activism plus my choice to live an unstable life on the edge, usually homeless, because this rotted-out worthless late-stage predatory capitalist unsociety affords me not the decency of a home or basic well-being AND the freedom to self-express at will and exert my potential upon the world at the same time—which effectively cause people to stop, think, and question prior assumptions about the world and our way of life; 3) DANCING, a whole lotta DANCING.
But what I know now is that those plans were doomed to fail at the time, because I still had a fundamental personal deficiency to rise above: the mother of all human character flaws: my ego. I hadn’t gotten over my ego. I was still hiding behind it in many ways that I had yet to learn (by appropriately difficult means). I began my first fearless campaign in late 2018, when I introduced myself to CS, then to go to Denver to (fail to) put my plans into action through mid-2019—though never really telling the true story of what happened there, because my whole campaign in fact crashed and burned hard in Denver, after I made some mistakes that I could not sincerely own up to because I was still hiding behind my ego—later to end up in Philadelphia in late 2019 trying fecklessly to continue my campaign in what was a certain sad and pitiful failure, a story far uglier than Denver which actually ended with the whole half of Pennsylvania and a good portion of NJ identifying me as the devil himself (which is not untrue).
So in trying to wrap this up, I’ll address Xanthotic personally. Kim, the last you heard from me, almost a year ago, I had written you a bunch of texts that might understandably have been confusing, distressing, disturbing, vague, angering, or just plain disappointing. Well I figure I probably don’t need to explain all of this to you, but just so we’re exactly on the same page here: I was confused, and my messages were equally confused and unreflective of reality. That doesn’t mean that an explanation of what inspired them isn’t due, so here’s exactly what happened at the time that made me pull a retard and send them (with some context first), with full and absolute honesty, openness, and sincerity, NOT hiding behind any fear of judgment, ego-shield, or sense of shame:
As of now, you are one of three close friends who I’ve come clean to about this. A handful of acquaintances from an online community I’ve been part of for 13 years also know about it, and then as I hinted at above, a good portion of the states of Pennsylvania and New Jersey know about it. It’s apparently become public information among those who know who I am, as it is obvious after watching one of his recent youtube uploads of Office Hours that Tim Heidecker knows.
I’m talking about my dirty, depraved vice: my fetish for taking my clothes off and masturbating in public spaces in locations where I’m likely to be seen inadvertently from a distance by random bystanders. I find it thrilling. It’s a rush unlike any other. And as my best friend Brendan explained sympathetically when I told him, the lines which distinguish these transgressive fetishes from those socially acceptable are completely arbitrary and entirely up for debate.
I was caught engaging in this activity (for the last time, ever…it’s not even exciting when everyone knows) out in a field in Pennsylvania late last year (though I should mention, I wouldn’t have engaged in it were it not for my frustration at the apathy and lack of cooperation of those around me, because I’d really already had my fun with it). This time, with the whole surveillance state on my ass every second and word about anything I did spreading like wildfire throughout the general public, I was thus caught and woke up the next morning to the masses demonizing and shaming me everywhere I went—though not person-to-person, of course, because none of them has the courage for that.
I had gotten a dishwashing job there on the East border of Pennsylvania which I liked and held for two months with every intention of keeping while I found an apartment and settled in there. And the whole “getting caught” incident happened before I was employed there, after which I worked two solid months while customers from all over came to that restaurant daily, after finding out that I worked there, and talked loudly and openly amongst each other about me over dinner, always whimsically and with a sense of humor as I could tell, i.e. nonjudgmentally, (all of them women, unsurprisingly). Nonetheless, for some reason there came a day when out of the blue, all the shitty unwarranted guilt that the almost exclusively men of the population had been wanting me to feel, by calling me a “pervert”, “hades” and “the devil” (though not to my face, of course) actually caught up to me, and I started questioning my sanity, froze up and became catatonic, had a full mental breakdown, and was unable to continue showing up to work. That’s when I sent you those texts, Kim. It wasn’t me in my right mind sending them. It was me succumbing to being shit on by the self-oblivious and ego-driven masses.
Shall I make a point while I can. We’re all perverts. Being perverted is a fundamental part of being human …though too is the psychological “allergic reflex” to repress this fact, amid a world of other fundamental characteristics of human nature that we likewise reflexively repress and thus deny in utter self-oblivion, all except for the extremely few who have by conscious effort come to know their own minds well enough to realize that we as a species are defined by this mass self-aversion and denial of our own animal instincts and animal nature. Being perverts is how we have survived as a species through the tragic accidental encephalization of ape brain into our human brains, which are, as Peter Wessel Zapffe fully understood a century ago, evolved to be over-self-aware to a degree that serves no survival purpose whatsoever but on the contrary only puts us at moral/philosophical odds with our own existence.
But I’d better stop myself there. I have one more thing I need to mention before ending this way too long post. Probably nothing unpredictable, but: the last year of my life following the Pennsylvania thing was spent in a deep, awful, painful depression, made worse by drug addiction robbing my body of even more energy while trapping me in a cage, and then Covid-19 hitting.
But this wasn’t by any means the first such long-term episode of deep depression I’ve thrown years of my life down the drain whilst in; these have been regular occurences for me for the past six years, taken together amounting to over half of that six-year period wasted in day-after-day of despair, pain, fatigue, confusion, alienation, and suppression of my passion…
I can’t deny that I’ve done some permanent damage to my body through all of this unnatural and un-animal psychological torment (which didn’t have to be if I’d listenned to myself instead of succumbing to society’s fundamentally-idiotic mass perceptions of me). Add to that the permanent toll of drug (kratom) addiction, which I’m still in the process of combatting. I say these things because I want you all to know that I stand by my promises to use my many tremendous gifts and passion to turn this collapsing world into something beautiful, a work of art, a holy climax of truth upon humankind, a fruit of the imagination which shows the world what it can be when it has faith in the eternal life to come and sensible disregard for the doomed fate of this world as it was always already to be.
To sum: I have shed my ego and transcended. I am no longer vulnerable, prone to hide behind an ego should some secret be revealed against my intent, or in any way insecure or unconfident with anything I have done, nor do I lack any confidence that my priorities are henceforth straightened out and immutably so. I have no further plans of fingering my butt out in a field, nor do I at all mind now that everyone knows I used to do such things. And anyone who still has some discomfort with the whole idea of such a thing, usually as it seems because they’re “afraid that children might see it”, I just have to leave you with this before leaving this topic alone for good:
At the motel I was staying at in Pennsylvania while working there, I overheard what I’d gotten used to as typical gossip about how *evil and scary a person I am* by the motel houskeeper who lived in a room there with her children. Just as you’d imagine, an American paranoid-schizophrenic ignoramus dimwit freaking the fuck out about how “THAT MAN SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!” “I DON’T WANT HIM AROUND MY CHILDREN!” “WHAT IF HE SHOWS HIS DICK!” (as if I was anywhere in proximity to anyone when I did this thing and didn’t just get caught by the paranoid-schizo-capitalist surveillance state and subsequently have word about it spread like wildfire throughout the community by said apparatus that was actively trying to destroy me while I was minding my fucking own). Well the housekeepers daughter entered the conversation, maybe 8-9ish years old, and guess what she said?
“I think he just has a butt that he loves.”
…see, the kid gets it. Hasn’t yet been programmed mindless by the system and worn down by repeatedly seeing things outside of her comfort zone and reacting to them as threats rather than opportunities to learn and grow. I sure as hell hope I can save kids like her from ending up like the destructive idiot parents who will raise her, and that is above all why I’m doing what I’m doing with such passion. The potentially brilliant kids of the world right now deserve worlds better than what it looks like they’ll be getting if someone doesn’t come to the rescue, especially since they’ll probably be dying at a young age thanks to the selfish stupidity and negligence of their older generations.
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2020.10.22 14:18 BlancheFromage Men secretly masturbating
Within the SGI, there is a "private language" that only the indoctrinated members understand. New recruits typically find this a bit confusing, but it also presents itself as a compelling challenge to master this new language, in order to become "fluent" with the group and feel like a "real member". Even when the words are English words, SGI uses a different definition, which makes their speech confusing and difficult to understand.
But here is your solution! The Big List of SGI words, concepts, phrases, and clichés all broken down in plain English - your very own SGITropes!
We've been kind of working on this "behind the scenes" for a while now - time to bring it all together! Add your suggestions below (unless they're in the Big List linked above - I'll get to those) and I'll work them into the master document. I'm in the process of working on this; I'm going to be saving it periodically so I don't lose it and so I can see that the formatting's good. Alphabetically:
2020.10.21 18:05 hardcore_gamer1 Men secretly masturbating
Most of the sex hyperbole comes from mostly three different kinds of people:
2020.10.21 04:31 Consciousception Men secretly masturbating
This post was too "controversial" for TwoXCockholmed so I'm posting it here. I expected more from a sub for women. The state of the world doesn't lie no matter what you try to censor on the internet. Discussions like these are worth having.
I love being able to control who sees my face and when. Men are creeps and perverse. I'm not going to make a futile attempt to dress ultra modest but at least no loser is going to go home and jack off to the image of my face. Or take secret pictures or videos of me with my face. No deepfakes for men to digitally construct and masturbate to. Also entitled men asking me to take my mask off during a pandemic are a special case of clowns.
The second reason ties into the first. If you haven't already, check out the numbers for domestic violence, rape and sexual assault. Numbers have skyrocketed across the board. There is a silent pandemic going on (has been) and it's the suffering and oppression of women. My mask will also be a mask of awareness and silent protest.
Ladies, I stand with you in solidarity. Maybe you will elect to don a mask as well in protest.
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2020.10.20 22:47 smileykatftb Men secretly masturbating
When I masturbate I usually stimulate my clit with my hands (slower) or my vibrator (pretty quick). During sex however, I haven’t yet had an orgasm with various partners in my three years of dating men. I don’t think I enjoy being eaten out or being rubbed down there by someone else at all? I just don’t get pleasure out of it. I get a lot of pleasure out of penetration and being fingered but they haven’t gotten me close either. I don’t think it’s because I’m not turned on by the other person. Sometimes I ask the other person to take it slow so my clit doesn’t get sensitive or I try rubbing myself during sex but I feel like my body is preoccupied from penetration that I couldn’t feel pleasure around my clit. Im starting to think there’s something wrong with me. And when I listen to my friends sex stories I get secretively jealous. Am I desensitized from using a vibrator? Is there anything I can do to practice cumming easier during sex?
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2020.10.20 10:19 Etoile67gp Men secretly masturbating
It was the older girlfriends 40th birthday last Friday. They told me that they were going to see a work colleague who like them had lost her job in the post Covid confinement lockdown. We had agreed to meet up beck at their apartment at 7pm and I told them I was planning a surprise.
We have been seeing each other since June this year and have a sort of DD/lg dynamic which had been working well. I live one week in two with them in their flat in Paris and the other week at my own place with my daughter.
We are very compatible emotionally and sexually and have been exploring our shared kinks. They’ve repeatedly insisted that want me as their long term Dom/ lover having both of them previously been in abusive relationships with other men. They are bisexual and have lived together for several years before I met them by chance.
I’d planned a lovely birthday surprise for B’s ( the older one) birthday..a hot air balloon flight which is her dream / personalised jewellery set/ her own personalised perfume made up based on her preferences and I’d also got a little gift for A just so she wouldn’t feel left out. I’ve always put their needs before mine...they knew from the start that I wasn’t rich and that all I wanted was to love and care for them as my two beautiful adorable bratty subs. They both suffer from negative body image, but I just live their curvy womanly shape and repeatedly told them skinny gym bunnies aren’t for me. I want them and only them. Ive helped them a lot to boost their self esteem and worked on improving their professionalism business English/CVs and negotiation skills.
Friday evening comes and they don’t turn up. They don’t answer any of my messages/ calls. Finally they come home the next morning. Cue huge row and lots of tears... they’d spent the night with their ex boss. He’s about 60, twice married, very well off European sales director for a multinational. Very overweight, chain smokes cigars, multiple accusations of sexual harassment etc etc. He’d previously tried to convince them to become his exclusive sugar babies... they weren’t interested. They admitted that they’d spent Friday night with him in a luxury Paris hotel in return for one months salary... I’ve no idea if this sounds a lot or not since I’m not a SD. They told me that all he wanted was for them to dress up as sexy schoolgirls, put on a strip show for him, make out with each other then both give him oral. He also got to spank them both and use a flogger on each other whilst he watched. He can’t have PIV and then he told them to both sleep naked on the floor chained to the end of the bed. He wants an exclusive SD/SB arrangement with them where he sees them twice a week plus one weekend a month away at his holiday home and in return he wants them to be quote ‘ his two slutty submissives to punish who will sleep naked and chained to his bed.’ No real sex just role play dressing up/ oral...
I got very angry with A/B and told them that the basic foundation of a D/s relationship ( in fact any intimate relationship) is trust, honesty and confidence in your partner. They might not have had sex with him but oral counts as does sneaking off to spend the night with him on the same evening as I’d planned a special birthday celebration for B. Cheating, lying, whatever you want to call it. They replied that despite some redundancy payoff financially they’re suffering and their ex boss is willing to pay them a monthly allowance equivalent to several times my monthly salary ( no figures ) but split between them would give them financial security. He also proposed two jobs with one of the companies subsidiaries in the south of France ( B comes from Marseille). They told me it was over between us if I couldn’t understand that as far they’re concerned it’s not real sex between him and them and they get to have sex with each other while he watches and masturbates. I could still be their Dom but they see him as well. I refused point blank... they dumped me.
Last night they called me and sounded desperate. They admitted that they’d made an error and put their financial security before our relationship. They want me back as their Dom. They haven’t had someone like me who really cares for them and treats them correctly.
One part of me says that it wasn’t really cheating and that I want to forgive them but the other tells me once that trust has been abused then it’s difficult to get it back. How do I know that what they say is true? How to trust them again? Maybe they’ll keep on seeing their ex boss in secret and not tell me. How can two people who’ve been abused so much in the past by men fall for someone who’s clearly in a position to abuse his power and control over them, and who says that he’ll keep his word and find them both jobs in the company? My inner gut feeling is telling me not to take them back but my heart is telling me to give them another chance. We have a very intense bdsm relationship and because emotionally I’ve become so vulnerable with them I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
Should I take them back? Do I trust them again?
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2020.10.20 08:44 beardedguy87 My Truth
So it was 430am and I had been awake for nearly 2 hours now unable to sleep - things on my mind. I hope that perhaps putting into words exactly how I feel will help relieve some of the worry and pressures I'm feeling inside.
This may be long so I do apologies and thank you for taking the time to read. (Also please be aware I talk about my sexuality so just in case anything of the like may make you uncomfortable.)
So I (currently 33) was born male and as of recently lived that way and have recently come out as gender fluid however I am unsure if I truly want to be female. Constantly reinforced by society that I am a boy I should dress, play etc as a boy should. I have a boy's name which to be honest unlike most non binary I am happy with and I've never felt uncomfortable with being referred to as he/him.
However I have always felt this underlying concern/question that I am not who I am supposed to be. I remember, quite late into puberty I still had not masturbated and asked my mom if I was "broken" I had never had a sexual attraction to women so when being around male friends who would comment on how attractive that girl was or how hot celebrity x, y and z were I simply would smile, remain silent or over play it. However I never felt anything. The first time I did manage to successfully masturbate helped to alleviate these feelings of "brokenness" but again this was not due to being aroused by that of a female, or even male.
I think before moving on it may be important to highlight moments I can recall where moments that I was struggling with my gender would surface however I am aware that these could have been "normal" behavior for a young boy. I remember having my sister dress me up as we would pretend to be spice girls...I wanted to be Geri as she was the one I liked the most. I loved toys and I remember playing with my sisters Barbie and RV however this was suppressed by me having an action man doll. I remember going to the shops with my and sister looking at dresses and holding one up to me and half jokingly "does this suit me?" Of course this was seen as funny, I wanted to be an entertainer so this was just something people saw me do and think "oh you, aren't you funny". A final pre/early puberty memory I have was seeing my sister have some new heeled shoes for Christmas so I snuck into my sister's room and tried them on however being young and unsure how to walk in them I instantly tipped over snapping the heel clean off, upsetting my sister and leaving me to put this experience as a reason to not pursue wearing heels.
I know this is going on so let's move forward, in 2016 I moved away from home. I was 18 and lived over 100 miles south of my hometown living and working with a unique cast of characters my eyes opened up to all manners of people. What I take from this is this would of been the very first time I openly questioned my sexuality...perhaps this is why I never felt comfortable, why I felt "broken" however even when someone did make advances with me I panicked and once again repressing these feelings and continued with my day to day.
During this time I happily chose to cross-dress for a department football match. Now I'm not a fan of football but when the ladies team needed a goal keeper I was their only option and I um'd and ar'd ultimately until they explained that I would need to dress up as a girl which I then jumped at the chance. In a poorly fitting outfit comprised of a crop top and mini skirt I felt comfortable I vaguely remember playing it off as a joke but thinking back now it was not only fun but I enjoyed it.
Over the years after this point dressing in women's clothes never really cropped up but of course I would look at dresses in a shop and wonder how it would look on me. My friend group at the time was a very stereotypical bunch of lads beer, football and girls. I get on with them they're a great bunch but I always felt uncomfortable and out of place. I would redirect a conversation so I could join in as it would primarily be about football or girls. I continued to get on with my life, feeling forever sad, I had moments of happiness but many were forced.
Now the next part of this story could be a bit TMI so you can skip if you want however I feel it's a stepping stone to where I am and why I'm writing this. I always had a fascination of transformation I remember as a child I would watch a tv show, a movie where the protagonist would be transformed into something/someone or of course body swap with someone of the opposite sex. Now what frustrated me and again building up this narrative that I was "broken" was feeling of arousal I would get from these scenarios. After watching I would be left in a state of sadness as I wanted that to happen to me, be it being turned into an animal or having my body swapped with that of a women. So upon searching the internet I found sites that allowed people who had a similar interest and would draw and upload artwork of men becoming women, women becoming men, people being turned into animals - I was happy I had found like minded people who, through their art could satisfy this deep yearning to be someone else.
(A side note when I was younger I loved theatre. I attended a youth theatre and this was always because I could be someone else)
As time went on I found more and more sites which offered artwork, offered stories - stories where I could put myself.in the shoes of the character so in my mind I could live out that fantasy. Eventually I discovered the furry fandom, briefly the furry fandom are a group of people who are fascinated by anthropomorphic animals and where they create a character that they use to interact with one another. "Great!" I thought I could pretend to be someone else. Not thinking I chose a male based character but would regularly design a female version. The main benefit of being in this fandom was meeting many people, people of all shapes, sizes, sexualities and genders. It opened my eyes to so many possibilities. This feeling I had always pushed away surfaced again but tenfold. I first began to question my sexuality more realizing that I wasn't straight and then experimenting to see if I was gay, I enjoyed my experience but again I wasn't turned on by a man. Speaking to people who had a better understanding of the different sexualities on the spectrum we identified that I fall into the Asexual umbrella, specifically Demisexual.
Apologies for all of this info dump but I promise we are getting to end….
During this time I came across sissy pornography something inside me enjoyed how these cross dressers were wearing ladies panties, makeup, stockings etc and after some time something inside me clicked "I want to try on some female underwear" my thinking was perhaps if I tried a pair and they was uncomfortable I could remove this idea that I wanted to be a girl. So I went out to the local Tesco I walked upstairs looking like I was up to no good, I had researched sizing and worked out that back then I would of been a 22 panty size. So I picked up the first pair I laid my eyes on went to the self service (luckily no tag so I wouldn't have to ask for it to be removed) paid for my "contraband" and went home.
I took them out quickly and held them up if I remember rightly they were a pair of briefs, not full briefs, navy blue thrilly around the edge and a little bow in the centre. I took off my current pair of boxers and slid on the panty and as they rested in place I was amazed by actually how soft and comfortable they felt. I looked at myself in the mirror and I loved the way they looked and the way I felt. I felt cute and comfortable, something which I had not felt for ever or the least for a very long time. So months passed, no one knew about my "dirty little secret" . I felt bad, like I was doing something wrong. But I chalked it up to a sexual kink and not a way of me opening up about who I am. I was asked by my sister to house sit while she and my brother in law went away and while sitting in their living room I suddenly had the urge to rummage through my sisters clothes and try some items on. I found a blue/purplish dress, a pair of tights and shoes which at that time fitted me...not comfortably I might add but my feet squeezed in. I put a little bit of makeup on (poorly) I had a reasonable length hair then so I found and donned a headband and upon looking in the mirror I felt good amazingly this dress fitted it wasn't too tight or too loose the tights showed off my legs I was happy, I took a photo but suddenly I was hit by a feeling of guilt and again like was doing something illegal…"this isn't right I shouldn't be doing this" so with that I took off the clothes put everything back and did my best to forget it however the photo I took would always be a reminder of how comfortable and pretty I felt at that exact moment.
Moving forward I continued to wear my ladies underwear, I bought another pack with different patterns all still donning the tiny bow on the front of the lace always making me feel like a girl when I wore them. One day when I was visiting my mom, she wanted me to stay, I declined as I had no change of clothes but she insisted on washing my current underwear and borrowing a pair from my step dad(clean I will add). Suddenly panic rushed over me winding me, I stuttered my objections leaving my mom feeling upset and unsure as to why I didn't want to stop and spend some time with her. She was unknowing of my little ladies underwear secret and how she would react washing a pair of white panties with lace, a bow and little hearts on...which her son was wearing.
That same day and a reason I can't exactly remember my step dad took me out I think my car may have been in for its MOT hence why I was visiting. My step dad had brought up about me staying saying that it was fine for me to stay and that I could borrow a pair of his underwear (again I'll add they would of been clean) already frustrated of having to make excuses I let it out, my secret I had kept silent about for so long, was out between me and my step dad...and he was absolutely fine with it, he understood said that my mom doesn't need to know, he would offer to do the washing instead of my mom limiting the chance my mom would see my pretty panties.
Once back and feeling a little better that someone knew I bit the bullet and told my mom, her reaction was confusing. She seemed fine but withdrawn from it. I know she probably didn't understand it, why would her SON want to wear ladies underwear? Now that people close to me knew my secret I felt a little relieved. I decided to tell my aunt (whom I'm very close with) and she was extremely understanding and happy for me that I was comfortable. However over time the feeling of it being a “dirty thing that I shouldn't be doing” cropped back up. Perhaps because I couldn't go and wear more than a pair of knickers, still keeping it a secret from my sister who had that nice purple dress that made me feel so good and that I wanted to try on again without the worry of being considered a freak or it was just an odd kink.
Eventually I was tormented enough to take every pair of pants I had and throw them away, gone for good I could forget about this silly little “phase”. I eventually told my sister who was shocked at this admittance but I think it was perhaps more so because I never told her sooner. I eventually told my dad after a conversation about my sexual orientation but I think that was brushed over as it was something he didn't want to consider.
So from that point on I continued to live my life as I had before putting any thoughts about wanting to be a female to the back of my mind out of the way. I lost a lot of weight which helped me find better suiting clothing but from time to time I would see a woman wearing an outfit and I would, in my head, envy that I couldn't be her. I decided to binge every season of Ru Paul - I understand that drag queens are different from transgender however the confidence and bravery to live the life along with looking absolutely gorgeous was just another thing to be envious over.
Which now brings us pretty much up to date the last few weeks thoughts of wearing women's underwear have surfaced and the idea of pushing them away has become difficult. I see items of clothing that I think I could pull off. I find that over all I have begun to feel more feminine, I've always hated my body hair but always seen it as a "man" thing to have whereas now I have shaved and smooth legs, chest and arms feel so good.
I branched out and purchased some outfits I can wear under my male clothes, I've bought makeup to practice. To help prevent the "dirty feeling" I had when I first tried on ladies underwear I decided. I would control the narrative I would tell those closest. Granted I was a bit off handed with it as I couldn't bring myself to initially say it out loud but after the message I’d sent and was read, a deeper, emotional centric conversation was had. It was hard to hear how people thought they failed me and that they were so concerned that I could harm myself from not being happy.
However I explained that 1. Coming out as genderfluid has helped me as I don't have to worry about being "caught" which would make for a more awkward conversation and 2. Over time as I become more comfortable with who I want to be. Who my true self is, I may hopefully find a place in my life where I can sit back without feeling guilty about being me.
Of course I have a long road to go before I can be confident in who I want to be. As things stand and reciting these moments that have played a part to this point I think I will always come back to the idea that I am a woman at heart.
Thank you for sticking around. I've written this to help me identify and validate my emotions and feelings at this time in my life and also as a call to anyone who read it and had experienced a similar trail of events.
TL:DR: Can intermittent moments have lead me to this point or would my experiences have been more "above" the surface. I am just worried that how I'm feeling and how I have felt is not real and is from something else, from what I'm not sure. This is to put it out there to see if there are others whos experiences were similar.
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2020.10.19 18:30 findingerotica1 Straight Men and Sex in 2020
Not only does a younger generation of hetero men have less sex than other age groups but there is evidence to suggest that more straight men have "gone missing" in their intimate relationships. Quoting sex therapist Stephen Snyder, the Guardian notes that "in heterosexual couples, it’s usually the man, counter to popular expectation, who has lost his desire – or, as he puts it, “gone missing in the bed”. (Typically, the man is still masturbating privately, so it’s only his desire within the context of the relationship that is lost.)
Many factors contribute to his findings: gender roles have been changing for quite awhile, perhaps even more so in an era of heightened awareness about sexual abuse, and new norms are evolving--some caused by changing roles others by the various health and political crises that put us in a reactive position.
"The men who land on Snyder’s couch often struggle with a sexual selflessness that saps their desire. Sometimes, he says, men who have grown up with a domineering father overcompensate, and in the process they disconnect from their own wants. The trick for these men, is to find “the right balance between passion and consideration – self and other.”
And to face the hidden shame of sexual rejection unveiled by researcher Brené Brown in her book Daring Greatly, “I guess the secret is that sex is terrifying for most men.”
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2020.10.17 16:17 tailcalled Secretly men masturbating
| You might've heard about the distinction between anatomic/interpersonal/transvestic/behavioral/physiological autogynephilia. However, I think it is flawed because it it a distinction purely based on surface-level phenomena. But I've been slowly working towards a distinction that might be more real:|
Remember that Meta-attraction cannot account for all autogynephiles' interest in men, and in fact there are some exclusively homosexual males who are autogynephilic. This spells trouble for the Erotic Target Location Error hypothesis, which asserts that autogynephilia is an inversion of one's attraction to women onto oneself. The main possible solution to this trouble would be if there are multiple kinds of AGP, where one is related to gynephilia, and others are either unrelated to sexual orientation or related to androphilia.
In analyzing A dataset of common AGP fantasies, one thing I noticed was that while straight AGP men would often mention autosexual things, such as fantasies about being a woman and masturbating, gay AGP men would not mention this. Of course, sexually caressing one's female body seems like it would logically be the ultimate form of erotic target location error, so this seems like it would be a good candidate for ETLE-based AGP.
With this in mind, I did some reanalyses of the AGP/MEF survey run by the owner of /AskAGP, and found that there might be a coherent distinction between "narrowsense AGP" - the form related to erotic target location errors - and "broadsense AGP" - all other forms of AGP. Furthermore, narrowsense AGP might mediate the effect of gynephilia on broadsense AGP, so that gynephilia has no influence on broadsense AGP beyond its effect on narrowsense AGP.
Perhaps even more interestingly, androphilia might contribute to broadsense AGP. Thus, perhaps in addition to the ETLE-based narrowsense AGP, we could talk about "gayGP" as a distinct type of autogynephilia. The main issue here is that it's not clear what would be unique to gayGP. (Meta-attraction remains a thing, so sex with men as a woman wouldn't work.) One could work with it as a construct without having any direct indicators of it, but that would be difficult, so a future research priority should be to identify AGP fantasies unique to gayGPs.
Narrowsense AGP appears, at least in this data, to be reasonably examined using autosexual AGP. More specifically, fantasies like:
Basically the proposed relationship would be something like
The scarequotes around AHE and meta is because what I really mean is \"sex with a woman as a woman\" and \"sex with a man as a woman\"; it might not really constitute meta-attraction for gayGPs, for instance.
and the big question is then to confirm this, search for specific indicators to gayGP, and search for additional kinds of AGP beyond narrowsense AGP and gayGP. (Masochistic Emasculation Fetish is an often-hypothesized third kind, though an alternative hypothesis would be that it is just the intersection of broadsense AGP and masochism, or... the AGP/MEF survey suggests that it might be a variant of gayGP.)
This is currently still at the level of initial investigation, but I thought it was time to get it out of the obscurity it has had by being talked about only in Discord servers, secret meetings, and twitter.
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2020.10.13 18:36 BrockManstrong Men masturbating secretly
I actually thought "semen retention" was a joke at first. I was that brainwashed with the notion that ejaculation is just something that all men do on a (basically) daily basis.
I've tried it for 11 weeks now. The benefits are so obvious, that I wonder why isn't this a cornerstone of societal teaching? I think I know why. Religion is rather dogmatic about masturbation: it is seen as sinful without explanation. Yes, we've quoted biblical verses in this sub, and there are hints in the bible as to the POWER of semen retention...but religion doesn't discuss the benefits of retaining, it only talks about the sin of releasing. That has made many people think that religion is merely "puritanical" about masturbation, and that creates the convenient narrative that a more progressive society accepts masturbation as completely harmless and even healthy, and that religion is just out-of-date about the apparent harmlessness of masturbation.
On sex, religion generally says "no sex before marriage". The assumption is that sex has always been synonymous with "trying for a baby", and a baby is better brought up by a married couple. Meanwhile, secular society is "sex positive" these days. Sex is seen as a healthy activity. The ejaculation is assumed to be present with every act of copulation. Moreover, there's a consensus that a healthy relationship involves regular sex...perhaps 3 or 4 times a week, maybe daily. "The more the better!"
And so modern society holds very little value to the notion of men retaining semen.
Retaining semen? You wot m8?
Retaining semen is anathema to how we're told to live in society. We're told to hook up and have sex. Protect yourself and there's no consequences. Yeah, right. Promiscuous women can have pair-bonding issues and men certainly can end up just draining the tank way too often where sex is freely available via an app.
Of course, then there's porn as the "safety net" that guarantees you a "good time" should you fail to find a woman. Gigalitres of sperm are wasted daily around the world thanks to porn. Society's only negative view on porn is that it gives people "unrealistic expectations of sex". Nothing is ever mentioned about the negative effects of wasting semen.
Yet, semen retention's benefits are well known throughout history. The concept of the monk is a major theme in every culture I know of. The man who lives an ascetic life is associated with wisdom. This idea transcends all cultures. Ascetism = wisdom. The route to wisdom has to involve ascetism to some degree. We on this sub know this. We don't just talk about semen retention here, but diet, fasting, exercise, getting off social media, abstaining from alcohol/drugs. Ascetism is (perhaps arguably, but I will argue it) the central topic of this sub.
Why won't modern society reveal the secret superpower of semen retention to the wider male population? Because it's anathema to how society is setup. In today's society, man's sexual weakness is exploited. Society wants him to be a slave to his sex drive. He is dumbed down by it. He is also motivated by it. He will work so very hard to be consciously attractive to women (consciously attractive = status, money, looks), while being subconsciously unattractive (drained). This is why (I am sure) an SR guy gets the so-called "magnetism". It's because he gives off a very different signal than most other men give out. A man whose body is constantly having to regenerate gives off a certain pallor...his body is working hard to regenerate. He literally looks like he's preoccupied and "under construction", recharging. The SR guy looks poised and on-purpose - he's READY and 100%. Let me be even more clear about the reason why society doesn't tell this secret: If every guy did SR, the economy would be in the shitter. Why would we need to be consciously attractive (status, money, looks), when we're subconsciously attractive? Conscious attraction is a compensation for being subconsciously unattractive (drained). Sure, a lambo and good looks would trump a full tank in terms of overall attraction....I have no doubt about that. However, with two men of relative equal status, SR is the winning card...and that matters a lot. Moreover (and this is the most important point), SR gives a man all he needs in life! He would not be conducive to a society that must have him needy. SR ironically makes you less needy (if you do it right). You become a monk. You become untouchable. You transcend the lower self that enslaves you. In terms of governments, you become dangerous. Society doesn't want you content. It wants you unhappy and needy. Constant ejaculation is the perfect means to placing a man on the pointless hamster wheel of desire. Keep bustin', attaboy.
To sum up here...SR will never be part of mainstream knowledge. It's too dangerous. It would allow men to find contentment interally, not externally. It's like slaves finding the key to their shackles and removing them.
And that is verboten.
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2020.10.13 16:25 HaulA13Octl1 Masturbating men secretly
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2020.10.11 18:57 n00biwanKenobi Men secretly masturbating
I have an addiction.
Porn just doesn't do it for me anymore, and I am constantly surrounded by my attractive female friends and colleagues. For the longest time, I used to take their phones when they weren't paying attention, browse their galleries and send their nudes across to my phone.
It felt exhilarating and rewarding for the longest time, but off late I've been extremely overcome with guilt for my actions. I've never been caught and I enjoyed the temporary "high" it gave me, during the act of theft, as well as the part that comes after.
I saved these images and videos for myself into detailed and categorised folders to revisit time and again and this was my go-to for years, until I was recently overcome with shame and guilt and in a moment of aggression (at myself), I deleted everything.
Immediately after, I regretted my actions, and I now find myself back where I started, bored with porn and addicted to masturbation. I am aware that it is a problem, and I am aware that this is a problem that many men face, however I am not willing or ready to make the attempt to bring about a change in my life just yet.
I do feel ashamed and sorry for what I did, but I find myself justifying these actions by reassuring myself that "what they don't know, can't hurt them" - and that no harm was done to anyone as a result of the nude-stealing I did.
For people wondering, I am still close friends with several of these women whose stolen nudes I have jerked off to, and they remain special to me (in a totally non-sexual way) - if that makes sense.
This has been my deepest, darkest secret for years now, and it feels good to finally get it off my chest here, since this is the ideal place to make a confession.
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2020.10.10 16:55 Sorry_Check Men secretly masturbating
On the spectrum of women built like a brick house to those perfectly spherical, most men are going to lean towards to brick house. Caveman brains loves curves, those child bearing hips, but it also likes someone who can successfully run away with them from a Sabertooth.
I don't think women having distinguishable abs is often a turn off to men, swimsuit edition has a lot of abs, or so I'm told. Being fit is what the Brit's call "fit."
Those turned off by muscle are probably associating muscle with masculinity. I think it's clear it is so but masculine features in femininity aren't a bad think, can be very attractive as the reverse: feminine features in masculinity.
Trust me, as a man with very large breasts, the ladies like. Mt Dew is my nectar, I secrete pheromone's that have an affect just like that one scene in the Matrix: the one where I forget who but somehow looking down at the table of people theirs a lady their and he zones in his magic powers beneath her work dress thus making her wet, wait. That's a pretty fucked up scene now that I think about it. Like not to go SJW on a sci fi film but let's empathize:
you're sitting in a work meeting and inexplicable you start getting some stimulation down there. If someone was molesting me with their mind I'd only be cool with it if they were looking like Azula(the real mean bitch from Avatar) Or another muscled asian, the WWE one, Asuka? Yeah. I forgot her. Those chicks are a great example of musculature being hot on women.
I mean let's be honest, if one of the females from the WWE cast started to Matrix Masturbate you, you'd say cool.
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