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2020.10.24 21:54 LotusMoth I'm fighting for our marriage but is the fight worth fighting alone?

I am (28F) in a 4 year 3 of those married relationship with my husband (29M). We've been through a lot together including me having cancer two times and beating it two times. I am now in remission and have been for almost a year.
DISCLAIMER( I'm going to be very blunt because I want help and so I'm not going to MANIPULATE sound perfect or have him sound like the only one who needs help because it takes two and I'm seriously considering seperating from this person so please take this seriously if you are repyling as I need an unbiased stranger opinion for this.)
In a nutshell we are both depressed and have been for a year. He hasn't had a job in over two years and I have supported us with grants from my cancer and then I got a job right when I was cancer free. On an average day I wake up, clean, get ready for the day,if I'm not working to usually watch a little TV and like to walk go outside ECT. My husband wakes up around 2 pm because he's up watching tv untill 4 am. He sits down and watches TV. That's it. I've tried to ask for help around the house help with pulling his weight,support, sex, romance for literally over a year and with no improvements. I've given him advice to see a therapist but he never "gets around" to it. When I finally get super frustrated and go off on him he says "I'm depressed stop being mean" and deflects all blame unto me for not being more supportive. I've gone online and read about marriage stuff, I've asked professionals for help. It's all the same answer. "Communication." I've communicated to this man so much and for the life of me can not get him to see how much he hurts me not doing anything for our relationship or himself and blaming all his problems on other people. I started leaving him be and trying to do my own thing. Then he gets upset that I seem distant. I try to do little things for him like randomly get him flowers or beer, make him breakfast in bed. Still no sex or effort on anything.then this morning we had a huge blowout fight. I couldn't take it anymore. I said in tears that I'm losing my mind fighting for our marriage and feeling like he's given up. And if he is happier without me I am willing to help him find a place if that's what he's stressed about.
All he had to say in response was the ol' " You're crazy, our problems are you"shpeel. I then asked what I've done besides try to help him and he says " Youre mean to me, I'm depressed and I need help" so I'm like yeah I know I've been patient and supportive for almost a yeAr and you have done nothing to try so now I'm finally blowing the eff up.but over that I'm sorry but can you find no fault in anything your doing is it all literally me?
Apparently yes to him he's perfect I'm insane for not letting him sit and play gta watch car videos all his life while I support us both. Clean, cook, keep track of bills. And not have sex for months on end.
His excuse for not getting therapy? Needing an id which I've told him to get for A YEAR. And now that he's finally deciding to try to get an id he's acting like I'm this crazy woman on his ass for nothing when this has been going on for so long.
My biggest frustration is why when I know I'm truly not being a nag and tryin to be basically perfect, does a man always go to "You're crazy" and "it's you not me" when I require anything of them to live and survive.
Is this a lost cause? I want to be with him and I'm not perfect. But I feel like I'm rightfully frustrated And possibly being more naggy and mean because it's been so long with no change, I hate how he is actually making me feel like I'm just crazy and need to deal with it. I can honestly say through all Ive been through I have given our marriage 1000 percent.
I need mother's, sisters, daughters,wives, grandmother's advice. I need the power of a females word when the world seems shitty and confusing.
Reddit,
Do your thing.
Edit: thank you to everyone for the amazing perspectives and encouragement. I just needed to sort out my feelings w people who can see it as just the problem at hand without biased goggles. Thank you!!
submitted by LotusMoth to askwomenadvice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 20:00 NeverSettle4Midz Free online live sex videos

So this happened today and im beyond embarrassed. Just to help fill in the story, im a 23 y/o guy, who is very antisocial, pretty awkward, and also very single lmao.
So ill start things off by saying the other day i was on tiktok and came across a video that showed viewers a website where you can type in your address and it displays all the people who have committed some sort of sexual crime near you. Of course i open up a tab in my browser and go to the website and check out my neighborhood to see the type of people im living around. Im one of those people that never close my tabs, so i literally have 77 tabs open on my phone as we speak. So i inevitably close my browser and continue on with my day.
Fastforward to today...im talking to my mom about a truck i found on facebook marketplace and i go to show her it...i click the switch tab button and OF COURSE the tab next to the one i was on is the website from above, but it doesnt show the whole title, just the first two words then a "..." displayed like the following (FREE SEX...)
As soon as she sees it she kind of jumps like she was startled and i pannicked and quickly switched back to the tab next to it. She doesnt say anything and i just start talking about the truck. My face is completely red, i start sweating, im so confused on why that would even be there. After a few minutes of talking about the truck we eventually go our seperate ways.
The first thing i do next is go check what the hell that tab was and low and behold...the damn website from tiktok. "FREE SEX OFFENDER SEARCH DATABASE" was the real title of the tab. After a few minutes of juggling the idea of what to do next, i then screenshot the tab and send her an explination of what she saw...but who knows if she will even believe me with how i reacted. Wouldnt anyone react that way in this situation though? Now i feel like she doesnt believe me and thinks im some creep lerking on the internet for free sex.
Moral of the story, close your tabs even if they arent naughty tabs apparently. Im officially digging the hole i plan to crawl in and die. As if my relationship with my family wasnt already awkward enough. Thanks tiktok.
TLDR: Tiktok shows me a website that displays sex offenders near you, i check it out and forget about the browser tab. The tab pops up when showing my mom a truck online and it reads "FREE SEX..." as a shortened website title instead of "FREE SEX OFFENDER SEARCH DATABASE"...now i think she thinks im some sort fo sex addict or something.
submitted by NeverSettle4Midz to tifu [link] [comments]


2020.10.23 02:59 badfelts Sex online free videos live

Hello Reddit rabbit parents, 🐰❤️
I am just seeking a general idea of how everyone here has experienced adding to their bunny families. My husband and I adopted a rabbit in April (after mooonths of contemplation and research) but I still constantly feel like I run into conflicting advice and opinions online. Vet forums say 1 thing while vets commenting on other posts or videos say otherwise.. YouTubers always seem to shame certain habitats and people who don't free roam, while others say a rabbit can be perfectly content with limited exercise.
Our rabbit Lily lives in an enclosure, but not a 'cage'. It's the kind you can get that CAN close up to be a cage but you have the option of laying the entire side down into a ramp and then there's a nice big pen gate you can fold out and around into a playard. That's where Lily spends about 50% of her time. The other 50% of the time, she's running around the house and doing whatever she wants. It used to be way more, but we JUST moved into a new place and we are trying to establish some boundaries with her and it's a bit trickier for me to watch her all the time when she's out in this apartment because there are a lot more walls to hide behind lol
ANYWAYYY, she was between 4-6 months in April (the previous caregivers didn't know for sure) so she's now between 10-12 months!
We would loveee to add another rabbit into the family, as I know buns can become bonded and make each other really happy. But I have a few questions,
I'm in touch with a lady whose rabbit (same breed as Lily) just had a litter and these babies will be ready for homes in 5 weeks.
1) is getting a baby rabbit a bad idea? will our current bun Lily be aggressive or territorial with a smaller rabbit? I wouldn't do it if there's a risk that this little one could end up hurt or Lily could end up incredibly upset/distraught.
2) would the sex of the new rabbit matter? Lily isn't spayed, so we would need another female. Does it matter if the newly introduced bun is male/female?
3) I would love to hear any other stories or advice about adding a new rabbit, how you did it, ect.
I will continue my research and tomorrow I'm contacting the only vet hospital in my area that handles small pets such as rabbits, so hopefully they will have some advice too. But I am always looking for 2nd or 3rd opinions!
Thank you all so much!!! 🐰❤️
submitted by badfelts to Rabbits [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 21:04 beingbetterdude It is a goodbye

Hello all,
I’ve been active on this sub for a few weeks this spring/summer, I shared my experience on my way to recovery from : - porn - cyber sex (and so, online cheating)
I decided to try something because I couldn’t really control myself anymore. I felt so horny all the time, I masturbated between 2 to 4 times each day, sometimes paying for online services. I used to be so ashamed of myself, I destroyed devices, I destroyed a phone, but somehow I always craved my daily dose of naked women... and I managed to find porn. Every time.
I don’t really remember how it all started, everything was perfectly balanced and I ended up cumming « for » random online girls without telling my gf that I deeply love. I told her about it later and I believe this was the true first day of my recovery. She’s been supportive, but she lives far away from me (about a 800 miles)
I’ve been really struggling since the beginning of 2019, I spent the year making concession, limiting my porn consumption, trying not to pay to often on camsites or onlyfans.
In 2020 I deleted all those accounts, but still looked at mild stuff and reading erotic things. Someday I looked at myself in the mirror and I understood I had to change my whole approach, I had to get rid of my bad habits : smoking, drinking, pmo
Not easy, I started to stop smoking and drinking, I actually was on the right mindset so it was easy. But porn. Porn that was difficult. This is a tricky one.
I knew it wasn’t good for me, my couple. But I kept doing it all over again. For a while I managed to stay away from it (when I was the most active here). But this summer I almost went back to caming, I almost cheated myself and my gf again. But I didn’t and almost cried, overwhelmed by my feelings. I still got in touch with girls but only via reddit chat (no pic or video sharing just dirty talking). That does the trick but yet again, I used this as a substitute to porn. The « horny » feeling was still the same than in 2019, I automatically grabbed my phone and watch stuff or talked to girls from dedicated subreddits.
The truth is, I didn’t solve my problem doing this and I tortured myself by not allowing me to watch videos or webcams. And I kept doing it all over again...
Until two weeks ago. I was at my parents house for the week end ( that doesn’t happen often these days) and like always, I planned to masturbate Sunday morning (I always do). But Sunday morning, I downloaded reddit app, seeking mild stuff or a chat with a girl but I ended up on semenretention (I don’t even know how). I don’t believe in the « superpowers » or bs they tell there but I read interesting things. It helped me understand the last piece of the puzzle : I didn’t need to masturbate or to watch anything that Sunday, there was nothing good to expect, there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating in front of lit pixels. I mean I already knew that but It felt like I understood at that very moment, in my bedroom with my dong in my hand.
Si i wondered, what if ? What if you started to truly commit to the advices you give ? How come you are so smart and clever and you can’t even control yourself ? Why do you think your horniness is a demon you have to fight ? Maybe it is just something you can tame, you can live with, you can accept.
Just stop feeding the addiction, it’ll slowly be weaker. That was the advice I told to people here, but somehow I never really respected it for myself. The most important thing is : what do I think about that particular thing ? I grabbed my pants and started my day without masturbating. Actually, I didn’t masturbate for 3 or 4 days. It was the first time in YEARS that happened. And oh boi that made me proud of myself. But the next Thursday, I felt horny again, not horny like the previous days but horny like I was about to lose control. And home alone. But I looked at myself in the mirror and told loud and clear « oh no you don’t » and I didn’t. I masturbated thinking about nothing later that night before Going to bed. I slept like never before. I felt free.
It’s only been 2 weeks but I only masturbated 2 times (with my eyes clothed) and it felt awesome. Not dirty as it used to. Something definitely changed. And I accept that porn is over for me, I know that I won’t enjoy it anymore (I le stay careful obviously)
So here is a useful list of things I learnt the past two years for you :

  • if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, no matter what your friends say about it or how normal it is in our society. That applies to any drugs.
  • Porn isn’t your enemy. I repeat, porn isn’t your enemy. It is your use of it that it’s a problem. This is very important, don’t fight the society, solve your problem first
  • Mild stuff doesn’t help, it tortures you more than it relieves your stress because you crave porn and resist it
  • Being over horny is normal when you are fed porn or sexy images for years constantly. And it changes quickly when you stop. Brain is a beautiful thing.
  • There is a time to feel guilty and another to allow yourself to move on
  • Trust yourself. You think it is huge, but it is not. Embrace every moment where you are free and live something else. Each time you don’t watch porn, you are already free. It is not about stopping, it is about not giving addiction what it wants.
  • Don’t avoid thinking about porn, you can’t. But if you know what you think of it, you won’t come back. There is nothing to expect from porn. Did it help you all those years ? Did it solve your problems in your life ? Of course not, when you idealize porn, you are only lying to yourself. It the addiction. It tricks you into that way of thinking. So, what do you think of porn ? Is it great to see all those naked bodies ? Or is it something that’ll keep digging a hole in your life ? You know the answer. Accept it once and for all.
  • don’t change your habits too much. I know it sounds controversial, but that is a great way to understand that you can live the same everyday life without it. You don’t need that. Of course you can exercise or start a new activity but you don’t need to change every aspect of your life.
  • And you can keep and should keep your devices. Getting rid of phones or computer means you rely on something else than yourself. And what if you end up seeing something porn-ish ? Boom. That’s a relapse. I am not saying you should tease yourself, but I’m saying that retaking control is better than trying to avoid the problem. Some of your friends will show you porn stuff someday because they think it’s funny or no big deal (it happens right ?). And that day, you’ll be able to tell him what you think about that. You don’t want to run masturbate because you enjoyed what he showed you. Remember, there is nothing good to expect from porn and you don’t miss a damn thing by not watching a porn video or photo or whatever.
  • erotic stories, comics, hentai, audio and all that stuff, it is only torture. Stop torturing yourself and craving a stimulation. With no stimulation, you won’t get hard and therefore you are not really horny.
  • there is no such things as « just on me time » or « I’ll watch it only once a week ». That’s too much of a risk, and you know it. When you’ll commit to this, accept that you’ll have to be careful and stay free forever.
I am saying it again. Kill the positive image you have in your mind about porn. I used to stay away from it and still craved it. Then I believed I needed it and It would be endless. Break the cycle, it is bad you know it, you don’t watch it and it is no big deal.
You are not only a dick with legs. There are so much more about you than this, find your balance again. If you feel triggered, read the rules, go outside for 5 minutes and it’ll pass. Masturbate when you feel like it but take your time, do this with no open screens on front of you and don’t do this too often. Your body and mind will find their balance. There is no rule, we’re all different.
I’ll leave reddit for a while, I’m not running away or avoiding porn ;) but I feel tired of browsing mindlessly.
Believe in yourself, if you don’t, nobody will. Earn your confidence back, focus on other things.
Oh and, stop seeing women as the ultimate price. Here is a fact : one human out of two had bobs and vagene. Nothing exceptional. It is ok to focus on other things for a while. Don’t treat women like godesses, see them as human in the first place. Your brain will go back to normal soon. You remember ? When some girls were not attractive ? When you only looked at those you found interesting ? When some were just pretty ? When their faces meant more than their ass ? It will come back. And it will feel awesome.
I hope I gave useful insights.
FYI : I’ve been free of tobacco for 9 months now I still drink but never alone and I don’t think about it when I am I’ve been porn video free for two months, and free of any kind of sexual stimulation on a screen for 2 weeks.
I feel good and currently focusing on other things (work, gf, training...)
Sorry for potato English. Not my native language.
Bye and stay true to your commitment, it is definitely worth it. We change everyday and it is for the better.
submitted by beingbetterdude to pornfree [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 09:24 thetranquillife1 Free online live sex videos

Millions of individuals have been lured into sexual bondage. Christ wants and demands that we by set free from all vice, particularly sexual vice. Many Christians know this but still fail. What is lacking from the Church is practical information to overcome this temptation and epidemic, and that's why I have compiled the following information and collated it for your benefit. It doesn't claim to be comprehensive, nor does one have to agree with every point.
I will say it at the start, true victory comes through Christ. What does this mean? It means that you must be willing to change your ways and then believe upon the Lord Jesus, who died on the cross two thousand years ago to forgive you of your sins. To fight the 'flesh', the carnal nature that you have, you need the Spirit of God, and this only comes through faith in Christ, a Christ who saves us from our sins, yes, even our sexual sins.
Try and have a gospel-centred life every day. Listen to Christ-centred hymns/songs. Read parts of the NT. We are sanctified by the word of God, but also by focusing on God's love shown to sinners through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Reasons/Excuses Why Individuals Indulge
Reason/Excuse Christian Perspective
Winter depression (SAD) The lack of sunlight and social activities in the winter months is very negative for the individual. However, there are strategies one can adopt to combat these ailments.
An atmosphere of anxiety caused by societal upheaval e.g. CV-19 policies Facts must be used to dispel the fear. Whilst CV-19 can lead to death for those with pre-existing health conditions, 80% of those with it have no symptoms, and the majority of the remaining 20% have mild symptoms. If you are healthy and sensible, there is little to fear.
Weak individual hope One's intellect or will power is irrelevant in this fight. Anyone who follows the advice can gain victory. You may have other problems in your life: drink, unemployment, debt etc. but those can be solved and more easily addressed if one is free from this vice.
Weak societal hope Western societies cannot realistically be prevented from fragmenting and anti-Christian globalism is unfortunately the dominant force today. However, Christ will one day return to rule and reign in righteousness. If we get our act together, then there is societal hope.
Lack of intimacy Singles and those in dead bedroom marriages should not be tempted to indulge. For the single, if he indulges, he will reduce his chances of finding intimacy later, and for the man in the marriage, whatever intimacy you have will be damaged and possibly destroyed.
Rebellion and the pursuit of the forbidden Mankind is rebellious by nature, for we have the inheritance of Adam inside of us. Rebelling against sexual conservatism will leave the individual not fulfilled in the long run, but bitter and potentially resentful.
Reasons for Abstention

  1. Improve your mental and spiritual health
  2. Generate positive energy and drive to help solve your troubles e.g. obesity, sleep deprivation, anxiety/stress, body tension, debt issues, lack of confidence etc.
  3. Get closer to God, prepare for Christ’s return, and walk in the Spirit – whilst we are in the flesh, we cannot please God
  4. Peace of mind and conscience
Christian Sexual Ethics and Morality The Bible was written by men who transcribed the revelation of God. To understand the views of God in regards to His finest creation, man, one must have a good knowledge of His Scriptures.
The apostle Paul is the most prolific writer on sexuality, but Jesus also talked about lust and adultery. The Patristic Fathers followed in their footsteps, advocating chastity and sexual self-control.
  • Romans 13:13 - 13 Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy.
  • Galatians 5:19-21 - 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
  • 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 - 1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
  • 1 Corinthians 6:18 - 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
  • Matthew 19:8-9 - 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
  • Matthew 5:27-28 - 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
  • Leviticus 18
The Bible is clear. Pre-marital sex, pornography, lustful looking, adultery, orgies, etc. are all sins, transgressions of God's Law. The Law, the Old Testament, shows us that we have failed to live up to God's standard, but fortunately, God sent His Son (a Person of the Trinity), Jesus Christ to die on a cross 2000 years ago for yours and my sin, so that if we have faith in Him, our sins might be forgiven and we may have eternal life! Now that is a love that lasts.
Though we obtain salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, we are still tempted by the Devil to return to former ways. God will sanctify us and make us more like Christ but we have to cooperate in this sanctification process.
Below is some information and a plan of action, to help you find relief from the temptations of the flesh. I pray a prayer, that we all might be released from the grip and slavery of the vice of pornography and sexual immorality.
N.B. if you are using a mobile smartphone, when you reach the tables below, you may have to scroll left to see all the columns.
SHORT TERM KNOWLEDGE In the fight against sexual immorality, I believe it is helpful to break the fight down into short term and long term knowledge and strategies.
1. Learn about the Addiction Cycle
https://preview.redd.it/jh5rxumcrfq41.png?width=246&format=png&auto=webp&s=002f690a373a8abb77ec97ec07ae265d8f83f5ac
2. If you suffer from porn-induced OCD, learn some management techniques
  • The Schwartz OCD 4 Steps Rule: https://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php
  • When compulsions arise, recognise that nothing happens if you refuse to act. Nothing dreadful is going to happen to you. Just allow the thought to pass over your mind, through one ear and out the other. It may help to visualise this.
3. Recognise that you are NOT alone in your struggle
1 Cor. 10:13 - 13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
  • "In terms of basic results, they found that 73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents. For porn use within the last week, the numbers were lower: 80 percent of men and 26 percent of women." Psychology Today
  • "Thirty-seven percent of male clergy of various faith traditions report Internet pornography as "being a current struggle," and 57 percent of that group report compulsive Internet pornography use, according to a paper, "The Internet and Pornography,"" NCR Online
  • Know that there are many testimonies of people that have overcome their dependency to internet pornography. These can be found on YouTube or websites through a simple Google search.
4. Recognise that you have been born into a cultural war. The Sexual Revolution, starting in the 1950s, has gathered pace and forced our parliaments to change its laws so that we, later descendants, would be burdened down by sexual immorality and vice. Despite previous generations allowing this sin, we must take responsibility for our own actions. A brief overview of the key events in the Sexual Revolution: https://preview.redd.it/2pl55tc2sfq41.png?width=544&format=png&auto=webp&s=d1af06aba49fd1e9062104900bf44c4440cf452b
5. Tell and involve a trusted friend, church member? Although this is not a necessary step, many people have found this a healthy thing to do. Your friend may also struggle with the same problem and both of you may benefit be confiding in each other. Older church members may be able to give you good advice, however, it should be noted, that few of them will understand totally your predicament as porn was not so readily available back then and people did not really talk about sexual matters. Church counsellors are a safer bet, as they won’t attend your church and are likely to have no barriers when it comes to talking about sexual matters.
6. Recognise that you are most at risk when you are H.A.L.T. S. – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed
7. Research the Allen Carr MethodPMO EasyWay book download - an introduction to the general method (applied to smoking in the video, but it is equally applicable to PMO) can be found here.
Myth Truth
“PMO’ers need willpower to quit” Allen Carr's EasyWay requires no willpower
“PMO relieves stress” PMO increases stress
“PMO helps me to concentrate” PMO impedes concentration
"PMO helps me sleep" PMO worsens the quality of sleep
“PMO relieves boredom” PMO increases boredom
Stress, lack of concentration, sleep deprivation and boredom are, according to the Addiction Cycle above, all triggers for PMO.
Postorgasmic illness syndrome (POIS) symptoms:
  1. General : Extreme fatigue, exhaustion, palpitations, problems finding words, incoherent speech, dysarthria, concentration difficulties, quickly irritated, cannot stand noise, photophobia, depressed mood
  2. Flu-like : Feverish, extreme warmth, perspiration, shivery, ill with flu, feeling sick, feeling cold
  3. Head : Headache, foggy feeling in the head, heavy feeling in the head
  4. Eyes : Burning, red injected eyes, blurred vision, watery, irritating, itching eyes, painful eyes
  5. Nose : Congestion nose, watery/runny nose, sneezing
  6. Throat : Dirty taste in mouth, dry mouth, sore throat, tickling cough, hoarse voice
  7. Muscle : Muscle tension behind neck, muscle weakness, pain in muscles, heavy legs, stiff muscles
The realisation of Allen Carr is that the act of smoking/PMO/drug taking etc. creates the (POIS) symptoms with which the next cigarette/orgasm/injection etc. relieves. Therefore, the best time to stop is not tomorrow or next week, but rather today.
Strategy
  1. Register using an email
  2. Create a Custom Goal e.g. NoPMO, NoFap etc.
  3. Set the length of the goal e.g. 7, 14, 21 days etc. (above 27 the better)
  4. Set a stake e.g. £50/goal or £5/week
  5. Set a daily reminder on your phone e.g. "stickK - nofap - £5"
  6. Optional: get someone to become your Accountability Partner (AP)
  7. Use the Journal Log to document your progress
  8. When the goal is completed, consider starting a new one, that is much longer
  • Install blockers on internet browsers e.g. Foxfilter, Blocksite, Adult Blocker
  • Leave seductive social media e.g. Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Tinder, etc.
On Streaks:
The success of a streak is not the length but rather the quality. During a streak, you should occupy yourself as much as possible, either in work, studies, outdoors etc; Isaac Newton; "The way to chastity is not to struggle directly with incontinent thoughts but to avert the thoughts by some imployment, or by reading, or meditating on other things"
  • Never put faith in the length of your streak as pride will follow. "Pride commeth before a fall."
  • Expect relapses early on. The pleasure-centre of the brain takes time to recover.
On Relapsing
“Assurance grows by repeated conflict, by our repeated experimental proof of the Lord’s power and goodness to save; when we have been brought very low and helped, sorely wounded and healed, cast down and raised again, have given up all hope, and been suddenly snatched from danger, and placed in safety; and when these things have been repeated to us and in us a thousand times over, we begin to learn to trust simply to the word and power of God, beyond and against appearances: and this trust, when habitual and strong, bears the name of assurance; for even assurance has degrees.” John Newton
  • Pray and ask for forgiveness but appropriate the forgiveness that comes through Christ. Emotion is understandable but don't give way to wallowing in self-pity (this will only allow Satan to gain a foothold). Upon confession, try not to dwell upon the setback again, trusting that God really has forgiven you, as His Word declares He will.
  • Read through Psalm 51 and meditate on its truth.
  • Don't be tempted to think that relapse eliminates all progress; freedom and assurance is acquired slowly for many.
  • Try not be tempted to think that because you have relapsed that you can do so again.
  • Try not think too much about the length of the streak.
On Nocturnal Emissions ("wet dreams")
As the length of the streak grows, the chance of a nocturnal emission increases.
I am of the opinion that such an occurrence is not a relapse, as it is involuntary, regardless of whether is was accompanied by a lustful dream or not.
One must be careful not to allow such an occurrence to tempt one to a deliberate relapse. After a few days, the immediate memory of it will pass, setting back on course again. However, if you are not married, and will not be for some time, you will have to learn to live with these happenings.
LONG TERM KNOWLEDGE To truly stay away from the evils of pornography and masturbation, one needs a deeper understanding of the problem.
1. Meditate on the Western concept of nudity. This may seem an odd remark but I believe this thought may prove of use. In more primitive societies, especially ones that are hot, women tend to not wear many clothes, therefore exposing their legs, arms and breasts. Now, because this was and still is their cultural norm, the men in those societies were and are less stimulated by the images of female nudity, than we are in the West, where the norm is where women cover the bodies, thus creating a taboo out of nudity. Now, I am neither endorsing one or the other, because clothing is often solely linked to the environmental climate in which people live, but I am saying that our Western reaction to nudity is somewhat socially and cultural constructed.
2. Meditate on the loneliness of the act. If this were a normal behaviour, why does one feel uncomfortable doing it in public? Why does one do it often in the dark, away from others? Is it because our subconscious knows that it is wrong? This rule can apply to most things: if you would not be willing to do it in the open, do not do it.
3. Contemplate the evils of the industry. Many people think that the porn industry and the sex trafficking industry are completely separate, however, this is not true. By watching pornography, you are generating demand, through your views, for more underage women to be exploited in horrific ways (note, we acknowledge that not all porn is non-consensual). As Christians, we should run a million miles away from industries that make profit from devaluing any humans, who are ALL made in the image of God, and who all deserve a chance at life, where they don't have to carry sexual guilt and shame around for the rest of their life, not to mention, the disease they could contract. Additionally, porn can rob childhoods. Studies show a 1-in-14 chance of a child typing in a misspelled URL and stumbling upon a porn site by accident.
4. Consider the owners and producers of hard-core pornography
Below is a list of some not-so-pleasant people who are owners of the top global pornography sites. Investigate and read for yourself if you want, what kind of people they are and whether you want to be under their influence.
  1. Al Goldstein
  2. Ouissam Youssef
  3. Feras Antoon
  4. Stephane Michael Pacaud and Deborah Malorie Pacaud
5. How pornography warps perceptions of intimacy
Peggy Orenstein: “Porn is much more accessible, and at much younger ages. Because there’s so much of it, and because it’s trying to be competitive with itself to get more viewers, it becomes more extreme. It presents an image of sexuality that is about as realistic as pro-wrestling and an image of women and women’s bodies and women’s pleasure that is about as accurate as ‘The Real Housewives’ is to marriage… Everything in porn is a performance, and it’s encouraging girls to see sex as a performance and boys to see girls’ sexuality as a performance.”
Exploitation:
Organisation Findings
International Labor Organization (ILO) 4.5 million people are trapped or forced into sexual exploitation globally.
Thorn In one survey, 63% of underage sex trafficking victims said they had been advertised or sold online.
ILO While only 22% of global trafficking victims are trafficked for sex, sexual exploitation earns 66% of the global profits from human trafficking. The average annual profit generated by each woman in forced sexual servitud ($100,000) is estimated to be six times more than the average profits generated by each trafficking victim worldwide ($21,800)
Rescue:Freedom In 9 countries, 49% of sexually exploited women said that pornography was made of them while they were being sold for sex.
Below are some scientific and scriptural reasons, backed up by evidence, that show pornography to be a menace to our bodies, minds and souls.
Scientific:
Reason Evidence
Postorgasmic illness syndrome (POIS) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postorgasmic_illness_syndrome
It could lead to escalation in genre and potentially to acting out (i.e. doing what you view) https://fightthenewdrug.org/why-consuming-porn-is-an-escalating-behavio
It increases social anxiety and weakens your confidence https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/is-porn-making-my-social-anxiety-confidence-depression-anxiety-ocd-bipolar-worse/
It will ruin intimacy in marriage https://www.verywellmind.com/is-pornography-destroying-your-marriage-2302509
It can triggeaggravate depression, particularly if the content is traumatic to the viewer https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201111/can-pornography-trigger-depression
It increases the concentration of DeltaFosB in the brain, leading to dependency and mental impairment https://www.nhs.uk/news/neurology/watching-porn-associated-with-male-brain-shrinkage/
It may decrease your testosterone levels which could cause erectile dysfunction, reduced bone mass, hair loss etc. https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/any-connection-between-orgasm-abstinence-and-testosterone-levels/has-too-much-masturbation-decreased-my-testosterone-levels/ and https://www.healthline.com/health/side-effects-of-low-testosterone
It may cause ‘sex headaches’ and abdominal aches https://www.jonbarron.org/article/pornography-headaches
Scriptural:
Reason Evidence
It can lead to other sins Romans 1:28-31
Your inheritance in the kingdom of God is at stake Galatians 5:19-21
It will rob you of your peace Psalm 119:165
It will diminish your assurance of faith 2 Cor. 13:5
You sin against your own body 1 Cor. 6:18
You will grieve the Holy Spirit Ephesians 4:30
It could sear your conscience 1 Timothy 4:2
Strategies 1. Cultivate a practice of theological thoughtfulness
  • Think of yourself in old age. Will you be pleased with yourself for doing such actions? Will you want to look back on your life, and wish you had lived a life of obedient faith more?
  • Think of yourself stood before Christ, to receive reward for the deeds done in the body. Are you positively contributing positively towards your treasures in Heaven?
  • Think upon the power of God and the forgiving power of Christ and how greater they are when compared to the power of darkness and Satan
  • Consider the physical and social consequences of such actions
  • Consider the immediate spiritual consequences of such actions
  • Consider that we may be close to the return of Christ and how we should want to receive Him and be received by Him as a holy people
2. Memorise relevant scriptures
  • Romans 8:1
  • 1 Corinthians 6:18
  • 1 Corinthians 6:11
  • John 6:37
  • Hebrews 2:18
3. Exchange lies for truth
Lie Truth
“God is stingy” God is good – Deuteronomy 10:12-13
“Sinful pleasures are fulfilling” Sinful pleasures are fleeting – Hebrews 11:24-26
“People are objects” People are image bearers – Genesis 1:27
“Sexual sin is harmless” Sexual sin is defrauding – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6
“I can turn back to God whenever I want” You may harden your heart to such a point that you don’t want to turn back – Hebrews 3:13
“My past defines me” Christ’s blood defines you - 1 Corinthians 6:11
“I have no option but to give into temptation” God provides a way of escape – 1 Corinthians 10:13
4. Join/follow online communities that encourage you in your faith
I would caution by saying, make sure that they are theologically sound (traditional ethics and theologically Protestant) e.g. Facebook groups, Reddit subs (although be careful with this one)
5. Make a ‘covenant with your eyes’
Job 31:1-4 - 1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin? 2 What would be my portion from God above and my heritage from the Almighty on high? 3 Is not calamity for the unrighteous, and disaster for the workers of iniquity? 4 Does not he see my ways and number all my steps?
6. Make a practice of prayer and confession
Relationship with Christ, is developed and cultivated through prayer and confession. Although Christ has forgiven every sin at the Cross, we still need to confess our sins before Him (1 John 1:9). You will feel so much better after giving the burden of sin to Christ.
7. Individuals who struggled with lust but gained victory:
Summary
  • If one is to live, one should live a peaceful and clean life
  • Sex is not our god, but rather we serve the creator God, I AM
  • One is not alone in this struggle, and your struggle with sin is a good sign
  • We are in the midst of a cultural war, that started probably before we were born. And this cultural war is really the earthly manifestation of a battle in the heavenlies.
  • Willpower is not required to defeat this "learned habit". Once one realises that relapse creates the symptoms for the next relapse to "relieve", one realises the game and trick that has been played on them, and can then gain victory.
  • Hunger, anger, loneliness and fatigue are possible vulnerable states.
  • NEVER place pride in one's streak. However, once one passes the three week mark, things become noticeably easier and better.
  • Recall the evil of the industry. Does one want to contribute towards this?
  • Recall the Addiction Cycle. Recognise the reality of this.
  • Recall the health consequences, mental and physical: depression, lower self-esteem, guilt, escalation in content, loss of intimacy, loss of peace, diminishing of faith etc.
  • Exchange lies for truth, using scripture as a standard.
  • Use StickK and ALWAYS put a money stake up. If money is used, you are more likely to achieve your goal.
  • Recognise that many believers in the past struggled with such lust, overcame it, and became famous believers, with a close relationship with God.
  • Believe Christ really is the bread of life: “whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life” (John 6:47-48).
Concluding Quotes: "Sex was designed by God to be linked to procreation and marriage. It was not meant to be a full-time obsession."
"Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society... If God is dead, somebody is going to have to take his place. It will be megalomania or erotomania, the drive for power or the drive for pleasure, the clenched fist, or the phallus, Hitler or Hugh Hefner." Malcolm Muggeridge
Pornography. Literally, the writing of harlots; the depiction of erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual excitement. Since sex is of almost universal interest, allusions to it are legitimate and necessary if dramatic or literary descriptions of human life are to be truthful or educative; but an enormous market exists for those who exploit sex for gain. Psychologically, the over-stimulation of imagination by sexual images renders the whole personality oversexed by disproportionately concentrating thought and desire, often to the point of pornographic addiction; it coarsens feelings and attitudes toward the other sex as tools for sexual indulgence, unrefined by affection, tenderness, or respect; it inverts the sex drive into sterile, self-absorbed, physical pleasure alone - "mental masturbation"; and because over-stimulation brings diminishing effects, it leads readily to mental indulgence in increasingly coarser, sadistic perversions - "hardcore" pornography.
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2020.10.18 06:47 BrainSlug2999 Free online live sex videos

Sorry for the long post- I kinda went crazy here and wrote my whole life story. I feel like the context is necessary to understand the situation.
Hey everyone. I don’t know if I count as a late bloomer (22), but I relate more to you ladies and your experiences than I do on any other subreddits.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We met when my college roommate first moved in (he was helping her move things in along with some other friends). We hit it off pretty well, we were both into video games and he’s a really sweet guy. Around this time I had a sexual identity crisis and ghosted him (I know that’s messed up, and I accept that it was rude and a mistake and that I was wrong to do it). However, we ended up reconnecting later on. At that time, I identified as a lesbian and was dating girls exclusively. I had a rough time dealing with MDD and alcoholism that semester and decided to drop it, so I had plenty of free time. I basically ended up living out of his apartment in his bedroom and we became really really close. I had a big crush on my previous roommate (the one I met him through) but she was straight as an arrow. Eventually she decided to kiss me (don’t ask me why, but i wasn’t complaining) and he happened to be there. He was fully aware that I was not looking for a relationship with a man and that I was crushing hard on her (she turned out to be really toxic and we are no longer friends). He got mad and left, and later told me he was driving his car 100mph down the streets in the area. I continued to date girls until I had a particularly bad experience with a girl I went on a date with. After our first date, she walked me home. The next day I told her I had a good time but that I wasn’t really interested in continuing the relationship, and she went crazy. She waited outside my apartment for hours and spam called and texted me. I wasn’t doing well with my then platonic bf, so I stayed at another friends apartment for the day until another friend told me the coast was clear. I told her through text that she freaked me out, and she apologized and never bothered me again. That experience caused me to give in to my now bf, and the next semester I moved into the extra room in his condominium. We had a really really close relationship. I’m embarrassed to say that I was definitely co-dependent (and still basically am). We really did click and got along super well. I started to do really great in school and I felt safer and more comfortable. However, our sex life was traumatic for me. I couldn’t have sex without crying or feeling disgusting. I always assumed it was because of my extremely conservative catholic upbringing, but I realize now that I am either not sexually interested in men or am asexual (I’ve never “been with” a girl, so I don’t know). Now that we graduated, we are living at my parents house (yes he lives in my parents house with me as well) because of his extremely toxic family. His family treats him like shit and pushes him around (example: his dad gave his 30-something year old sister his bedroom, even though he knew he was going to move back home after college, because she was too lazy to clean up her own room to teach her online class. His room smells disgusting now and her stuff is everywhere). I’m at the end of my rope. I feel like a guilty POS for living a lie. I wanted a simple easy life and figured I could just pretend or fool myself into believing that I liked men because my family and the world would accept me. But now I’m depressed, back to drinking every day, and can’t find a job or push myself to work on my writing. I’m in the process of preparing to apply for graduate school (although I plan to wait until Covid is over to actually apply) and he recently got a shitty job as a car salesman where he works 12 hours a day, six days a week, for what is basically minimum wage. I can’t take this anymore. I love him, am VERY attached, and have no friends other than him. I am completely and utterly alone. I feel trapped. On one hand, I don’t want to hurt him or lose him (or make him want/have to live at his house because of Covid), on the other hand I am starting to have suicidal thoughts and am drinking myself into oblivion. It’s not so simple as breaking up with him because I will be left with no one. I need someone to tell me what to do or how to talk to him. I feel so lost and scared.
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2020.10.16 19:03 SorasPrecious Free online live sex videos

I’m biologically a 30 year old male, I live in a place where I don’t really hang around with those of my age because I don’t enjoy the things that they do, it’s a pretty traditional country where religion is very traditional and I’m not very much a religious person myself. I really really enjoy hanging out with females more than males like me. I don’t talk about the things that they like because they always talk about stuff like football, sports, cars, and women. I talked to a few men before and we were good friends because I DO love video games and gaming culture and they liked older games but we talked out of memories for it. But that’s pretty much it, the only male friend I had is this cousin of mine, he was also my childhood friend and he loves video games too but he doesn’t talk to me or contact me anymore. I do hang out with ppl sometimes but they’re only my nieces and nephews and they’re just kids, I’m like 10 to 15 years their senior, but I enjoy talking to them and hang around with them because they enjoy gossiping like me, they don’t like video games that much though. But at least I still have some similar interests with them. My father always tells me that I should hang out with men my age, but I don’t enjoy it because I can’t be myself around them. I feel like I’m SO incredibly restricted from being myself because I’m not allowed to act or talk about things men shouldn’t be talking about, like gossiping, celebrities and stuff like that and obviously not talking about dudes. The only thing I could talk about is video games and the culture of it but not everyone loves gaming culture here. I only had 2 female friends I used to talk to about these things but none of them are my friends now. It’s a very segregated place as well gender-wise and the norm is basically females hanging out with females and males with males. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My father always tells me that all my nephews and nieces are going to grow older eventually and they’ll not ask about me or talk to me anymore because they’re gonna be so busy with their own lives. I’m also gay if that’s something important to add or something. I really like dates and most of the time whenever I see couples on instagrams, (especially gay couples), I get really depressed and sad. Sometimes I want something like this for myself, I even get incredibly jealous. And sometimes not in a good way because I always tell myself that I’m a “good person” and that I deserve to have a guy in my life. I live in a society where being gay isn’t really a normal thing and whoever practices it sexually, does it very discreetly. There are gay apps that I use online but literally 98% of the guys want to meet me for sex. It’s so hard and energy-draining for me because all I want is a cup of coffee and a casual meet up, I really believe the best way to start a relationship gradually is to become friends first, I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable having sex with a guy I JUST met, most guys do that with no problem, I just find it EXTREMELY hard. I can’t imagine myself being in bed with a guy I JUST literally met or started talking to, I don’t know ANYTHING about him and sometimes I wonder how it would be okay with these guys to just be in bed with a random stranger they just met. It’s SO hard for me to start anything with a guy using the hookup method first. Wondering even if he’s ever gonna call me or stay in touch with me after that sex. I just want to be friends with someone, but none of the men here want to even meet in a public place. They always want to either go to each other’s places and start getting hot for each other. It’s just hard for me to do that. I don’t have any friends, literally. I am 30 years old and the only ppl I hang out with are my younger nieces but they’re busy with their own lives with ppl THEIR ages. And the only thing I usually do is wait and hope for a day when they’re free so I can hang out with them. They’re cool with me being gay, unlike my older family. I’m 30 years old. I literally have 0 friends and I’ve been single literally for 30 years of my life. Literally since I’ve been born, and I never had any relationship before. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I had some friends but I lost them easily because friends literally come and go. I do want to spend time with my sisters but whenever they have their own female friends coming over, I have to leave because I’m male and I can’t be with them and talk to them because it’s all according to them “girl talk” only and they don’t feel comfortable. Even I really really enjoy these girl talks, but they don’t like it when I’m around so I have to leave. I end up sitting in my room all day doing nothing, just playing video games and use my social media like instagram and stuff. If it honestly weren’t for the internet, I don’t even know how I would have be living my life. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Sometimes I keep telling myself that I will find someone, I even make a lot of effort talking to guys globally just to hope to be friends with them cyber wise. But I know having endless chats is not something many of these guys like. So I end up being alone again. And It’s just so hard to find any guy friends here because they just don’t have the same interests as me. I’m so sad, it’s so tiring, this whole thing keeps on repeat and I’m so tired of experiencing the same thing over and over again every single day of my life. because I know I’ll be like this for the rest of my life. So being lonely is sad.
I don’t know.
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2020.10.16 19:01 SorasPrecious Free online live sex videos

I’m biologically a 30 year old male, I live in a place where I don’t really hang around with those of my age because I don’t enjoy the things that they do, it’s a pretty traditional country where religion is very traditional and I’m not very much a religious person myself. I really really enjoy hanging out with females more than males like me. I don’t talk about the things that they like because they always talk about stuff like football, sports, cars, and women. I talked to a few men before and we were good friends because I DO love video games and gaming culture and they liked older games but we talked out of memories for it. But that’s pretty much it, the only male friend I had is this cousin of mine, he was also my childhood friend and he loves video games too but he doesn’t talk to me or contact me anymore. I do hang out with ppl sometimes but they’re only my nieces and nephews and they’re just kids, I’m like 10 to 15 years their senior, but I enjoy talking to them and hang around with them because they enjoy gossiping like me, they don’t like video games that much though. But at least I still have some similar interests with them. My father always tells me that I should hang out with men my age, but I don’t enjoy it because I can’t be myself around them. I feel like I’m SO incredibly restricted from being myself because I’m not allowed to act or talk about things men shouldn’t be talking about, like gossiping, celebrities and stuff like that and obviously not talking about dudes. The only thing I could talk about is video games and the culture of it but not everyone loves gaming culture here. I only had 2 female friends I used to talk to about these things but none of them are my friends now. It’s a very segregated place as well gender-wise and the norm is basically females hanging out with females and males with males. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My father always tells me that all my nephews and nieces are going to grow older eventually and they’ll not ask about me or talk to me anymore because they’re gonna be so busy with their own lives. I’m also gay if that’s something important to add or something. I really like dates and most of the time whenever I see couples on instagrams, (especially gay couples), I get really depressed and sad. Sometimes I want something like this for myself, I even get incredibly jealous. And sometimes not in a good way because I always tell myself that I’m a “good person” and that I deserve to have a guy in my life. I live in a society where being gay isn’t really a normal thing and whoever practices it sexually, does it very discreetly. There are gay apps that I use online but literally 98% of the guys want to meet me for sex. It’s so hard and energy-draining for me because all I want is a cup of coffee and a casual meet up, I really believe the best way to start a relationship gradually is to become friends first, I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable having sex with a guy I JUST met, most guys do that with no problem, I just find it EXTREMELY hard. I can’t imagine myself being in bed with a guy I JUST literally met or started talking to, I don’t know ANYTHING about him and sometimes I wonder how it would be okay with these guys to just be in bed with a random stranger they just met. It’s SO hard for me to start anything with a guy using the hookup method first. Wondering even if he’s ever gonna call me or stay in touch with me after that sex. I just want to be friends with someone, but none of the men here want to even meet in a public place. They always want to either go to each other’s places and start getting hot for each other. It’s just hard for me to do that. I don’t have any friends, literally. I am 30 years old and the only ppl I hang out with are my younger nieces but they’re busy with their own lives with ppl THEIR ages. And the only thing I usually do is wait and hope for a day when they’re free so I can hang out with them. They’re cool with me being gay, unlike my older family. I’m 30 years old. I literally have 0 friends and I’ve been single literally for 30 years of my life. Literally since I’ve been born, and I never had any relationship before. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I had some friends but I lost them easily because friends literally come and go. I do want to spend time with my sisters but whenever they have their own female friends coming over, I have to leave because I’m male and I can’t be with them and talk to them because it’s all according to them “girl talk” only and they don’t feel comfortable. Even I really really enjoy these girl talks, but they don’t like it when I’m around so I have to leave. I end up sitting in my room all day doing nothing, just playing video games and use my social media like instagram and stuff. If it honestly weren’t for the internet, I don’t even know how I would have be living my life. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Sometimes I keep telling myself that I will find someone, I even make a lot of effort talking to guys globally just to hope to be friends with them cyber wise. But I know having endless chats is not something many of these guys like. So I end up being alone again. And It’s just so hard to find any guy friends here because they just don’t have the same interests as me. I’m so sad, it’s so tiring, this whole thing keeps on repeat and I’m so tired of experiencing the same thing over and over again every single day of my life. because I know I’ll be like this for the rest of my life. So being lonely is sad.
I don’t know.
submitted by SorasPrecious to Vent [link] [comments]


2020.10.15 20:41 bubble_tea_93 Free online live sex videos

I feel that I need to vent about what happened.

Him and I were together for 8 years, living together for 4, and we have a dog. Our entire relationship he lied to me about little things and he always had walls up. The relationship felt very one-sided, whenever we hang out or go anywhere or do anything, I could never get his opinion. He would always just say, "I want to do whatever you want" or "I don't know". So I often spent a lot of time deciding on things to do that I thought we would both like, but was never really sure what he truly felt. Other than that, he was amazing in every way. He did so much for me and my family, he was so gentle and calm, so understanding and easy going. He was such a good person, so I looked past the lying and indecisiveness. I know that I am not perfect either and I have flaws about myself too, and I wanted to accept him for who he is rather than try to change him. I was ok with being the decision maker, and even though he lied to me about little things I still trusted him. I saw the good in him. I never thought he could lie about something so big.

We had many serious conversations about what we want for our future, and agreed that we both wanted to get married one day, own a dog, and have kids. However, in January 2020, he told me that he's not sure anymore if he wants kids. I gave him 6 months to think about what he wants, because kids is a deal-breaker for me. After 6 months, I asked him if he decided whether he wants kids or not. He admitted that he didn't give it much thought because even thinking about it gave him anxiety. So I took that as a no, and moved out.

3 days later, he asked me if we can please get back together, and that he would do therapy to work through his feelings. I agreed, but I didn't move back in as I wanted to give him the space he needed to think about things without me being there as a constant reminder. We both went to couples therapy for months and he had a personal therapist as well. We spent thousands of dollars and so much time on therapy.
After several months, he told me that he has decided he wants to have a family with me and that he doesn't want to live without me. He even 'proposed' to me to move back in with him. I thought everything was resolved and I was seriously considering moving back in.

Here is where shit hit the fan...

Sometimes when I feel very sad or overwhelmed I go on drives, and if it gets really bad I'll park at the church beside our house and cry in my car in the parking lot. This one particular night, I felt like going to that church again. As I passed by our house, I noticed a car in the driveway that I had never seen before. I trusted him so much, I parked in the church parking lot and called him. I asked who's at the house, thinking maybe it was a friend or something. He said "no one is at the house, why?"... I immediately knew that he was lying (there was a car in the driveway, like come on!)

I drove back to the house and tried to run inside as fast as I can. As I got inside and was making my way through the house, I heard the back door slam shut. I ran back out through the front, and just as I got outside, the car turned on and the person sped out of the house. Our back fence was wide open.

I asked him what was going on, and he assured me that nothing was going on. He said he was the one who opened the back door because our dog was in the back and barking a lot (Not true, I didn't hear any barking). I told him about the car and he sounded very worried and said it must have been an intruder, and even went so far as to file a police report about it.

Because I didn't actually have any proof of what was happening, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed him. Now here I am thinking someone is trying to break into our home. I told my mom about the car a few days later, and she asked me to describe the car. After I described it, she informed me that my uncle had seen the same car there early in the morning a few weeks back. I then called my partner's mom and asked her, and she told me she had seen it as well several months ago, not long after I moved out. No one thought anything of it, and everyone was telling me to stop worrying.

I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I asked him if he was cheating on me, and he assured me he would never do that. He even held my parent's divorce over my head (my mom cheated) and said to me that he saw how it destroyed our family and scarred us all for life, and that he would never do that to me.

I asked around the neighborhood and someone eventually reached out to me and told me that they saw a girl leaving his house into a car that exactly matched the description that I saw. I knew for sure at this point that he must be cheating.

I broke up with him and moved all my stuff out with the help of family. I told him that I know he cheated. He kept denying it over and over again. As I was moving my stuff out, he even told me "I just want you to know that we didn't break up because I cheated, we broke up because I decided once and for all that I don't want kids".

After several days and a lot of persuading, I finally got him to talk, and it was way worse than I ever could have imagined.

This is what I know:
- He has been cheating on me for the last 3 years, by finding girls online and sexting them, and sending/receiving pictures and videos through a secret snapchat account. He probably messaged hundreds of them.
- One of the girls that he was chatting with turned out to live in the same city as us, and they ended up having a lot in common. They developed into a relationship. They have been together for 1.5 years. She also has a boyfriend. Not only have they been having sex, but they also go on dates. Me moving out gave him the perfect opportunity for him to start having her spend the night with him, which is why the car was seen so many times by so many people.
- I did my own snooping on her afterwards and learned that she's child free, which is what I think prompted him to be child free. She also likes going on hikes, which explains why he all of a sudden enjoys going on hikes. She bikes, which explains why he all of a sudden wanted to buy a bike. She has a corgi, which explains why he specifically wanted a corgi when we were looking for a dog of our own. That's right, our own fu**** dog that we chose as a couple, was influenced by her.

Once he told me the truth I asked to please see the snapchat account, and I saw tons of saved messages from them all the way back to October of last year, the day after my birthday.

The part that hurts me the most is, our entire relationship he had walls up with me. He rarely wanted to have sex with me, never wanted to sext with me, was uncomfortable talking about his fetishes even though I assured him over and over that I wouldn't judge, he never gave me any words of affirmation even though that's my love language. He told me all this time that he's just not open in that way, that he doesn't like talking about feelings and that he has a low sex drive. I spent 8 years trying to be accepting of this and to love him for who he is.

It's not even the physical cheating that has broken me. What broke me was reading the way they talk to each other. All his walls are down with her. He confides in her. He tells her all these wonderful things. They have a healthy sex life. He told her that he thinks about her every single second of the day. He tells her that she would be a wonderful wife. He calls her beautiful. Everything that I wanted for 8 years that he was never able to have with me, he can have so easily with her. He is in love with her.

Now, I am here, alone. I can't get those messages between them out of my mind. Even when we talked about it he admitted that he has feelings for her, and he talked so highly of her. He never spoke highly of me in 8 years to anyone. But to me, he was able to speak so highly of her.

I just feel so lost and broken.

I am sorry for the long post, I don't even really know why I am posting this. I think I just needed to get it out of my head. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
submitted by bubble_tea_93 to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.10.15 19:19 FormalWolf5 Another side problem of porn: When hypocrisy becomes the norm

One of the things I've noticed why consuming porn is so unhealthy is that it brings severe psychological discomfort.
I mean I think people, in general, are not aware of the amount of pressure young teens have nowadays.
We have to understand that we live in a society and that the education we get is very relevant to every aspect of life. The future depends on it actually, since only societies built upon healthy individuals are capable of thriving.
But now I will cut to the point: That thing I was talking about at the beginning is that society is forcing extremely hard people (especially young teens) to be hypocritical and to lie to everyone.
This is because, somehow everyone agrees that everyone watches porn, yet it's still a taboo with the rest of the world outside of the internet. So yeah, you might talk about porn with your friends and whatever, but you don't usually talk about porn with someone like your parents, your boss, a friend of a friend, etc. I mean none would go and just openly say: You know what porn video I watched last night? But you would totally talk about sport.
This is because obviously, a great part of society tells us that it's "dirty" to talk about that. But at the same time, that same part of society is trying REALLY HARD for us to watch porn every day as much as possible.
I mean, imagine being someone like me who grew up with his own computer and phone, in a society where everything you can consume its hyper-sexualized, and you DO HAVE HUMAN sex drive, because its the way we are, but its the easiest thing for you to lock yourself in your room and watch porn online.
And since porn is such a huge industry is like it would be horrible to critic them. . OKAY so this is totally ok YET I can't seem to talk about it with anyone? It seems to me that just a few rich elite people are benefiting from psychologically draining people's minds.
Cause if you know anything about mental health you will know that having to have 2 personalities and not being able to be with the people around you the person you are with yourself is one of the most dangerous factors in having an unhealthy mind.
So yeah, great, now we are just raising humans with f*** up minds and we expect that everything goes ok... Ah and, by the way, you have to deal with the economic crisis from 2008 and the one coming from the coronavirus pandemic.
Seriously, guys, the world is going to s**h, we will have to live in the most polarized and broke society in recent history. We will be lucky if whatever you democratic country is doesn't become a totalitarian state like ehem... not saying is not starting to happen
Do you think they would ban porn from the internet? No, they will be happy to have you as a zombie working a sitinky job and giving them all your money, never being able to have your own ideas.
come on! man, what's that s**h in the left trying to normalize every kind of porn because that is also "being free"? You have to be able to have an open conversation
My point is if you are a person under let's say, 40 or 30, it's time to wake the f*** up because you are worried about the wrong stuff. You should worry about not watching porn, being open about it, and contributing to society in a healthy way.
submitted by FormalWolf5 to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.10.15 19:00 normancrane Free online live sex videos

I've started writing this hundreds of times and never gotten to the end. The first few times I tried, I did it on paper in a notebook because the internet hadn't been invented yet. I burned the notebooks. This is the first time I've finished and not destroyed what I'd written. If nothing else, this act of creation without destruction is a small victory to me, but I know you hardly care about that. Nor should you. You should care about what you're about to read because if what I say is true, your generation may be in some serious shit. I'm in my late 70s, no wife or kids, not many friends, and although I'm not quite on my death bed, I'm certainly nearing the end of my life, so my personal stake in this is low, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't weight heavily on my soul in an existential kind of way. We all keep secrets, some darker than others, and this has been my darkest.
The story starts in California way back in the 1960s. For those unfamiliar with that period in history, the one word I'd use to describe it is turbulent. Just imagine the straight-laced world of the 1950s you know from television crashing head-on into what you probably associate with hippie culture, namely radical politics, protest, heavy drug use, rebellion against authority, and conspiracy theories, but also comradery, selflessness, and the genuine belief that it is possible to change the world for the better. I was a university student at the time, so you could say I was in the thick of it, but I wasn't at one of the true hotbed schools like Berkeley. That said, there was almost no way to be young and alive in California and to keep away from the upheaval. It was literally all around you, and it sucked you in. There wasn't a Friday night when you didn't listen to a speech by Abbie Hoffman, take LSD, or hazily conspire to take down the establishment to a background of folk tunes, and then go out to bar where long past midnight some guy in a black suit tried to recruit you for a plastics corporation or the CIA. Or so he said, or so you remembered the next morning.
It was actually at one of these bars that I met my first real girlfriend, whom I'll call Edna. Edna wasn't a hippie, she was in town taking typing classes and working part-time as a receptionist, but like me she had become infatuated with the scene. Edna was only the second girl I'd slept with, and after a few months of going with her I started having trouble maintaining, then even getting, an erection. Back then it wasn't like it is now, when even polite people talk about erectile dysfunction and you can get medication to help with it. Back then there was nothing except a whole lot of embarrassment. At first, Edna and I thought it might be stress or lack of sleep causing my problem, then we suspected alcohol, but despite taking a fairly systematic approach and eliminating the possible causes one by one, we couldn't figure it out. Within weeks, my sex life just stopped. You can imagine how devastating that was to a young man.
Let's rewind a bit. About six months before meeting Edna, I had met a guy named Jerry in one of my political science classes and we'd quickly become friends. Jerry and I would regularly meet up, talk about everything from music and world revolution to UFOs, and generally goof off together, and he'd always have a decent supply of weed for us to smoke and Grateful Dead bootlegs to listen to, which was fantastic. Although I've never had a truly best friend, Jerry was definitely my closest friend during my early student days in California, so he was the person I eventually turned to for help with my sexual problem. I remember that it was late at night after getting stoned immaculate, as Jim Morrison would say, that I told Jerry about my erectile dysfunction. He listened as I struggled mightily through the telling of it, and without laughing or making light of the situation told me not to worry too much, that it would probably go away on its own, but if I didn't want to wait and wanted help now, I should go see a man he referred to as Gerbil.
Gerbil was about ten years older than us, originally from New Mexico and had been studying chemistry at Berkeley until about a year prior, when he'd been expelled after being caught synthesizing hallucinogens in a school lab. Faced with the possibility of going back to New Mexico without a degree, Gerbil had decided to pursue the American Dream instead. He set up his own lab, kept his clientele, and expanded his operation. Drugs, incidentally, is how Jerry had first met Gerbil. And through Jerry is how I met the guy. That's one other unique thing about Gerbil: even compared to the regular paranoiacs, he was paranoid. You couldn't just see him. You had to be introduced by someone he trusted and he had to "vet" you, which included a brief interrogation and sitting silently while he "read your mind." My vetting lasted about half an hour. After it was over, Gerbil relaxed and I explained my problem to him. It was easy because he was like a magnet for deep truths. You wanted to tell him the embarrassing stuff. Long story short, he told me I was far from the first guy to be suffering from this type of condition and that he had a tried and tested solution.
I'll never forget the moment when he held out the pill bottle to me. His smiling, unshaven face, the sunlight streaming in through the dirty windows, and the pills themselves, oblong and delicately off-white in their little glass home. When I asked how much I owed him, he shrugged and said that for a friend there was no cost, then laughed and added that he had more than enough money anyway. After all, he said, he was making truth serum for the CIA. "Just make sure you follow the instructions," he said. "And remember: you were never here."
When I got home, I read the instructions, which had been typed out on a strip of paper and taped to the outside of the pill bottle. They were simple enough but odd: Insert one (1) pill into urethra at least one hour prior to intercourse.
I'll spare you the awkward details of my first time doing the insertion. What you need to know is that the pills worked. God, how they worked! Never before, and never since, have I had an erection as hard and for as long as when I used those pills. In the past twenty years I've tried Viagra and all the others, but nothing even comes close. It was like fucking with the world's most sensitive steel rod, and you could go for hours!
Edna and I sure made up for lost time, but pretty soon Edna wasn't enough. We'd go at it two or three times, she'd call it quits for the night and I'd still be raging to go. I'm not proud of it now, but I started meeting other girls just for sex. Any girls who'd have me, really. At bars, meet ups, between classes, at concerts, everywhere. There was no emotional connection but physically it was bliss. I loved it, they loved it, and I guess later they dubbed it the Summer of Love.
I wish I'd counted how many pills Gerbil had given me, but I didn't. All I knew was that I was going through them like a knife through reheated butter. From what I remember, one pill was enough to last up to forty-eight hours, but I was using them almost non-stop, and the supply was depleting. I was probably addicted. It was after I'd used about half of my initial supply that Jerry asked over coffee one morning whether my "problem" had gone away. I told him it had and more than hinted at how my sex life had exploded, and he told me that was fantastic news. Then he lowered his voice and told me Gerbil wanted to meet up. I agreed, he told me the time and place, and I never saw Jerry again. But I'll get to that in a bit.
Gerbil and I met a few days later in what remained of a hangar on an abandoned airfield. It was beyond city limits, and Gerbil seemed to make a big deal of that fact. He told me he'd recently purchased the land way under value and was planning on building a bunker on it. Because that sounded like just the craziness he'd be into, I took him at his word. When I told him how well the pills had been working and that I wanted more of them, he wasn't surprised. He said he was thrilled and handed me another bottle of pills identical to the first. This time, however, they had a price. But it was the kind of price that wasn't paid in dollars and that made my horny young mind spin with possibilities. Gerbil was organizing a series of orgies and he was giving me the pills in exchange for taking part in them.
Back to Jerry: disappearing for a few days wasn't unusual. He went on benders from time to time during which he'd unreachable and absent from class, but those usually lasted a few days, after which he'd show up groggy and with stories to tell. After a week, I started to worry, but even then it's important to remember the times, both in terms of technology and perspective. We didn't have cell phones you could call anytime you wanted, and it wasn't unheard of for people to "drop out" of society. I had a professor who suddenly disappeared for half a semester, and when he came back he told us he'd gone on a walkabout. Still, I expected Jerry to tell me if he was planning something like that. He'd said nothing and now he was gone. I started asking around but realized I didn't actually know much about him. From what I gathered, he was still enrolled in university and still living at the same address. He just wasn't there.
My relationship with Edna was falling apart at the same time. I was bored with her, and she was getting bored with life in California. She was honest about wanting to move back East, and we both knew I wouldn't be going with her. And although she never said a word about it, I'm sure she knew I wasn't being faithful. Hell, even free love has a cost. I can't say we broke each other's hearts, but I will say that as I've aged, I've imagined more and more often what my life would had have been if we'd stayed together. I went on to love again but I never found a true love. Edna, especially in those early times, may have been the closest I ever got. Ironically, we loved each other most when we couldn't be physically intimate.
The first of Gerbil's orgies that I attended was held in the middle of the desert. There was music, drugs and absolutely no inhibitions. It was the most exciting experience of my life, and I loved it. Gerbil himself was never at the orgies, but almost everyone seemed to know him, at least by reputation. I don't remember how many orgies I ended up going to, but it was over a dozen, each in a different location with new women, many of them intoxicatingly exotic to me. Foreign students, bored housewives, groupies, intellectuals, stewardesses, and wanderers from all around the country and the world: India, Russia, China, Europe, Latin America, everywhere. I still have no idea how Gerbil organized these things or convinced so many women to go to them, but he did, and I must have fucked nearly all of them. The pills were my fuel.
Sometime during this hazy period of hedonistic pleasure, the police found Jerry's body in New Mexico. Apparently he'd hitchhiked all the way down there, spent a few weeks living on a ranch and overdosed on a cocktail of drugs so strong he must have been halfway to heaven by the time his organs failed. Foul play was ruled out, and no one in New Mexico cared if a longhaired hippie had killed himself accidentally or on purpose. There was no funeral as far as I know. About a week after Jerry's death, I received a letter from him in the mail. Judging by the gradual degradation of his handwriting, it had been written in several sittings. Most of it was personal and there was a lot of pain behind the words, but it was the last sentence that has stuck with me because of it's plain brutality. Four words: They've fucked us.
I fucked away my breakup with Edna and the loss of my friend. Orgy after orgy.
It was while sitting in a bar on a hot Wednesday night in the middle of July that I discovered something that chilled me to the marrow of my bones. I was down to my last pill and imagining the best way to take advantage of it, waiting for the perfect piece of ass to walk in through the door. I had a mug of beer in front of me, not my first, and I was absentmindedly walking the pill up and down the tops of my fingers, when suddenly I lost control and it fell straight into my mug. I must have been too drunk to react, because instead of fishing it out, I watched instead as it descended into the murky depths while giving off a spray of infinitely fine bubbles. I didn't know how a pill should react in beer, but something about this reaction seemed off. When it had settled at the bottom of the mug, the pill started shedding something other than bubbles: namely itself. Tiny pieces flaked off and floated to the top, and the pill began to tremble. Soon, dark spots became visible beneath the off-white colour of what I instinctively began to conceptualize as a shell, until the entire casing was gone, leaving only a trembling black insectous creature! Immediately I knew it was organic. Even more: alive! I watched mesmerized as it struggled in the liquid, scurrying towards the edge of the mug but unable to climb the glass sides. Finally, I put my fingers in and lifted it out. It was small but unbelievably hard between my fingertips. I couldn't crush it. I held it briefly against the overhead light, its body wholly opaque, before it slipped out, hit the unswept floor and scurried away. I scrambled after it, much to the cruel amusement of the other patrons, stomping forward on the floor before falling to my knees, but with no luck. It was gone. Returning to my seat, I thought, Just what the fuck have I been pushing into my urethra?
I had no pills and the only evidence of anything abnormal was my own boozy memory, so I had nothing. Except a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was horribly wrong. I tried contacting Gerbil in my usual ways, hoping to get more pills to experiment on and either put my mind at ease ("You hallucinated, idiot.") or get my hands on something I could send to a lab, but all my usual ways were indirect, like asking for permission to speak, and permission was being denied. Gerbil stopped responding. Eventually I grew desperate enough to visit the abandoned airfield, which was the only address of his I knew, but it was empty and unchanged. When I went to the land office and asked about ownership, the clerk told me the land belonged to a man named Beaconfield who was mostly likely long dead. Because I didn't know anyone other than Jerry who'd known Gerbil, I had nowhere else to turn. There's only so many times you can ask a stranger if they know a man named after a small rodent. Eventually you give up.
And so Gerbil was gone, my pills were gone, Jerry and Edna were gone, and soon the 1960s themselves were gone, metamorphosing into a sexless 1970s for me, then the 1980s, 1990s and the new millennium. All as if someone had snapped their fingers. To say my life was dull would be an understatement. I had work, and followed it around the country, but I had little else. Forged at a time when we all wanted to remake the world, I had remade nothing and found myself leading a life of comfortable insignificance. But despite my memories fading, they never completely disappeared, and I spent many evenings wondering, trying to piece together clues, and always unable to shake those four words of Jerry's: They've fucked us. Was I scarred by a friend's suicide? Sure. But it was more than that, often in the form of sweat-inducing nightmares about tiny black insects crawling around my insides.
In the early 2000s, I saw a political ad for a candidate vying for the U.S. Senate. There was nothing unusual about the spot, but a few seconds caught my attention. They showed a series of photos of the candidate as he was growing up, attending school, graduating, etc. In one of them, he was with his mother, and my heart nearly stopped when I recognized her as Edna. I don't know what emotion I felt first, but I settled on hesitant happiness as I jumped online to confirm what my eyes had shown me. Although I didn't find the ad itself, I did find an interview with the candidate, including one with a gallery of photos, and in one of them was the confirmation I was searching for. Edna's face, older but still beautiful, stared at me from behind her son's electable smile. I was breathless. My happiness became joy. It was wonderful not only that Edna had done OK for herself but that she'd done extraordinarily, because it takes a certain kind of success to raise a future statesman.
On election night, I made popcorn, drank beer and cheered on Edna's son as if he were my own. Shortly after the polls closed, CNN projected him as the winner. For one night, my own insignificance didn't matter. I shared secretly in someone else's relevance.
A few months passed in the afterglow of this beautiful discovery. Sometimes I even had fantasies about contacting the senator to offer my congratulations, which would be a reconnection with Edna, but I always knew this was impossible. I was nobody to her, a shadow from the past. She probably didn't even remember me.
The reason why I mention this is two-fold: because I want to write and relive the happy moments, despite their way of decomposing into dread; and because Edna was merely the first of many. Over the next year, I recognized the faces of three other women I'd had sex with in California in the 1960s. I may not have known or recognized their names, but I do have a memory for faces and I was certain about theirs. All three were the mothers or grandmothers of successful people: a politician, the CEO of a pharmaceutical corporation, and a lawyer. What are the chances?
Over the next months and years, I started to actively research the background of anyone who had recently attained a high level of success, or more accurately, a high level of influence: of power. Most were guarded about their pasts, many enigmatic, but some made public just enough of a thread of information for me to pull loose, and whether in photos or on video, what I kept finding were the faces of my former lovers, women I had met while cheating on Edna or, more often, women I'd fucked at Gerbil's orgies.
In time, I realized that the web extended beyond America. I found world leaders, generals, economists, industrialists and policy makers scattered about the globe, yet whose foremothers had all been in California with me! It was insane. I felt insane, wacko like the worst conspiracy nuts I'd met in the 1960s. Yet, just like them, I was convinced I was right, and what was right was too weird to be coincidence.
Today, the people whose mothers and grandmothers I fucked rule the world, and the singular way in which they are all working toward the same goals terrifies me to the very core of my being. To everyone else, they are unconnected individuals. To me, they are connected, and it gnaws at my mind, this question that I know I will never be able to answer: What are they and to whom do they owe their allegiance?
But I no longer search for them. I have accepted reality, and I don't know what difference it makes to know exactly how many of them exist. I still have no evidence. I can't go anywhere with a story relying on an old man's memory of his own LSD-fueled sexual exploits. I've tried, and gotten laughed out of the room. The best reaction is sympathy for being a senile old man whose mind is playing tricks on him about his past. And that's without mentioning my own theories involving parasites, mind control or aliens.
Yet those words: They've fucked us.
How I wish I had been able to hold on to that tiny black creature!
Or stopped myself from putting it in my body.
But I couldn't and now I'm here, posting my story somewhere at least a few people will read it. Maybe you'll believe me, maybe you won't. I don't know if I want to give a warning or a confession, but either way I've done it now. What finds its way to the internet stays on the internet.
I hope for your collective sake that when you find this years later, you'll be able to have a good laugh.
I know I'm not laughing.
I truly believe that in the 1960s I participated in something whose conclusion will be the ruin of mankind.
submitted by normancrane to shortstories [link] [comments]


2020.10.14 13:13 Can_The_SRDine German man literally eats his lover's ass, on porcelain with potatoes and a glass of red wine. In court, he presents a home video showing that his "victim" consented to being killed and eaten. Rammstein writes a song in his honor, but he sues them for violating his intellectual property rights

🎶🤘 Heute treff' ich einen Herrn, / der hat mich zum Fressen gern. / Weiche Teile und auch Harte / Stehen auf der Speisekarte. 🤘🎶
In December of 2002, the small German town of Rotenburg an der Fulda made the news after local computer repairman Armin Meiwes, 42, was arrested and charged with killing and eating a man whom he had met online for sex. This shook the small town: Meiwes had been a beloved member of his community. He often helped his neighbors with everything from car repairs to landscaping, and hosted lively dinner parties (but lest your mouth start to water, there's no evidence that he ever served his guests long pig).
This would've been just another "popular neighbor gets unmasked as a closet psycho" stories, if not for an only-in-Germany twist: Meiwes told investigators that his victim, 43-year-old Bernd Brandes, had volunteered to be eaten. And he had video evidence backing this alibi up!
Meiwes and Brandes had met in 2001 over the now-defunct internet forum The Cannibal Cafe, archived here. Meiwes had been a forum regular under the aliases "Franky" and "Der Metzgermeister" ("the Master-Butcher"), where he had posted ads seeking men who were willing to join him for dinner, with themselves as the main course.
He actually got quite a few responses, and a few men) even met Meiwes to have sex and RP cannibalism fantasies, but nobody had been willing to go the final step, and Meiwes, to his credit, wanted consenting meat. Then one day he posted this fateful ad:

Suche gutgebauten Achtzehn-bis Dreißigjährigen zum Schlachten. ~ Der Metzgermeister ("Seeking a well-built eighteen- to thirty-year-old man to be slaughtered. ~ The Master-Butcher)
He would find that in Brandes, who was reportedly distraught after his girlfriend had dumped him upon learning that he was bisexual. Brandes, pictured here, fell outside this age range by quite a bit, but beggars can't be choosers. A date was set, and Brandes traveled to Rotenburg a.d. Fulda to meet Meiwes on March 9, 2001.
They had sex at Meiwes's farmhouse, and Meiwes reportedly wanted to spend a final romantic weekend together. But Brandes insisted on being eaten right away ... starting with his penis.
To prep, Meiwes gave Brandes a homemade anesthetic concoction of twenty sleeping pills, which Brandes downed with a bottle of cough syrup and half a bottle of schnapps (cf The Independent). Brandes then asked Meiwes to bite his penis off.
But biting a living man's cock off is easier said than done. Here's how LostMediaWiki describes what ensued:
Shortly after his arrival, Brandes, still consenting, requested that Meiwes bite his penis off, although this proved too difficult and it eventually had to be cut off with a knife. Brandes then attempted to eat his penis raw, but was unsuccessful due to its chewiness, prompting Meiwes to fry it in a pan with some of Brandes' fat, combined with additional spices and marinades.
Alas, penis isn't common in cuisine, so there aren't many cookbooks that tell you how to prepare it, and even the best chef in the world is bound to get it wrong on his first try:
Meiwes ended up burning it to the point where it was inedible, after which he diced it up and fed it to his dog. [emphasis added]
Note that Brandes was still alive when the dog ate his junk.
Meiwes then ran a warm bath for Brandes, in which Brandes sat to bleed out. Meiwes read a Star Trek (!) novel during the wait, while checking in on Brandes every 15 minutes or so. After 3 hours of this, Meiwes went into the bathroom, kissed Brandes on the forehead, and stabbed him in the throat, killing him.
Meiwes had mixed emotions the whole time. As he prepared to deliver the killing blow, he tried to ease his conscience through prayer:
"I prayed, and kissed him on the mouth. I picked up the knife -- you can see it on the video -- then laid it aside ... I asked myself whether I should pray to the Devil or God. I prayed to God for forgiveness. I picked up the knife, and after hesitating some more, I cut his throat with it."
Also: "My friend enjoyed dying, death. I only waited horrified for the end after doing the deed. It took so terribly long," he said in court.
He then hung the corpse up with a meathook, butchered it, and prepared a meal. In his words (source again is The Independent):
“I decorated the table with nice candles," he said. "I took out my best dinner service, and fried a piece of rump steak – a piece from his back – made what I call princess potatoes, and sprouts. After I prepared my meal, I ate it. The first bite was, of course, very strange. It was a feeling I can’t really describe. I’d spent over 40 years longing for it, dreaming about it. And now I was getting the feeling that I was actually achieving this perfect inner connection through his flesh. The flesh tastes like pork but stronger.“
According to the above Guardian article, he paired the meat with a red wine from South Africa. Meiwes stored the leftovers in a deep-freeze, and ultimately ate about 20 kg of Brandes' flesh.
Meiwes filmed the entire encounter, getting 4 hours of footage. Importantly, according to investigators Brandes gave clear verbal consent to everything that was done to him, at least until blood-loss had left him too weak to communicate. The tape was deemed so "shocking" that only 19 minutes of curated footage were shown in a private room to jurors. LostMediaWiki) has purported stills from the tape. Of course, they are very NSFL.
Amazingly, Meiwes kept posting ads on, and meeting men through, the forum for over a year after the killing. While he didn't kill anyone else, he bragged about the meal. Here's an ad posted almost 18 months later:
Junger Mann gesucht - Hi, bist du zwischen 18 und 30 Jahren alt und hast einen normalen gebauten Körper, und möchtest du gerne geschlachtet werden, dann kom zu mir, ich werde es machen. Bewerbung bitte mit Angabe von Alter, Größe, und Gewicht, am besten mit Foto. ~ Franky
Seeking young man - Hi, if you are between 18 and 30 years old, have a normal physique, and would like to be slaughtered, then come to me; I'll do it. Please state your age, height, and weight in your application, preferably with a photo. ~ Franky
And a month after that, he responded to an ad posted by one "Hänsel," who (claimed that) he wanted to be roasted alive. It's long and the screencap isn't very legible, so I'll post the text and translation in a comment.
Finally, Meiwes was arrested on a tipoff from an Austrian university student he'd chatted with, who suspected that Meiwes had actually eaten someone (I can only imagine how that conversation must have gone). Some sources state that the student had tipped the police off in July of 2001, but it took the cops until December 2002 to make the arrest.
Meiwes was charged with manslaughter, later upgraded to murder, and "disturbing the peace of the dead" (Germany, at the time, had no laws against cannibalism). He told the court that after eating Brandes, his mental health had become much improved, as had his English proficiency; Brandes had been fluent, and Meiwes believed that he had absorbed this. He's now in jail, where he has become a supporter of the Green Party, and a vegetarian. You can also find photos of young Armin at that link.
Rammstein drama begins here
The world of heavy metal was naturally fascinated by this story. Musical references include:
  • "Eat Me, Drink Me", by (who else?) Marilyn Manson.
  • "Eaten", by Swedish death metal band Bloodbath, probably best known for having once been Opeth frontman Mikael Åkerfeldt's side project. (Mikael had already left Bloodbath, and did not sing on this track.)
  • "The Wüstenfeld Man-Eater", by some shit band from Chicago.
  • And the big one: 2004's "Mein Teil" by Rammstein.
Guitarist Richard Kruspe researched the killing, and concluded that Meiwes's mother had smothered his relationships as a child, instilling in him a desire to fall in love with someone who could never be taken away from him--such as by literally making his lover's body a part of himself. The band had wanted to use footage from the actual slaughter-tape in the video, but it was still in police custody, so they shot their own murder-free tape. 😴😴😴
But by 2006, Meiwes was fed up, and sued Rammstein on the grounds that their single was based on his crimes--effectively claiming that his crimes were his IP. Meiwes also sued to stop the production of a feature film, Grimm Love, starring Thomas Kretschmann (aka Fegelein in Downfall).
Among the grounds for the suit, Meiwes had already sold the rights to his story to the Hamburg-based publishing house Stampfwerk, and was working on his memoirs at the time (NB: German-language source). I don't know what became of the Rammstein lawsuit, but Meiwes actually did postpone the movie's release in Germany until 2010, as in 2006, a court ruled that the film violated Meiwes's privacy and could not be shown.
Unfortunately, the trail runs cold there. Meiwes was serving an 8.5-year sentence when he sued Rammstein, but prosecutors upgraded it to life. However, because this is Germany and he's deemed a low-risk inmate, he is allowed to leave prison on day trips.
The video for "Mein Teil" can still be viewed, Meiwes is still locked up (when he's not taking day trips to wherever cannibals in Hesse go), and Grimm Love was finally released in Germany, so I assume that the case against Rammstein went nowhere.
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