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2017.03.27 23:59 HailCorporateRobot Solo wife hidden cam

Subreddit Title Brand
AskReddit A war breaks out in the United States; every state is mad at every other state. States versus states, last state standing. What states will most likely be early losers and what states are top contenders? United
pics What you get when you ask Taco Bell for "some Diablo sauce" with only two tacos😂 Time to stock my car's console pantry! Bell
Showerthoughts Putting together IKEA furniture as an adult is just like putting together a Lego set as a kid. IKEA
Showerthoughts Putting together IKEA furniture as an adult is just like putting together a Lego set as a kid. Lego
Music Texas Mike Bell - Villanova Junction Blues Bell
Showerthoughts I think one big reason why Google hasn't added extensions to Chrome on Android yet is because of adblock extensions Google
mildlyinteresting My Reddit feed displayed someone being proud of their Swedish meatballs followed by someone commenting how IKEA prices their umbrellas according to the weather. IKEA
OldSchoolCool Peggy Lipton in the 60s Lipton
Music San Cisco - SlowMo Indie Pop Cisco
food I ate Michelin Star winning dish - Carrot Cake served in a plant pot with dry ice display for atmosphere Michelin
funny Mike Tyson has a yard sale Tyson
todayilearned TIL that McDonald's was saved by COD during Lent. Not a typo McDonald's
movies In anticipation for the new Ghost in the Shell movie coming out, here is a highlight reel of the anime. Shell
worldnews A United Airlines agent stopped two girls from flying because they were wearing leggings, Twitter user and activist Shannon Watts said on Sunday, sparking a firestorm of backlash online for policing women’s clothing. United
worldnews A United Airlines agent stopped two girls from flying because they were wearing leggings, Twitter user and activist Shannon Watts said on Sunday, sparking a firestorm of backlash online for policing women’s clothing. Twitter
AskReddit Disney have announced an eBaywatch movie, a cross between eBay and Baywatch, who are the stars and what is the plot? eBay
food Homemade I made a rump roast salad inspired by the Munchies Youtube channel...roasted eggplant puree, quick-pickled zucchini & shallots, fennel, fresh herbs, and rump roast. Youtube
AskReddit Serious Californians of Reddit, if the vote was held tomorrow, would you vote for "Yes California" i.e., to begin the process of leaving the United States? Why/why not? United
AskReddit If ever our technology would enable immortality, like Google or Apple would sell this '' service'' , how should we manage/control this ? Apple
AskReddit If ever our technology would enable immortality, like Google or Apple would sell this '' service'' , how should we manage/control this ? Google
explainlikeimfive ELI5: What would the consequences be if a United States President was Found to have Colluded with a Foreign Power for Election? United
AskReddit If you had an omniscient Google genie whom you could ask any three questions and get a definite answer, what would you ask it? Google
Showerthoughts /answers seems like a great place for anyone who loves asking if you've heard of a Google search. Google
Showerthoughts Nintendo is to video games what Mr Rogers is to television Rogers
gaming Stream movies on Xbox one Xbox
todayilearned TIL Facebook has a feature that auto generates your state and local representatives' Facebook pages and contact info. Very handy. Facebook
funny Taco Bell needs a new PR guy, this baby looks like he had the worst shits after eating their food. Bell
Jokes I heard Domino's Pizza was getting poor Yelp reviews in Italy Domino's Pizza
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news Girls banned from United Airlines for wearing leggings United
AskReddit iPhone users of Reddit, what did you do with those little Apple stickers that came with your phone? Apple
Jokes Mike Tyson had something to tell me... Tyson
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worldnews PepsiCo, Walmart, Starbucks suspend all YouTube ads over offensive content Starbucks
funny When Gucci Mane sees his old self Gucci
news Avalanche hits Japanese school students - BBC News BBC
Showerthoughts Will we ever get away from saying, "I don't know, just Google it"? Google
AskReddit What Fictional Character Real or Animated would you want a president of the United States? United
OldSchoolCool Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson in his wrestling days, 1970s Tyson
Music Texas Mike Bell - Sixth Street Shuffle Blues Bell
videos [Scientists Discover THIS Oil Destroys 90% of Colon Cancer Cells in 2 Days Useful info](
gaming Does Gameplay still matter? I found this kids vid on Youtube to be thought provoking. What do you guys think? Youtube
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funny Remember that time when Chuck Norris made a commercial for Total Gym? Total
nottheonion Two Girls Barred From United Flight For Wearing Leggings United
OldSchoolCool Harrison Ford far right when he was a carpenter building Sergio Mendes’ recording studio, 1970 Ford
Showerthoughts /outoftheloop is the Yahoo Answers of 2017 Yahoo
movies Animated Lenticular poster Ghost in the Shell 2017 Shell
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news Discovery enables 'mass produced blood' - BBC News BBC
videos Why Corporate Youtube channels hv less subscribers than regular youtubers Youtube
mildlyinteresting One of the listed attractions in Detroit according to Google Flights. Ruins Google
AskReddit Who is the United States of America fighting right now and why are we fighting them? United
AskReddit Serious Why are surgeries in the United States significantly more expensive than in other modern countries? United
OldSchoolCool Steve Jobs giving IBM the finger in 1983 IBM
pics Spotted at a McDonald's Drive thru McDonald's
Music Piano Shell - Wedding Pianist in Essex Shell
videos Why Uber Is A Scam - Math Explains Uber
videos Ozzy Man Reviews: Slowest Chase Ever Chase
funny How to Download Taylor Swift's 1989 Apple Music as MP3 Apple
worldnews Russia protests: EU demands release of detainees - BBC News BBC
mildlyinteresting This can of Pepsi has nearly disintegrated Pepsi
AskReddit Serious People who use Apple products and deal with Itunes everyday, How do you cope? Apple
gaming What's a good under rated Xbox one game? Xbox
Jokes The Google car won't use any fuel Google
gaming Steam is for if you can't afford Xbox 360 and you gotta use your school computer Xbox
gaming Collection of rare Xbox devkits. Xbox
todayilearned TIL Coca-Cola created a campaign to promote unity between India and Pakistan by using high-end vending machines which allowed people in both countries to communicate with each other in real-time. Coca-Cola
gaming Collection of rare Xbox devkits. Xbox
Futurology Rollover crash in Arizona causes Uber to suspend entire fleet of self-driving vehicles. Uber
OldSchoolCool Possibly the most 1990's picture ever. Will Smith playing Nintendo wearing Nike Airs. Note the Mariah Carey CD too. Nike
sports Someone at ESPN doesn't like Frank Martin. ESPN
movies Animated Lenticular poster Ghost in the Shell 2017 Shell
todayilearned TIL Coca-Cola owns all 61 URL's from "" to "Ahh+60 more h'" Coca-Cola
TwoXChromosomes After Barring Girls for Leggings, United Airlines Defends Decision United
videos Deep fried NY Strip steak W/ Cowboy Kent Rollins. This dude needs his own cooking show. Kent
gaming Luckiest Target Visit I've Ever Had Target
worldnews Russia opposition leader Navalny jailed - BBC News BBC
Futurology Soon, Flying Taxis Are Going to Be Soaring Through a Sky Near You Sky
listentothis Mandolin Orange -- Wildfire Folk2016 Orange
worldnews Singapore couple jailed for starving Philippine maid - BBC News BBC
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worldnews WhatsApp's privacy protections questioned after terror attack - BBC News BBC
AskReddit What are some good cars related Youtube channels? Youtube
AskReddit For those members not from the US, what is your response when someone makes a comparison between the Roman Empire and the United States? United
funny What Google thinks about everyone Google
funny Even Subway doesn't eat Subway. Subway
AskReddit If Google was invented in the early 1900's, what would some of the top searches be? Google
gaming Err0h - BG Solo Win - 11 kills BG
todayilearned TIL of the Golden Arches Theory which states that no two countries that both had McDonald's had fought a war against each other since each got its McDonald's. McDonald's
AskReddit Redditors who have won a prize in McDonald's Monopoly, what did you win? What did you do with said prize? McDonald's
movies Ghost In The Shell Final Trailer Shell
UpliftingNews 94-Year Old woman Celebrates 44 Years at McDonald's job McDonald's
AskReddit What is the smallest Youtube channel you're subscribed to that regularly posts content? Youtube
food I ate Mousse au chocolat au
news Man arrested for a Facebook message to his daughter violating a no-contact restraining order spends 15 days hurtling across more than 8,000 miles, zig-zagging across 31 states, loses 38 pounds. Facebook
AskReddit What's something you just can't find on Youtube that doesn't violate their policies? Youtube
dataisbeautiful Which US Senators follow each other on Twitter OC Twitter
movies [Ghost In The Shell Final Trailer](
todayilearned TIL the Apple 'i' product line started in the late 90's when Jobs returned to Apple to unveil the iconic transparent iMac. The name referenced the Mac, and the “i” meant internet. But it also meant individual and imaginative. Jobs originally disliked the name but later on, changed his mind. Apple
videos Bird Of Paradise Courtship Spectacle - Planet Earth - BBC Earth BBC
funny Shout-out to Verizon for this hilarious sales chat conversation. What a great employee! Verizon
worldnews 'No evidence' Khalid Masood had links to IS or al-Qaeda - BBC News BBC
todayilearned TIL of the remarkable Japanese tradition of ordering a Christmas Day KFC meal up to weeks in advance, including a cake and champagne! KFC
gadgets Wells Fargo lets you use Apple Pay and Android Pay to withdraw money Apple
news US and UK laptop bans on some Middle East flights come into effect - BBC News BBC
Jokes Is Google a Male or Female? Google
funny Only at the Ardmore, Oklahoma Walmart can you find a lady with a snapping turtle on a leash Walmart
funny Neil deGrasse Tyson doesn't mess around Tyson
pics I guess it's bring your snapping turtle to Walmart day... Walmart
funny What Google thinks about everyone Google
gaming Help with Lego Worlds for PS4? Lego
worldnews Masood mother 'shocked and saddened' - BBC News BBC
funny Even Facebook is saying I need more friends... Facebook
news The 45th President of the United States is a big fan of a particular type of punctuation – but what does this addiction really mean? Philip Cowell finds out. United
AskReddit Besides Trump, who are the most powerful men in the United States? United
movies Collider Exclusive: Sony Developing ‘Venom’ as R-Rated Start to Their Own Marvel Universe Sony
WritingPrompts WP You just got off a 5 hour flight over the span off the United States, starting in Atlanta and ending in Seattle. You are about to meet your brother who moved here, but you decide to use the bathroom first. You then leave the bathroom to realize everyone is gone, then, your brother texts back. United
aww I took some pictures of my fiancée and our cat last night. Google Photos created an animation for me that puts a smile on my face every time I watch it. Google
gaming [LEGO Games 2017 Lego Marvel Avengers Gameplay Part 2
WritingPrompts WP You can't help it--you are constantly interrupting people. In fact, you've probably never heard another person's complete thought. That is, until you end up sharing an Uber with Kanye West. Uber
Showerthoughts When an eBay post has "please read description" in description, I assume it's sketchy and don't read description. I just continue scrolling. eBay
todayilearned TIL BMW built a concept car that could change its shape. The moveable frame is controlled by acutators, which stretch the water-resistant spandex shell, either automatically depending on driving conditions, or at the driver's command. BMW
funny To be fair, it's the best promotion I've ever seen Chase run. Chase
gaming People ask if I prefer Sony or microsoft Sony
explainlikeimfive ELI5: Why is Google giving up on Google Fiber? Google
movies The first A Ghost Story poster from the A24 Facebook page Facebook
TwoXChromosomes Girls wearing leggings banned from United Airlines flight United
funny This is the first Google result for "Why is caillou bald" Google
videos Diamond markups exposed at Tiffany, Cartier and others hidden cam Cartier
todayilearned TIL that the generic silhouette outline placeholder picture in Microsoft Outlook 2010 is actually Bill Gates's smiling mug shot from when he was arrested at the age of 21 for a driving offense. Microsoft
AskReddit If the United States changed to a majority Muslim population how would that change the country? United
funny An older brother's revenge for his younger brother's Facebook hacking? A room makeover. Facebook
news Evansville woman, 94, still going strong 44 years into McDonald's job McDonald's
Futurology Will Uber mirror Yahoo, If its China Rival Didi becomes globally dominant Uber
movies Ghost in the Shell 2017 review Shell
news Two fault zones that were thought to be separate actually make up one continuous fault system running through San Diego, Orange and Los Angeles counties, according to new research. If all the segments of the fault system were to rupture at once, a magnitude 7.4 earthquake could seize the region. Orange
science Two fault zones that were thought to be separate actually make up one continuous fault system running through San Diego, Orange and Los Angeles counties, according to new research. If all the segments of the fault system were to rupture at once, a magnitude 7.4 earthquake could seize the region. Orange
worldnews Canada to legalise marijuana 'by 2018' - BBC News BBC
news Solid gold coin worth $4m stolen from Berlin museum - BBC News BBC
OldSchoolCool My Grandpa, on the left, at the opening of a Coca-Cola storage in Switzerland, 1971. Coca-Cola
AskReddit Have you, or do you know anyone who has won a large prize in the McDonald's Monopoly? McDonald's
Futurology Samsung's High-End Smartphones Brought In Under 30% Of Total Sales In Q1 2017 Total
personalfinance Can my wife and I switch form our Chase Sapphire Preferred credit cards to the no annual fee Chase Freedom credit card? I don't want to close the accounts, but also don't want us each to pay $95/year for cards that don't do a lot for us now. Also, she already has a Chase Freedom credit card. Chase
TwoXChromosomes After barring girls for leggings, United Airlines defends decision United
AskReddit Cab, Uber and Lyft drivers what's the craziest conversation you've heard or situation you've been out in? Uber
news Police 696 forms are 'targeting grime acts' - BBC News BBC
pics This is probably the best auto-awesome picture Google Photos has ever generated for me Google
worldnews Jared Kushner to be questioned over alleged Trump-Russia ties - BBC News BBC
food Homemade S'mores and Apple Cupcakes Apple
AskReddit Serious Why does BBC America fill their schedule with Star Trek, CSI Miami, and other old American shows? Can't they drum up old British shows? Anyone on the inside know what's up with this disappointing channel? BBC
Documentaries Down the Gasoline Trail - The Life of A Drop of Gasoline, From His Happy Days in the Fuel Tank to his Utter Obliteration by a Spark Plug Inside of a Chevrolet Engine 1935 Chevrolet
Music Paul Kalkbrenner - Sky and Sand Techno a beautiful masterpiece, you'll definitely enjoy it! Sky
aww Pupper looking at his favorite UPS guy who just gave him a biscuit. UPS
news Erin McPike: The only journalist on Rex Tillerson's Asia trip - BBC News BBC
Futurology The United Nations is Gathering to Negotiate A Global Nuclear Weapons Ban United
dataisbeautiful Want to know what AirBnB and Uber have in common with us? CLICK to find out more about our industry disruptor system. Uber
movies HTC Teams Up With Warner Bros. for Ready Player One VR Experiences Warner Bros.
food Homemade Salted Apple Cider Caramels Apple
explainlikeimfive ELI5: Mass Effect Andromeda seems like a bad game, but the amount of turbo-hate and ridicule it's receiving on Youtube and gaming websites seems really overwhelming. Did Bioware do something recently that primed everybody on the internet to take revenge on them? Youtube
AskReddit British Folks of Reddit, what is your historical questions about the United States? United
AskReddit Hi Reddit, what app/game on the Google Play store can improve your day to day life? Google
Music Texas Mike Bell - Reminiscing Blues Bell
videos Yoga Pants Banned From United Airlines? The Great United Yoga Incident Breakin It Down United
LifeProTips LPT: Subway sandwiches have an options of "add salt and pepper" below the veggies counter Subway
OldSchoolCool Henry Ford With His 1st Automobile circa 1903 Ford
news Internet erupts after United Airlines boots girls for wearing leggings United
worldnews Muslim Calif, in London, calls London attack an 'affront to Islam' - BBC News BBC
aww Awww he seems so fluffy... credit: Twitter Mashable Twitter
pics I go to the number one Christian university in the United States, these two girls are praying outside the library and this man walks up. GIVE ME YOUR BEST CAPTION. United
personalfinance Are there any balance transfer cards without transfer fees, aside from the Chase Slate card? Chase
funny I go to the number one Christian university in the United States, perhaps the world. These two girls were praying and the man just walked up and gave them the force push. GIVE ME YOUR BEST CAPTION United
Music Ghost Oracle Drive - Human After All genre unknown Oracle
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dataisbeautiful Demographics of Internet and Home Broadband Usage in the United States United
pics Metal object in my Kroger bacon bits. Kroger
gaming "Absolver" 25 Minutes of Gameplay Demo PS4 Xbox One PC Xbox
WritingPrompts WP Instead of the Soviet Union, the United States of America fell in 1991. United
food Found Barbrcued Beaver from Kent Ifland of Junction City, KS Kent
personalfinance I want to invest in Vanguard Target Retirement 2060 Fund VTTSX. What sort of experience do you guys have had with VTRF's? How well do they perform? Please advise. Target
mildlyinteresting This hot sauce packet from Taco Bell doesn't have any writing in the middle Bell
mildlyinteresting Ad by eBay is telling me this item is on sale, but it's from my own store and was never $30.00 eBay
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2015.03.19 00:55 philipsghost The Rorschach Painting

For my high school graduation, the yearbook club sent a couple lower classmen around with a video camera asking everyone what their immediate and five year plans post-graduation were. The footage was quickly edited together and played at the close of the grad night festivities, annoyingly set to Green Day’s Good Riddance. I remember my answer; I said I was going to take one year off from school, enroll in college, and in five years be starting my career as a graphic designer. That was the serious answer. I had a couple joke answers: drug lord, clown, midget pimp. Looking back, I find it funny that my joke answers were tamer and less obscure than what I actually ended up doing five years later. Not once in any dream did I imagine myself as an art thief.
I guess I should explain a little. I initially stuck to my plan on the grad night video; I took a year off from school. I moved in with a group of friends and we all got jobs downtown. My year off bled into two, and then began to look like three. Ruben was my best friend’s older brother. He was kind of a perpetual fuck up. One night he came home in a mood so drunkenly angry, it seemed only fitting for a Greek god. He broke our dead bolt trying to get in, smashed a few glasses pouring himself a drink, and finally passed out in the living room. The next morning, he told us he had been fired from the Italian restaurant he worked at. He wouldn’t accept our condolences, though, he just wanted revenge. And he already had a plan. Apparently, Vertuccio’s got its alcohol delivery every Tuesday night and it sat unattended until 9 AM the next morning. Ruben wanted to steal the whole load.
At first, I declined. Why would I want to help the house idiot pull off his stupidest plan yet? And then I remembered a talk we’d had in our first year, about Ruben wanting to take a year to work between high school and college, where he wanted to study to be a veterinarian. I was following his path. Maybe I needed something crazy and dangerous to kick me out of my rut and into a different path. Once I agreed, it was no trouble to bring in Danny. Philip just sort of did what everyone else did, so he was a given.
Philip surprised us all with his knowledge of lock picking, which was supposedly the product of one of his step-dads. Ruben, the perennial fuck wit, came in handy with his knowledge of the restaurant’s alarm system and camera placement. Danny and I were mostly just lookouts and human forklifts loading case after case of Pinnacle vodka, Perroni beer, fernet, and at least five different kinds of wine.
It was easy. Sinfully easy. We drank like kings for three days until we started to get paranoid. Most of our living room was filled with alcohol cases. If the police came over just on a whim to check out the most recently fired employee’s alibi, we were toast. We needed to move the drink.
Ruben said he might have a friend who had a friend that could buy it from us; a guy he had bought some questionable subwoofers from a few months earlier. Sure enough, Ruben’s guy offered us half the bulk rate for the booze and we ended up with a nice stack of cash to split four ways. We blew it and then tried to forget about how we got it until Ruben’s guy called a week and a half later. He wanted to know if we could help out his cousin by breaking into his house, making it look like his house was looted, and taking everything to a storage facility. The cousin had gotten tired of fighting with his wife and decided to proceed with a divorce, but was afraid to lose his entertainment system and tool collection. At least, that’s what we were told. We didn’t ask any more about it.
From then on, Ruben’s friend started calling us with cheap shit jobs that we could pull with little to no planning; a shipment of Persian rugs here, a palette of Kobe beef there. A year at our new job had made us all happy. We weren’t millionaires or anything, but we had money to go out and freedom that a comparable 9 to 5 wouldn’t give us. It was nice. Ruben moved into his own place – he played a little more fast and loose with his money than the rest of us – while the rest of us upgraded to a nicer neighborhood and an apartment with a couch that girls didn’t shy away from.
Around that time, we got the call. The call that turned us into art thieves. I like thinking of myself in the same league as Thomas Crowne and Danny Ocean, but this theft was from a relatively unprotected personal collection. The house didn’t even have an alarm system. We were still playing at the convenience store knock over level.
Over the year we had been working with him, Ruben’s guy had since taken up talking to Danny. Apparently Ruben’s guy had noticed, like the rest of us, that only one of the brothers got the brains. Sadly for Danny, only one of them got looks, too. Ruben’s guy told Danny we needed to break into a house in a suburb of Montpelier near Hubbard Park. Apparently the person who had placed the job was very particular that only one item was to be stolen: a five-inch tall figurine of a half-man half-jaguar carved from Mexican jade. Ruben’s guy forwarded some pictures to Danny of similar figures and then followed up all the details with the text: ONLY TAKE THE ONE FIGURE. IMPORTANT!!!
The neighborhood in Montpelier was a sleepy one; kids off the street by 7 PM, amorphous light from TVs trickling out between window blinds by 8, and lights out by 9 with few exceptions. We watched the house for a few nights from the cab of a rented U-Haul van until we hit a night when the lone occupant left – dressed in a fancy blue, floral printed shirt and coal slacks – in his Audi, probably heading for the nightlife in Burlington. Three of us hopped out and walked down the street in the direction of the service station from which we had been grabbing dinner the last three nights. We left Danny in the truck as a front-side lookout for the owner or – worse – the cops. Once we got far enough down the street that any nosy mothers-in-law on the street wouldn’t notice us, we made our way to the trash alley that ran behind the houses and headed back for our target.
“So is this supposed to be one of them big titty girls with the butts?” Ruben asked.
“What?” I had no idea what he was referring to or if he even remembered that we were stealing something and not taking candid photos of someone’s cheating wife. The perennial fuckup hard at work.
“The statue. Is it one of those African titty statues?”
“No. Those are fertility statues, we’re looking for a little jaguar figurine. Did you even look at the text Danny sent around?”
“I was about to,” Ruben said, looking around the street. “Fertility. For-tit-city. Right?”
I shook my head, but Philip chuckled a little. I wasn’t sure if it was genuine or just out of kindness.
Philip popped the back door in seconds, as usual. The door opened into a spacious, but cozy den filled with dark woods, flannel patterns, animal skins, and bronze. Several bookcases lined the walls, filled with almost as many trinkets as texts. The entire room had a museum library feel to it, as though the owner may have been a curator at one time. Or fancied himself one.
“I’ll start going through this room,” I said to Ruben and Philip. “You guys want to explore and see if there are any other rooms we need to be concerned with?”
They nodded and moved out. It wasn’t long before Philip shouted from down the hall, “This guy is a serious collector. This whole room is filled with restored antique technology from the 20s and 30s.”
“Room full of art down here. Stacks of paintings in the closet,” Ruben called from further down the hall.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that the cases were organized by type. One wall held fictional goods; first editions of classic tales, an old leather bound copy of Canterbury Tales in what looked like Old English, art prints of famous scenes from some of the books, pens, quills, typewriters. The opposite wall held more scholarly tomes on ancient civilizations, framed hieroglyphs carved into plaster, figurines, statues, teeth, and crowns. I focused on that wall, using the titles on the books to guide me toward Central America. Nestled between a shelf full of Aztec relics – some of which appeared to have fresh blood on them – and a shelf full of small gold pieces and books on the Incan Empire, was a model of an Olmec head, several texts on Mayan and Olmec civilizations, and a half-man, half-jaguar figurine made of flawless, candy-like jade.
“Got it!” I called. “Let’s get out of here!”
Philip rounded the corner immediately, clearly ready to leave, but it took a few seconds for Ruben to waltz into the den. When he did, he was carrying a medium-sized painting under his arm.
“Only one thing, remember?” I asked Ruben, pointing at his prize.
“Hey, man, that rule is just so the dude doesn’t know he was ripped off. This was buried in that closet. He’ll never know it was gone.”
“What is it? Is it worth much? Think your guy will buy it?” Philip asked.
Ruben lifted the painting for us to see. It was shitty modern art. Just some black vomit on a white canvas.
“Nah, it’s just for me. It’s nothing; the guy will never know. I wouldn’t even have been interested, but it kinda changes shape depending on how you look at it. Like those hologram basketball cards, you know?” Ruben said.
“Fine,” I agreed. “Let’s go.”
Back in the U-Haul truck, we headed south toward home. Danny dialed Ruben’s guy to let him know we had the figurine and put the call on speaker so we could all hear.
“Awesome. You guys are great, you know? Real professionals, you know that? I can always count on y’all to get shit done,” said the voice from the phone, not sounding one hundred percent sincere. It felt like smoke was being blown up my ass, especially since Ruben’s guy had never been one to praise our efforts before this. I waited for him to ask us a favor or something.
“So, look, here’s the thing, since you so professional, your buyer wants to pick up the goods directly from you. Leave me out of it. Be more direct and all.”
“No,” I said.
“Who that, Danny? How about you just let Dan talk, you know? Anyway, this guy’s real insistent and shit. Wants to meet you guys, you know?”
“No,” I said again.
“Who is that? Look, he’ll pay double to pick it up tonight. Double. Double for me, double for you. Thing is, if you don’t meet up with him, I’mma feel like you owe me that double. You know?”
I didn’t say anything.
“So how ‘bout it, Dan?”
“Great. Cool. Professional, just like I said. I’mma give him your address, Ruben. Make sure you there at 1 AM. He’ll stop by.”
Ruben’s guy hung up without saying goodbye, like he thought he was in a movie. I didn’t like it. Who knew what this guy was planning? He could show up with a gun or a couple of body builders and leave without paying a single cent. He could be a cop and we’d all walk out of Ruben’s place with new bracelets and a new address. Still, double pay had a nice ring to it. We decided we’d all go over to Ruben’s to wait for the guy in case he was going to try any strong arm shit. If he was a cop, it wouldn’t matter where we were; we weren’t the kind of thieves capable of outsmarting a manhunt.
We ordered a pizza, put on a movie, and waited for the knock. It came around 1:15 AM.
Ruben opened his door to a single, empty-handed figure and we all breathed a sigh of relief. The man was tall, graying, older but sort of boyish in his grin, and dressed nicely. I immediately thought of Anderson Cooper wearing a gray suit instead of his usual black v-neck. We all stood at the open door, the buyer smiling, Danny and I smiling back, Philip looking stoned, and Ruben glaring. No one spoke.
Finally, the buyer nodded once and said, “I’m Mr. Goodtime; I’m here for the figurine.”
“What figurine?” Ruben asked as Danny pushed him backwards from the door, trying to put a hand over the larger brother’s stupid mouth.
“Come on in,” I said, and led the thin grey man into Ruben’s living room. He stood in the center of the room, his eyes calmly searching the surroundings. I couldn’t tell if he was amused or disgusted by Ruben’s bachelor pad, but I could tell that Mr. Goodtime felt out of place.
“I know it must be dreadfully unusual for me to insist I pick up the item tonight, but it really is important that I have it. I also typically use much less… conspicuous means of obtaining items like this but time is important.” He chuckled, to himself as much as to the rest of us. “It’s usually not, but it is right now. Time…,” he seemed to trail of, his eyes going slightly crossed as the focus of his attention moved inside his own mind.
I snatched the jaguar from cabinet in which we had hit it. “Here you are, Sir.”
The gray man stirred, “Ah, thank you.” He turned the figurine over in his hands, running long fingers over the smooth jade surface.
“They call it a were-juguar. The academics do. Like a werewolf on account of the half-human half-feline features. I guess it looks like a were-beast in mid-shift. It actually has nothing to do with shape shifting; the Olmecs didn’t believe that gods or men could shift between faces at will. No, the jaguar men were supposedly bred from female humans and male jaguars. It was ancient genetics. Evolution. Designer babies. Ha!” Goodtime looked at me. “I’m sure that doesn’t interest you.”
I simply laughed and shrugged.
Goodtime removed a fat wad of bills from the pocket of his blazer and tossed them down on the greasy pizza box that sat on the coffee table. “The spoils of your deed, gentlemen. I am in your debt.”
He turned to leave and then jerked to a stop, as if something caught his attention.
“You took only the figurine, correct?” He whirled around on his heels to look in my eyes after he asked the question.
“Yeah. Just the jaguar. That’s it.”
“Promise me.”
“Yeah. Promise.”
“Good. If you are lying and you did take something else, take my advice; burn it. Destroy it some other way if it cannot be burned. Whatever you do, rid yourself of it immediately. The artifacts in that house are not to be played with. The owner less so.” He held my gaze for a long moment before looking around the room, inspecting each member of the crew, staring into them as if trying to sense the truth. He turned again and walked for the door, calling to us over his shoulder, “Thank you, again. You do good work.”
And then he was gone.
Ruben shrugged off Goodtime’s warning and insulted the rest of us for buying to such a ‘baby story.’ He hung the painting in his living room while we all waited around to make sure Goodtime wasn’t going to come back and take his money by force. The picture was just as weird and stupid as I remembered it; black blobs of bullshit atop an otherwise unpainted white canvas. Ruben beamed at his new painting all night until we decided it was safe and left.
Over the next few months we pulled a couple more jobs, but Ruben’s presence was becoming progressively scarcer. I ended up having to read up on security systems online and at the library because we couldn’t rely on Ruben being part of the crew. He sometimes didn’t even go out to the clubs with us to spend our ill-gotten gains. His reasoning was that he wanted to go bigger; our brand of petty theft wasn’t enough. He started working out like crazy, practicing at the gun range, begging his guy to put him on more important jobs like boosting fancy cars or strong-arming people who weren’t paying their debts.
Ruben got his wish after a short time. He became insufferable. I’ve never heard more Scarface quotes in a half hour than when he was around – not even when I was watching fucking Scarface. He kept trying to tell us that we ‘wouldn’t understand the hard life’ and insisted on paying for our drinks.
We also worried he had gotten into hard drugs. Sometimes when he got tired or loose with a few beers, he would tell us about his painting and how it showed him things. He said the black splotches moved around a little bit each day and became pictures of different things. He was even convinced that the painting helped him decide to go into the hard life by showing him a gun one day and a stack of fifty dollar bills a few days later. We worried he was losing it.
And then Danny got a call from Ruben’s guy. Ruben had been shot when he and one other guy were stealing a Ford GT. The owner apparently had a wireless alarm that sent a notification directly to his iPhone that someone was fucking with his lock. He came out of his house with a fucking hand-cannon of a gun and started blasting the car, the garage, Ruben, and anything else that was in the way. Ruben’s partner sped him to a surgeon that took jobs from Ruben’s guy in exchange for an unlimited amount of coke. The doctor managed to get the bullet out, close the wound, and stop the bleeding, but Ruben had lost a lot of blood. Ruben’s guy told Danny that they were working on stealing some O negative for Ruben, but that Danny should go have some last words just in case.
We all went. We all stood by helplessly as Ruben fell into a coma and then died. The search for the O negative was called off. Ruben’s guy gave us each disgustingly huge sums of money and offered to cover Ruben’s funeral. He said he would spare no expense. He didn’t lie; it was a nice service.
Afterward, Danny, Philip, and I cleaned up Ruben’s pad. Danny’s parents were supposed to help, but – understandably – it was too painful for them. We boxed up a lot of Ruben’s belongings and took them to Danny’s parents’ garage. Other things we kept as mementos of our fallen crew member. Philip, for whatever reason, took the painting. He said it reminded him of a Rorschach ink blot picture and that, if you looked at it just right, you could imagine seeing Ruben smiling with a plastic Solo cup in his hand. I didn’t see it, but I figured we each grieved in our own ways.
I used my share of the money from Ruben’s guy to get back into school. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in, so I enrolled in some bullshit interdisciplinary science major until I could figure it out. Danny took a couple classes with me, but I got the feeling it was more for bro time than to further his education. He mostly focused on playing his guitar and drinking expensive Scotch. Philip tried to get into professional auto racing. He quickly found out that the level of skill required for that was far beyond what he learned from playing X-Box, so he called up Ruben’s guy to see if he could get into street racing.
It was surprising when it looked like Philip was going to be the one of the three of us who succeeded. He used the cash from Ruben’s guy to buy a fast car and offered to fund other drivers for a cut of their winnings. He was like the Don King of the underground racing scene for a time. It didn’t take long before he moved out on his own and bought a nice, big house with a legitimate home theater in the suburbs. He invited Danny and me over for beers in the pool all the time. Sometimes there were girls in bikinis, sometimes there weren’t. Sometimes there were girls and no bikinis.
One night, Philip got particularly lit. Too much Jaeger. He took Danny and me on a drunken tour of his place. We’d had the sober tour a few times, but the drunk tour focused on all the things sober Philip would be too embarrassed to admit. He showed us the nanny cam tissue box in his bedroom, the collection of first-run Kenner Star Wars action figures he was amassing in a second bedroom, his extensive collection of Battlestar Galactica and Firefly props. He showed us Ruben’s painting. Philip told us that he thought Ruben had been right; the blobs moved. He had checked the back of the painting for hidden projectors and found none. His current theory was that the canvas used some sort of e-ink like the cheaper versions of Kindles and Nooks. The way to know for sure, Philip said, was to cut open the canvas. He couldn’t bring himself to destroy such a “cool” work of art, though. Even I had to admit that moving ink made the pretentious bullshittery of the painting tolerable.
As the night went on and Philip’s blood-alcohol level increased, he told us that he thought he could make out a formula one race car in the painting when he decided to go into pro racing. When it didn’t pan out, the car in the painting seemed to morph into a BRZ. Sometimes when he looked at the painting, Philip whispered to us drunkenly from the couch he lay on in his living room, it looked like the streaky pattern of city streets and lights you could see when your speed got past 100 MPH. He thought it was taunting him to go faster.
We woke up the next morning and went our separate ways; me to school, Danny to work, and Philip to his office. I had too much homework to hang out the next night, so we each did our own thing. When I turned on the morning news the next day as I got dressed for another round of classes, the big story was of a horrific accident that had occurred in the very early hours of the morning. A small car had lost control and smashed head-on into a Mack truck. The aerial view of the accident was hard to make out. I could see the truck just fine – it looked only slightly damaged – but I couldn’t find the car anywhere. One of the reporters pointed out that a small rectangle of debris to the left of the truck was all that remained of the car. Another reporter commented that Highway Patrol estimated that amount of damage could only be the product of speeds upwards of 140 MPH. My stomach seemed to drop into my intestines at that last comment.
I stared intently at the screen until the news switched back to the accident scene from the helicopter camera. The tiny, crumpled tin can of the car was dark blue. At least it was in the few places I could make out a paint color and not twisted steel, wrinkled aluminum, and shattered plastic. My throat closed up. Philip’s BRZ was dark blue. I called his cell.
No answer. I tried to tell myself he had probably been up late with a bottle and girl and was still sleeping off the fun. Still, I called again. No answer.
No answer for the rest of the day. Around evening, I got a call from Ruben’s guy. It was Philip’s car. He died instantly, no suffering. When I hung up I laughed out loud at the fact that I had gotten the news from a criminal instead of the news of Philip’s own family. I laughed at the absurdity of two young friends dying within months of one another. I laughed until I realized I wasn’t laughing. Then I started drinking.
Late that night, I decided to break into Philip’s house and try to relive the good times we enjoyed between his death and Ruben’s. I rummaged through his fridge looking for beer and finding only Smirnoff Ice. Philip was always a pussy. I smiled and twisted off the cap of a peach flavored Ice. I meandered drunkenly through the house, sat in the hot tub and polished off an entire six pack, plopped down on Philip’s leather couch and sipped a few more while staring at that fucking painting. Ruben thought it was classy. Philip thought it looked like a Rorschach test. Both of them were convinced it moved. I stared at unblinking until my eyes began to water. No movement.
But then I started to wonder if a large blob on the right was beginning to streak down the side. I watched it intently, lining up the bottom edge of the blob with a distant shelf in Philip’s entertainment center I could see through the doorway. It did seem to be moving. Or was it me?
I decided to take another walk around the house and find some harder alcohol. When I got back, I sat back in the same spot, my previous position still marked by an indentation in the leather. The blob had definitely moved downward. I continued to watch it until I passed out on the couch.
When I woke, the pain of my full bladder and aching head from too much alcohol distracted me from the painting. As I exited the bathroom, however, I looked for the blob I had been watching the night before. It was gone. Or maybe it had stretched into a thin line. I stared at the individual black marks on the painting before blinking and taking in the image as a whole. It looked like a medication bottle on its side, pills spilling out toward me. I jumped. It hadn’t looked like that during the night. Had it?
My heart raced, which made the painful hangover headache throb even harder. I needed to figure this out. But first I needed something to take the edge off. Ibuprofen, definitely. Hair of the dog, maybe, if I had to. I looked through Philip’s medicine cabinet for something to get my head right. I couldn’t find a single over the counter pain reliever. But I did find a bottle of hydrocodone. That might do the trick.
I walked back toward Philip’s kitchen for some water, fingering the lid open and closed with my thumb and forefinger as I stumbled through the hallway. I shook two pills into my hand and looked at the painting. Pills. What was it Philip saw?
I nodded when I remembered. A Formula One car and then a BRZ. Ironic.
But then, hadn’t Ruben seen a gun and cash? Hallmarks of his “hard” life. The life that got him killed.
I looked at the pills in my hand and remembered Goodtime’s warning that anything we took from the house we robbed could be dangerous. A crazy thought ran through my mind. I pushed it away. But… what if the painting wanted me to take the pills? What if I would overdose or something? Did the painting show me how I would die?
I tossed the pills into Philip’s sink and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed Ruben’s guy who, as usual, didn’t answer. I left a message, knowing he would get back to me in less than 30 minutes after he had screened his voice messages.
“Hey. I need Goodtime’s number. When he came over to Ruben’s we talked about something that might be important.”
When Ruben’s guy called me back, he talked to me in a placative, condescending tone. He explained that he couldn’t just give out his client’s numbers or people would stop trusting him with their information. I had to understand that it was bad for business, he said. I responded with a bullshit story about the owner of the painting and trinket tracking me down and warning me that if I didn’t get the figurine back from Goodtime, we were both going to be killed. Ruben’s guy was silent for about two minutes, then he said he would call me back.
My phone rang five minutes later. Instead of Ruben’s guy, I was met with the surprising and oddly accented voice of Alan Goodtime when I picked up.
“What is this I hear about you needing my were-jaguar figurine?” Goodtime asked.
“Mr. Goodtime, I apologize. That’s not totally right. It’s not right at all, actually. No one tracked me down. I have a question to ask you, though. It’s important.”
“I can’t say I’m pleased with this ruse,” he said coldly, “but, since I’m on the line, go ahead.”
“We took a painting from the house. Well, Ruben did. Then he died. One of the other guys, I guess, adopted it, you could say. He died earlier this week. And, I mean, I know this sounds nuts… but I think I’m next. I think it wants me to be next.”
“You promised me you took only the figurine.”
“I know. I promised you I only took the figurine. And I did. Ruben took the painting,” I said. I could hear my tone start to slip into that of pleading child. I tried to keep it in check, but I felt like crying. Like throwing something. Like taking some pills.
“Well, from what you’re telling me, your liberal definition of the truth doesn’t seem to be serving you well. I shouldn’t help you with this. Tell me, why should I?”
I tried to sound forceful, professional. “Because if it wasn’t for me, the four of us wouldn’t have found your figurine. I figured out the guy arranged his library by geographic location. There was so much stuff in that house, we could still be there looking.”
On the other end of the line, Goodtime sighed. “Understand this, young man; I will help you. I do not often help others when they find themselves in such situations. I want you to understand – no, I want you to acknowledge that you are the one to blame for your plight. The task I needed carried out may have put you on the path to your current state, but you chose to walk along it. Explain to me that you understand this.”
“Yeah. You told us to take one thing. We took more and now I’m trouble. I get that. It’s not your fault.”
“Very well,” Goodtime sighed again. “Is this a black and white painting, perhaps reminiscent of a monochrome Pollock or Swarez?”
“Um,” I had no idea what he had just said, “it looks like a Rorschach test.”
“Hm. Indeed. And it slowly flows through several amorphous patterns before settling into something recognizable?”
“I cannot be in the same room as this painting. In fact, this particular work of art is one of the reasons I was not able to find the figurine myself. One of many. But my earlier instructions to you still hold true: burn it. Burn the painting as soon as you are able. The canvas will resist the flames, almost as if it is a canvas made of Nomex material. Use an accelerant, such as lighter fluid or gasoline, to coax the flames higher and hotter. Use plenty of wood for fuel. In time, the painting will burn. Do you understand?”
I nodded, realizing after a moment that Goodtime couldn’t see my movement. “Yes. Got it.”
“Good. Do it now, and do not contact me again. I wish you luck.” He didn’t wait for my thanks before he hung up. After the click, I stood in Philip’s kitchen holding the phone to my ear and trying to process what Goodtime had said. I can’t say how long I stayed like that, but I know it was a while. What did he mean he couldn’t be in the same room as the painting? How did he know what painting it was?
My calves began to cramp and pulled me out of my own head. I had to burn the painting. I broke down Philip’s coffee table and one side table from next to his couch to use as fuel. I couldn’t find a hammer, so I had to kick the damn things apart. They were made well. Philip didn’t skimp on his purchases. I carried the wood out to Philip’s poolside fire pit in three loads and found some barbecue fluid in a storage space under one of the outdoor chairs.
Once I had the fire going in earnest, I pulled the bullshit blob painting off the wall and carried it outside. I tossed it in the fire. Just as Goodtime said, nothing happened for a long while. The canvas even threatened to snuff out my flame by keeping oxygen from the burning tables. I used a leg of the side table to prop up the painting and the doused the entire thing in lighter fluid. The flames seemed to hover above the painting, burning only the lighter fluid and leaving the “art” untouched. The blobs started moving faster. I no longer had to use an external cue to judge their direction.
As the blobs reached a speed that made them seem like fresh ink running back and forth on a raincoat, the canvas finally began to burn. Once one spot had burned through, it took mere seconds for the rest to catch fire and disappear. Before I knew exactly what was happening, I was standing in front of a burning frame. I sat in one of the patio chairs and watched the frame and tables char, glow, and turn into ash.
That was a few months ago. Since then, Danny and I seem to have finally escaped our ruts. My grades picked up almost without trying and Danny joined a classic rock cover band as lead guitarist. He also picked up a job as a line cook at the restaurant the band frequents for gigs. He doesn’t live the world’s most esteemed life, but he’s happy. Happier than I’ve seen him since before we decided to steal the cases of vodka. I also stopped drinking as heavily as I was. I haven’t cut it out entirely – some beer is just too good to throw away – but I don’t drink to complete inebriation every night. I also haven’t wanted anything stronger, anything like pills, since I burned the painting. It was like burning the damn thing released us from a horrible nightmare. I feel bad that Ruben and Philip never got to wake from that Hell, but I say a silent thanks to something every now and then that Danny and I got out.
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2014.05.01 00:04 tabledresser Solo wife hidden cam

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Date: 2014-04-30
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Questions Answers
Being such an accomplished turntabilist, how do you feel about the direction EDM is going? I look at turntablism like a skill set (tools), and the direction of electronic music as a stylistic thing. One doesn't necessarily influence the other. I love a ton of music and I'm just trying to keep scratching alive!
Is there ANY CHANCE that we could possibly get a WAV or at least 320kbps of the sample yelling "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS GOOOOOOOOOLD" Me and my friend yell it all the time and I'd love to be able to just blast it at my leisure. Yeah sure we can give out the FG drop (did you know that's my voice? no one ever believes me)
What's the craziest thing about being a DJ for Kanye West? Buffets upon buffets.
Would you ever consider doing an AMA over at /edmproduction? Sure!
Where do you get your sense of humor from? No DJ I know of is as funny as you. Thanks! I implanted a microchip inside my unibrow.
How does it feel to be one of the only men who can pull off a fedora? Feels… warm?
Didn't a member of Run DMC give you one of their fedoras? I have Jam Master Jay's last fedora. RIP. Huge honor.
On a scale of 1-10, how pissed are you going to be when I walk around Spring Awakening convincing people that I'm actually you? Won't be pissed, I'll give you my fee too. But you gotta cut!
Deal. Can you add Beamz by Flo-Rida to your rider for me? Done deal.
What's your opinion on Big Room? I like rooms. I am currently in a conference room, it is medium sized.
Not even mad lmao BTW: your remix of Odd Look is probably the best remix I've ever heard. Thanks! It's one of my weirder ones.
Hey man Whats going to come up with your new Artist HighKlassified ... (Saw him 2 weeks ago in a mixing for this party in Montreal ) and do you miss Montréal buddy ... I mean... We just released his EP and he's also part of the Low Pros project. Yes I miss Montreal...
What was it like working as Kanye's DJ? Do you guys still keep in touch? Definitely keep in touch with the gawd. I loved working with him. He's an inspiring dude and is always keen to learn more, which is something i respect.
If you could work with one rapper who would it be? Parappa the Rapper.
How do you feel about the lack of real DJ'ing that goes on in the edm scene nowadays? I think it's because there's less distinction between DJs and producers who get booked to play a set… also, technology is evolving so the definition is evolving… There's enough room for everyone though. My main mission is to keep people aware of the artform. Fans can choose what they prefer. Can't get too uptight about this either!
Any idea when the Quack vinyl will be released? Also any chance of a A-trak/Chromeo tour ever happening? And is the house party coming to NJ this year again? Vinyl: June 17!
A-Trak/Chromeo tour: bound to happen in due time. We've toyed with the idea a bunch of times.
House party 2014 locations: seeecret!
You've kinda brought back some of that 90's filtered disco house sound with Duck Sauce, is there any other genre/movement in music you wish would get a resurgence? Met you briefly in Manchester UK at Parklife Festival btw and you were a gent! Also, what's the best way of sharing a demo with you for fool's gold? Don't know if its frowned upon posting links on here? I always had a soft spot for breakbeat(s).
Why did you choose the name Duck Sauce? To make people ask this question.
Dude! You're music and scratching skills are beyond my understanding. How did you start with you scratching? And what music inspires you? Also, Teach me please! Thanks!! I started at age 13 and locked myself up in a basement eating nothing but shortbread cookies. You can learn too!
I've been locked in my moms basement for 15 years! How do I DJ? Also, can you help me get a girl to quack like a duck? You might need to step out of the basement to find said girl.
At what point in your life do you think you will STOP DJing? Never o'clock.
How does it feel to be Paris Hilton's Favorite DJ? For the record I wasn't mocking her when I posted that IG of her mistaking Armand for me. I appreciate her coming to our performance and getting up on her friend's shoulders, etc. It was just funny…
Thoughts on Kaytranada? That's the homie. Montreal stand up!
Any chance of a collab? I'm down
How do you feel about Daft Punk and their perspective on Dance music? What do you think when your hear them say they don't listen to electronic music? I think they really brought a healthy arm's length perspective to the scene last year - regardless of what people think of the album. Brought it back to the funk, and also the history! Teaching young'n's about Nile, Moroder, etc. And I don't expect them to listen to dance music at home. Last time I saw Guy-Man we spoke about Dennis Wilson (humble brag).
I just saw you at counterpoint (I had the my parents think I'm at a church retreat sign) and am counting down the days until I get to see you again at Terminal 5! By far one of my favorite artists to see live. Thanks! hahah did you see that i instagrammed your sign?
1) What's the funniest/weirdest thing you've seen in the crowd at a festival or show? 2) We've seen collabs with so many different DJ's and rappers...what can we expect to see next? 3) Favorite venue/festival to play? 1) Danny Devito wearing duck bill at Coachella 2011 2) the pan flute 3) hmm too many… always focused on what's coming next anyway!
Is there anything else planned for the youtube channel you made with Diplo and Skrillex, "Potato Will Eat You" ? If I answered that question, the community of festival promoters would chastise me and kidnap my unborn child. Patience my lad.
Also, is there any chance that you will be at tomorrowland this year ? Solo or even as Duck Sauce ? The potato was dormant for a bit but like any fairy tale it will soon rise again.
Ghost Producing, have you, would you or do you engage in it? The hot topic of the moment!!! Nah it was always important for me to know how to do everything because I'm a control freak. There's been some remixes where I've hired an engineer and it's always credited. I think this ghost-producing thing needs to be defined: the GHOST part is if it's hidden, uncredited. So either I do the whole thing myself (including mixdown), or if I'm in a time crunch I work with an engineer and credit them too.
Can we get a Diplo/Dillon Francis/Skrillex/A-trak song? I'm down.
I know you were kanye's touring DJ, but did you have any involvement in the creation of any tracks? If so, what was the experience like? I was pretty involved with the Graduation album. It was awesome he's one of my favorite people to work with.
Hi A-Trak, really looking forward to your Ask Maklovitch Anything. Lol I was telling my friend earlier WATCH THIS AMA WILL BE ALL QUESTIONS ABOUT SERATO & TRAKTOR…
I remember you switched to Traktor about a year ago but noticed in some recent pics that you've been using Serato again along with the DDJ-SP1. Why'd you switch? I really like both platforms. I'm digging Serato's new DJ software so I wanted to mess with it. Traktor is really powerful, one of the few letdowns is the file management, you kind of have 2 libraries. So right now I'm enjoying the ease of Serato. But I could use both.
Oh yeah, what's the name of the style of hat you're always wearing? Hat: I dunno, I buy it where old folks buy their hats in NY.
What are your thoughts on the rising success of artists in based in Montreal such as Kaytranada, Lunice, and of course, High Klassified? I'm digging these Montreal questions! I couldn't be happier about their success, and super proud to have HK on FG. I left Montreal 8 years ago and I'm really happy that there's this new wave of producers thriving. VILLAGE DES VALEURS.
What's up! What are you thoughts on the Netherlands given all the DJ talent we have? Did you ever visit the country? Also, *Barbra Streisand. * I once went to Utrecht with my parents at age 11.
Will you teach me how to YOLO scratch? You have to sign an NDA first.
Yeah that could be arranged. I'll see you at your Boston show in May ;P. First show of the tour!
Growing up did you know you and Dave 1 would go into music? Dave was playing music since he was like 9… didn't know it would be an actual career but we were always into it.
Quack on Vinyl, when is it happening? June 17 quaaack double LP colored gatefold thingamajig.
How did you find out about 100s?? and can you please get freddie gibbs on foolsgold. 100s: just like everyone else did! we heard his Ice Cold Perm mixtape. He's so dope.
Freddie Gibbs: we've been talking :)
I know you produce some stuff for other Fool's Gold artists, I really dug the production you did on Danny Brown's "Smokin & Drinkin", what was it like to work with Danny? did you have creative control in terms of the production or did he pitch in? Will you be touring with him perhaps anytime soon? I played Danny some beats and he picked that one. Then I reworked it around his vocals!
Hey A-Trak! Just wanted to say I've seen you more times than I can count and you haven't failed to amaze me with your sets! Who has been your favorite person to collab with? Also, will you marry me? Thank you so much! Marriage: let me check my schedule. Favorite collaborator: my horse Mustard.
Which song took you the longest to make on the new album? We redid Radio Stereo 3 or 4 times, so I would say that one.
I once yelled at you across a parking lot in LA before a show. You yelled back. It was a moment. Anywho, I was just curious what is your favorite festival to attend/play at? Are you yelling as you type this? because I am.
I like food fairs.
If you were the mom in the 1993 hit film The Good Son, who would you have dropped off the cliff: Elijah or Macaulay? XO. Confession: never saw that movie. That being said… Elijah.
When will you continue your "A-Trak Hotel Guide"? I enjoy living vicariously through your hotel stays. I need some hotels to surprise me again lol… I've been doing them more on IG this past year, rather than youtube.
How close were you with DJ AM? Very close. Really good friend. Miss him a lot. He changed people's lives.
Hey man, what's your favourite female body part and why is it the booty? Earlobe gang
How did you and Armand Van Helden meet? What's it like working with him? We actually met through P-Thugg. He's literally the best human on earth. That guy is a shining light.
Mr. Track, how does it feel knowing you're the reason white guys everywhere buy jean vests? Also, I saw you kill it at Bonnaroo last year - thanks for the Fools Gold tee! Much respect to the denim industry. Thanks!
Who is your favourite person to DJ after or with? Also looking forward to your Toronto show at the hoxton! :) Thanks. I really miss playing with Mehdi.
Have you ever tried releasing something with your brother? We've shared some farts. More collabs coming soon!
Hello A-Trak, I'm very excited about Federal Reserve EP and Low Pros, really looking forward these releases, could you give us the possible date of release of the these projects? Low Pros: you can count the days on your fingers at this point. Federal Reserve: early summer. thanks!
A-track, u r truly my inspiration. I am a fifteen year old Dj/producer and have been one of ur biggest fans for a while. I've been going to Scratch Dj academy since I was 9 and am hoping to take the same path that you did when you were my age. I have been producing for a year and have had one question for u. What inspires you?? That's dope man, keep it up! I think I'm inspired by rhythms and patterns in my head but I don't even really know..
How many fedoras do you own? 3714683214.3.
Who would win in a fight? 100 duck sized horses or a horse sized duck, and why would the Versace scratch be the best method of attack? I would definitely root for the horse sized duck, because ultimately I'm down with da ducks. I agree with your hunch that the versace scratch would defeat this FORMIDABLE opponent, because he would be so stunned by the flyness.
DJ Craze on an interview said that he was excited to have you on The Allies because he knew that then you will not have to face you... Where you feeling the same? Hahah yes EXACTLY. After Craze and I battled in 98 we never wanted to face each other again. So we joined forces.
Hey man, I heard P-Thugg taught you how to drive, is this true? Also, what's your production software of choice? Yes he did. With mixed results. I produce on Logic but I can also get by on Ableton or Protools if needed.
You tweeted that you delivered one of your first remixes for boysnoize late because you were still figuring out how to produce. how difficult was it to get from DJin into music production and who helped you to do this step? Hahah yes most of my remixes from 2006-2010 or so were delivered super late, like… many months late. Heads Will Roll, Sebastien Tellier, Boys Noize, etc. I think the biggest challenge of learning to produce while actively DJing was not having much time to learn the ropes. I always played all my demos to my brother, he gave me great feedback along the way. Still does.
Ever had anything go disastrously wrong while performing? OH YES. Even on a live TV broadcast. Many many times. A big part of DJing (and performing live in general) is knowing how to quickly bounce back and keep the flow going.
What was the weirdest situation you've ended up in, while touring? On stage digestive emergencies
A-Trak, I'm really digging Quack with Armand. Some users on /electronicmusic we're wondering about your Wu-Tang "tribute". Did you guys just sit in the studio and play off of each other or did you write it? Horseback riding on the beaches of sunny Portugal! Thanks... It was a mix of both. We jotted down some ideas and turned the mic on and let it flow.
What was it like playing at Dave Chappelle's Block Party? Any cool stories from hanging out backstage or while performing? It was actually a hectic day. We were only in NY for a couple hours, we had to fly to Chicago later in the afternoon to play 2 (!!) more shows that night. It was raining so the concert kept getting delayed. We rehearsed with the Roots during sound check literally as the band was learning the songs. It was all on a whim. I wish we could have stuck around to see Dead Prez, Badu etc but we were gone.
Long time fan here. I was just wondering how you and Armand came to form Duck Sauce? aNYway is my favorite song off quack is back and I think I almost snapped my ankle several times dancing to it at Coachella hahaha. Oh and we would love a Dirty South Dance 3. Thanks! Duck Sauce formed pretty naturally. Armand and I met and starting going on hiking trips in the wilderness. One time I saw him start a fire using his bare hands. After that we formed a group.
Why you? (serious question) Y.U. ?
What's your favorite Simpsons quote? DENTAL PLAN! LISA NEEDS BRACES. (repeat ad infinitum)
I remember like 10 years ago I had a ESDJCO poster of you and qbert back to back over my 1200 set up. Mad respect watching you grow as an artist through the years! Watching a-trak sunglasses is a must at the moment, moving onto tableturns 2nd anniversary vhs. That routine inspired me for years!! I aspire to do what you're doing, you are the man. With all that said, how stoked are you on life/touring/quack? Brother bean Flagstaff, AZ. That's so dope man, thank for the continued support over the years. I'm definitely happy to be able to still do my thing. I never feel like I've "made it" though. Still hungry, still going.
Whats the funniest story you have to share about Danny Brown? Huge fan of you guys. Danny can speak 8 languages and I once saw him fight a grizzly bear.
Cats or Dogs? Ducks.
Is it pronounced Alain or Alain? ALAIN
What individual roles do you and Armand play when you're producing tracks for Duck Sauce? As in, do you bring a certain style that he might not, and vice versa? Armand handles the low frequencies and about half of the mids, up until 2.5 kHz or so. Then I handle the top end from there.
Atrak you're my favorite dj to see live! You're a great inspiration to all of us musicians. What would be your words of encouragement for future musicians? What helped your ambition in becoming a dj/producer? I seriously need some more ambition in my life... Thank you! I think ambition comes from within… find that fire yo!
Where would you like to take direction as far as your music goes in the future? Any other possible collaborations like Duck Sauce? Definitely more collaborations. I feel most fulfilled when I have a bunch of different projects going at the same time.
Mad respect and love. one of my favourite tracks of last year was h-town with dizzee rascal and bun b. how did it come about? plus, do you have plans for any uk shows soon? Oh cool, thanks! Umm it was pretty simple I sent Dizzee some beats and he hit me back and was like "hey i recorded to that beat and got Bun B and Trae on it" and then we finished it up.
Oh and UK shows: yes this summer.
Where do you get all your hilarious samples?! At the sample store
Hey a-trak, could you sort me out some bulk NRG? I've developed a strong addiction ever since it came out. Send me $19.95
Do you feel like artists nowadays are harder to place in a genre? When I sit down and think about the people I listen to, I can't be very specific. You, for example, I would use the vague term electronic and not much more. If you had to name what genre you did, what would it be? That's a good thing! I make polka.
What are your thoughts on the inclusion of more mainstream EDM acts like Martin Garrix, Axwell, and Tiesto to the HARD Summer lineup this year? Seems like HARD has always tended to stray away from the commercial EDM guys. I think there's way less of a distinction between commercial/mainstream and not, nowadays. Strength in unity. It's good for both sides.
Hey! Any more Unibros appearances scheduled in the future? I really enjoyed you guys at Fool's Gold Day Off last year. I'm sure there will be more. The unibros unite spontaneously. Much power to the hair.
What was your inspiration to start the journey into your career? I tried scratching and was instantly hooked. The rest, as the say, was history.
Can I have your Bloody Mary helmet & wear it to Hard Summer? Sure but if you break it I'll be VERY UPSET.
What's your favorite place to hang out in NYC? Inside subway tunnels with the anarchists
How come Duck Sauce isn't performing at Spring Awakening Music Festival? Can you please just bring Armand? :D I wish I could bring Armand everywhere tbh. He's such a groovy dude.
What's your favorite Coachella food? Kogi truck - short rib tacos
Can you send me one of those Atrak fatheads? Who you calling fat?
When are you going to teach us the YOLO scratch? Now. Ready?
How do you feel about Dillon Francis' Instagram videos? Hysterical.
As a designer, how do you choose the art for your album covers? I really like the illustration work on the Ray-Ban single. Thanks! that one is by Dust La Rock, he did a lot of my artwork in the last 7 years or so… I like to work closely with artists and I've got my little Fool's Gold Brain Trust that keeps the quality control in check.
What's your most prized possession? Old scrapbooks of my notes on scratching when i was a teenager… that kind of stuff. I don't get too attached to possessions tbh.
Why did you not wear your signature hat to The Mid in October? You looked fine as hell ;) When I don't wear my hat I call it an acoustic set.
How was it working with killa cam? Dope, he's a good cook. He records fast too.
Will you be working with Kanye again any time soon? Possibly/probably/likely.
What made you choose to be the Bloody Mary? The bloody mary chose me.
I plan on creating thousands of A-trak stickers and sticking them on EVERYONE at Spring Awakening, is that cool witchu? Do it do it do it
How do you like your steak? MEDIUM RARE
How do you like your brussel sprouts best? Steamed.
Hey Alain, will you take me to dinner? Okay.
I met your tour manager a while back on a flight to Miami, He was very thirsty for a older guy! Tell him to find a wife. Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.
Yes! Both of those mixes are out of control! I'm glad people dug those 2 projects! The thing is, when I made them, the whole concept of rap over electronic music was kind of a rarity. Now the sound actually exists! But who knows, maybe I'll make another. For now I'm making a bunch of new original music.
I was waiting for you to arrive.. Answered this from another user...
When do we get a Quack vinyl! June 17!!! Double-LP gatefold colored vinyl for dat azz.
Yo can you do another house party come to the hamptons and do it at my house i have house partys all the time !!! -parker Is your name really Parker?
Hey Alain, Just a shout out, i love what you're doing. We went to grade school together at Lajoie. I always loved seeing you succeed in djing after that time when we were kids. Outremont represent!
SHABADOO AND BUGALOOShrimp. Now that thats out of the way,is there any chance ofyou doing a track collab with Mark Ronson and what is a good way to get a dj gig Shout out to those 2 big ducks. Ronson collab: quite possible! That's the homie. Getting gigs: put some mixes up on da soundcloud, get your sound out… and/or organize something with your friends!
Been a fan of yours since the 90's Was cool to see someone my age at the DMC's. I started spinning shortly after. Awesome!!
Yo A-trak, when do you come to holland or belgium. Pukkelpop and I LOVE TECHNO were awesome. If you ever want a stunt double, a friend of mine is a real look-a-like. I could really use a double. Thanks!
A-trak! Was wondering if you see a collaboration between you and your brother in the future. IT MUST HAPPEN! Yes it's bound to happen, we've been talking about it more lately… in the meantime, his friend Teddy Toothpick did pretty good on the Quack album.
Yo atrak does Foool Gooold have any internships, i would learn from a brooklyn staple. Yes just walk into the store and drop off a resume - badabing.
What did you think of cowchella. T-Pain was great!
Last updated: 2014-05-04 18:20 UTC
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